Ass Dan is Jokes!

[Ass Dan]

A Teabagger, Union Member and a CEO are sitting at a table with a dozen cookies. The CEO immediately takes 11 cookies for himself. The CEO then turns to the Teabagger and says, "Watch out for that union guy, he wants part of your cookie."

[rufuspaul]

A Teabagger, Union Member and a CEO are sitting at a table with a dozen cookies. The CEO immediately takes 11 cookies for himself. The CEO then turns to the Teabagger and says, "Watch out for that union guy, he wants part of your cookie."

That's actually kinda funny. You earn one rufus lol.

[boozehound]

I laughed.

[RidonKs]

lol

[Ass Dan]

Q-Why does India suck at soccer?

A-Every time they get a corner they try to open a convenience store.

[RidonKs]

these are heartily enjoyable, my esteemed sir or madam (danielle? dani?). please continue.

[Maniak]

Ass Dan is amazing.

[Ass Dan]

Little Jonny raises his hand in class and says: "Ms. Jones I need to piss yo!"

Ms Jones replies: "We do not use that word Jonny, I will not let you go till you use the proper word. Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence."

Little Jonny replies: "Ms Jones, you're an eight, but if you had bigger t*ts you'd be a nine."

[NoName22]

:facepalm

[Premeditated]

Q-Why did the Cavaliers fail to win any Ring the past 3 seasons?

A-Because they only had 1 *(like this thread).

[ukballer]

:facepalm

He mad.

Keep going Dan!

http://www.tweak3d.net/forums/imagehosting/34514b5b4b8f83919.gif

[NoName22]

Q-Why did the Cavaliers to win any Ring the past 3 seasons?

A-Because they only had 1 *(like this thread).

http://i712.photobucket.com/albums/ww121/babyjesusx2/krs.gif

[Done_And_Done]

I asked my wife if we could try the Chilean Miner position the other night. She asked if it was the one where she goes deep down on my shaft and stays there until she needs to come up for air? I told her no, its the one where she f-ucks off and I don't see her for 4 months.

*Passes the mic back to Dan*

Done
And
Done

[NoName22]

I asked my wife if we could try the Chilean Miner position the other night. She asked if it was the one where she goes deep down on my shaft and stays there until she needs to come up for air? I told her no, its the one where she f-ucks off and I don't see her for 4 months.

*Passes the mic back to Dan*

Done
And
Done

This > thread.

Sorry Ass Dan you've been ethered & renegated, let's just call you Jay-Z :lol

[Thorpesaurous]

A Priest and a A Rabbi are sitting on a park bench when an adorable little toeheaded boy walks by. The Priest licking his lips says "Lets fvck him!", to which the Rabbi shrugs ... "Outta what?!?!"

[Maniak]

Q-Why did the Cavaliers fail to win any Ring the past 3 seasons?

A-Because they only had 1 *(like this thread).
1*'ing threads.

What other gangsta things does the YCC do?

[Ass Dan]

This > thread.

Sorry Ass Dan you've been ethered & renegated, let's just call you Jay-Z :lol


Yeah, someone told a joke in my joke thread, therefore I am ethered. :rolleyes:

You YCC clowns are really fakkin pathetic attention whores.

[rufuspaul]

A Priest and a A Rabbi are sitting on a park bench when an adorable little toeheaded boy walks by. The Priest licking his lips says "Lets fvck him!", to which the Rabbi shrugs ... "Outta what?!?!"

:roll: :roll: :roll:

[crosso√er]

Ass Dan creates a thread "Ass Dan is Jokes"
crosso√er replies: Place an "a" in between Is and Jokes, and remove the last letter in the sentence.

[NoName22]

Ass Dan creates a thread "Ass Dan is Jokes"
crosso√er replies: Place an "a" in between Is and Jokes, and remove the last letter in the sentence.

Why you shitting on him like that breh ? :lol

[BankShot]

A Priest and a A Rabbi are sitting on a park bench when an adorable little toeheaded boy walks by. The Priest licking his lips says "Lets fvck him!", to which the Rabbi shrugs ... "Outta what?!?!"

:roll: :bowdown: :roll: :bowdown: :roll:

[Thorpesaurous]

:roll: :bowdown: :roll: :bowdown: :roll:


Thank you ... Thank you ... I'll be here all night ... try the veal!

[BankShot]

This > thread.

Sorry Ass Dan you've been ethered & renegated, let's just call you Jay-Z :lol

Why so butt-hurt?? :rolleyes:

[RidonKs]

Ass Dan creates a thread "Ass Dan is Jokes"
crosso√er replies: Place an "a" in between Is and Jokes, and remove the last letter in the sentence.
holy sh*t you just entered unchartered territory of lameness


@thorpe/D&D :roll:

i'm using these at work for cheap laughs

[BankShot]

Q-Why does India suck at soccer?

A-Every time they get a corner they try to open a convenience store.

Not bad :roll:

[Harrison_Barnes]

holy sh*t you just entered unchartered territory of lameness


@thorpe/D&D :roll:

i'm using these at work for cheap laughs

Yeah that was pretty friggen lame. Majority of the other jokes were good though.. keep them coming.

[crosso√er]

holy sh*t you just entered unchartered territory of lameness


@thorpe/D&D :roll:

i'm using these at work for cheap laughs

:facepalm I guess some of you dimwits didn't get the point, it wasn't meant to be funny and I find it hilarious the discrepancy in humor you found between my joke and pretty much every other joke. I was just paralleling my joke to the rest of the jokes; that people like you found abundantly funny. :facepalm

There was like one joke in the entire thread that was even remotely good.
Like the Indian joke; heard it a million times. You guys still laugh at these redundant jokes, really?

Okay, maybe some of you need to get out more. All of these jokes are not new in the slightest.

[BankShot]

:facepalm I guess some of you dimwits didn't get the point, it wasn't meant to be funny and I find it hilarious the discrepancy in humor you found between my joke and pretty much every other joke. I was just paralleling my joke to the rest of the jokes; that people like you found abundantly funny. :facepalm

There was like one joke in the entire thread that was even remotely good.
Like the Indian joke; heard it a million times. You guys still laugh at these redundant jokes, really?

Okay, maybe some of you need to get out more. All of these jokes are not new in the slightest.

So because I haven't heard a particular joke, that makes it not funny and redundant??

Because I haven't heard one out of literally thousands of jokes floating around, that means I need to "get out more"?

They're simple jokes. Don't take them so seriously. :rolleyes:

[BankShot]

:facepalm I guess some of you dimwits didn't get the point, it wasn't meant to be funny and I find it hilarious the discrepancy in humor you found between my joke and pretty much every other joke. I was just paralleling my joke to the rest of the jokes; that people like you found abundantly funny. :facepalm

Since you said, and I quote, "[your joke] wasn't meant to be funny"..... then shouldn't there be a discrepancy between any joke (jokes are meant to be funny) and your joke (wasn't meant to be funny)?

:roll:

[crosso√er]

Since you said, and I quote, "[your joke] wasn't meant to be funny"..... then shouldn't there be a discrepancy between any joke (jokes are meant to be funny) and your joke (wasn't meant to be funny)?

:roll:

I meant the jokes in this thread; which aren't funny (in most cases).

[BankShot]

I meant the jokes in this thread; which aren't funny (in most cases).

But you said this:


I find it hilarious the discrepancy in humor you found between my joke and pretty much every other joke

So there is a hilarious discrepancy between your joke (which was not intended to be funny) and the rest of the jokes (most of which aren't, but some are, funny... to you)???

[crosso√er]

But you said this:



So there is a hilarious discrepancy between your joke (which was not intended to be funny) and the rest of the jokes (most of which aren't, but some are, funny... to you)???

You serious dude? Can you not comprehend a simply sentence?
My joke (not funny) is not different then other jokes (not funny, in this thread); yet people were finding a discrepancy between the joke I said (which was not funny) and other jokes (which were not funny either) ; hence there shouldn't be any discrepancy, since they're all NOT funny.

[RidonKs]

if it was satire, you're off the hook. not that it was good satire. it was actually remarkably sh*tty satire. but nonetheless, not on the plateau of lamitude i expressed earlier.

anyway, nothing is quite so dangerous to a joke as analysis, and you guys have taken it to another level. cut it out. Ass Dan said this thread is jokes, let's uphold his honour and keep it this way.

[BankShot]

if it was satire, you're off the hook. not that it was good satire. it was actually remarkably sh*tty satire. but nonetheless, not on the plateau of lamitude i expressed earlier.

anyway, nothing is quite so dangerous to a joke as analysis, and you guys have taken it to another level. cut it out. Ass Dan said this thread is jokes, let's uphold his honour and keep it this way.

So a neutron sits down at a bar and asks the bartender for a gin and tonic. When the bartender returns with his drink, the neutron asks,

"What do I owe ya?"

The bartender looks at him and replies,

"For you, no charge."

[RidonKs]

lol, heard it before, but it's still cute.


Descartes walks into a cafe and orders a coffee. the waitress smiles and asks if he'd like milk and sugar, to which Descartes mulls it over before responding "i think not". and then he disappears.

[BankShot]

Q.) How many members of U2 does it take to screw in a lightbulb??

A.) One; Bono just holds the lightbulb and the world revolves around him.

I f*cking hate U2.

[crosso√er]

A frog, a ***** cat and a fly are all by the pond. A fly is about 6 inches above the frog that is in the pond while the ***** cat is staring at the frog by the side of the pond. Simultaneously, the frog leaps to grab the fly and the cat jumps after the frog; they all miss their target.

Point of the story?
When a fly is loose, the ***** always gets wet.

[Ass Dan]

A frog, a ***** cat and a fly are all by the pond. A fly is about 6 inches above the frog that is in the pond while the ***** cat is staring at the frog by the side of the pond. Simultaneously, the frog leaps to grab the fly and the cat jumps after the frog; they all miss their target.

Point of the story?
When a fly is loose, the ***** always gets wet.

you post this ^

after saying this:



There was like one joke in the entire thread that was even remotely good.
Like the Indian joke; heard it a million times. You guys still laugh at these redundant jokes, really?

Okay, maybe some of you need to get out more. All of these jokes are not new in the slightest.

I expect more from a joke expert. Or maybe you are doing more of that parallel humor leveling crap.

BTW this thread was 'jokes' (see the title), no one is claiming to be Louis CK here, nor is anyone claiming that their shit is original, just spittin some jokes.

This OCL is just full of posters who shit on everything. Are you one of them YCC f@ggots too?

[BankShot]

you post this ^

after saying this:



I expect more from a joke expert. Or maybe you are doing more of that parallel humor leveling crap.

BTW this thread was 'jokes' (see the title), no one is claiming to be Louis CK here, nor is anyone claiming that their shit is original, just spittin some jokes.

This OCL is just full of posters who shit on everything. Are you one of them YCC f@ggots too?

:roll:

[Myth]

:facepalm I guess some of you dimwits didn't get the point, it wasn't meant to be funny and I find it hilarious the discrepancy in humor you found between my joke and pretty much every other joke. I was just paralleling my joke to the rest of the jokes; that people like you found abundantly funny. :facepalm


Explaining the purpose of your joke just makes it more lame. :no:

[Thorpesaurous]

So a neutron sits down at a bar and asks the bartender for a gin and tonic. When the bartender returns with his drink, the neutron asks,

"What do I owe ya?"

The bartender looks at him and replies,

"For you, no charge."


In a similar vein:

An atom rushes into a bar and exclaims "has anyone seen an electron around here, I've lost an electron!!!"
The bartender respnds, "Are you sure it was an electron you lost?"
To which the atom responds, "Oh ... I'm Positive!!!"

My uncle actually claims he wrote that joke, he submitted it to Readers Digest in a pun contest, but I'm not sure I believe him. However I do find it hard to believe someone would take credit for that if they didn't absolutely have to.

[Thorpesaurous]

And this I believe was in Blue Valentine IIRC.


A boy and a child molester are walking into the woods. They get further and further into the woods, and it's getting darker and darker. The kid starts crying, to which the killer says "what are you crying about?"
The kid professes "I'm scared!"
To which the killer responds, "You're scared? Think about me, I gotta walk outta here by myself!!"

[JEFFERSON MONEY]

In a similar vein:

An atom rushes into a bar and exclaims "has anyone seen an electron around here, I've lost an electron!!!"
The bartender respnds, "Are you sure it was an electron you lost?"
To which the atom responds, "Oh ... I'm Positive!!!"

My uncle actually claims he wrote that joke, he submitted it to Readers Digest in a pun contest, but I'm not sure I believe him. However I do find it hard to believe someone would take credit for that if they didn't absolutely have to.

**** you

[Legend of Josh]

Yo momma so dumb she heard someone say "drinks are on the house!" - bit*h grabbed a ladder and climbed up on the roof.

[Legend of Josh]

Yo momma so dumb that she puts lipstick on her forehead just to make-up her mind.

:facepalm

:roll:

[Done_And_Done]

holy sh*t you just entered unchartered territory of lameness


@thorpe/D&D :roll:

i'm using these at work for cheap laughs

By all means brother...

Glad you enjoyed the lol's

[Premeditated]

So Ass Dan and his mother are walking in the park. He sees 2 dogs fukking, so he asks his mother (cause you know he's a virgin); "Mother? Whats that"? His mother says its nothing and "they're just baking a cake". Later they both go back to they're trailer park home and he sees two goats fukking. He asks the same question and his mother answer is the same. Next morning he asks his mother; "Mother, were you and father baking a cake in the living room? because I licked some frosting from off the couch."

[Legend of Josh]

A 10 year old boy (we'll call him Billy) is laying in his bed, can't sleep from the rain and thunderstorm. He hears his mom and dad making these crazy noises in the other room.

The next morning at the breakfast table, it's just him and dad - he asks "Dad, what were you mommy doing last night?" his father replies "well son, we were playing poker and your mother was the wild card."

Later on that day Billy gets off the bus and walks through his front door. His older brother and his girlfriend are out-in-the-open sexing on the couch. Billy goes back outside and plays in the front yard until his other brother's girlfriend leaves. After she leaves Billy walks back inside and asks his brother "hey, what were you and your girlfriend doing on the couch? Big brother replies "well bro, we playing poker and she was the wildcard!."

Later on that evening Dad gets home. As he's walking to his room he hears this smacking noise coming from Billy's room. Dad knocks on the door, "Son?" ... no reply ... "Billy, is that you in there?!" ... no reply.

WHAM!!! Dad kicks the door in. Shocked beyond belief he yells at his son "what the hell are you doing?!" ... Billy replies "DADDY! DADDY! YOU DON'T NEED A WILDCARD IF YOU GOT A GOOD HAND!"

:roll:

[Dolphin]

A 10 year old boy (we'll call him Billy) is laying in his bed, can't sleep from the rain and thunderstorm. He hears his mom and dad making these crazy noises in the other room.

The next morning at the breakfast table, it's just him and dad - he asks "Dad, what were you mommy doing last night?" his father replies "well son, we were playing poker and your mother was the wild card."

Later on that day Billy gets off the bus and walks through his front door. His older brother and his girlfriend are out-in-the-open sexing on the couch. Billy goes back outside and plays in the front yard until his other brother's girlfriend leaves. After she leaves Billy walks back inside and asks his brother "hey, what were you and your girlfriend doing on the couch? Big brother replies "well bro, we playing poker and she was the wildcard!."

Later on that evening Dad gets home. As he's walking to his room he hears this smacking noise coming from Billy's room. Dad knocks on the door, "Son?" ... no reply ... "Billy, is that you in there?!" ... no reply.

WHAM!!! Dad kicks the door in. Shocked beyond belief he yells at his son "what the hell are you doing?!" ... Billy replies "DADDY! DADDY! YOU DON'T NEED A WILDCARD IF YOU GOT A GOOD HAND!"

:roll:

How old were you when this happened?

[Legend of Josh]

How old were you when this happened?

I was 29. This just happened yesterday, remember Billy? Your mother and I have decided to take the internets away from you. You can't be trusted with they dirty sites.

[Dolphin]

I was 29. This just happened yesterday, remember Billy? Your mother and I have decided to take the internets away from you. You can't be trusted with they dirty sites.

Why are you asking your dad about the noises your parents make at 29?

[Ass Dan]

So Ass Dan and his mother are walking in the park. He sees 2 dogs fukking, so he asks his mother (cause you know he's a virgin); "Mother? Whats that"? His mother says its nothing and "they're just baking a cake". Later they both go back to they're trailer park home and he sees two goats fukking. He asks the same question and his mother answer is the same. Next morning he asks his mother; "Mother, were you and father baking a cake in the living room? because I licked some frosting from off the couch."

My mind rapage of YCC f@gatrons is continuing at an alarming pace.

[Ass Dan]

A 10 year old boy (we'll call him Billy) is laying in his bed, can't sleep from the rain and thunderstorm. He hears his mom and dad making these crazy noises in the other room.

The next morning at the breakfast table, it's just him and dad - he asks "Dad, what were you mommy doing last night?" his father replies "well son, we were playing poker and your mother was the wild card."

Later on that day Billy gets off the bus and walks through his front door. His older brother and his girlfriend are out-in-the-open sexing on the couch. Billy goes back outside and plays in the front yard until his other brother's girlfriend leaves. After she leaves Billy walks back inside and asks his brother "hey, what were you and your girlfriend doing on the couch? Big brother replies "well bro, we playing poker and she was the wildcard!."

Later on that evening Dad gets home. As he's walking to his room he hears this smacking noise coming from Billy's room. Dad knocks on the door, "Son?" ... no reply ... "Billy, is that you in there?!" ... no reply.

WHAM!!! Dad kicks the door in. Shocked beyond belief he yells at his son "what the hell are you doing?!" ... Billy replies "DADDY! DADDY! YOU DON'T NEED A WILDCARD IF YOU GOT A GOOD HAND!"

:roll:

Its a bit long, but mos def :lol


Q-What did Premeditated's sister say when she lost her virginity?

A-Get off me Dad you're crushing my smokes.

(btw she was 12...holllaaaaaaaa!)

[Premeditated]

Its a bit long, but mos def :lol


Q-What did Premeditated's sister say when she lost her virginity?

A-Get off me Dad you're crushing my smokes.

(btw she was 12...holllaaaaaaaa!)
:roll:

:lol

:oldlol:

unfortunately for you, I don't have a sister. You were almost there.:oldlol:

[Legend of Josh]

Why are you asking your dad about the noises your parents make at 29?

:hammerhead:

I think you completely missed the part where I'm the dad and you're Billy. You were the one asking why me and your mother were humping and making crazy zoo monkey noises.

[JEFFERSON MONEY]

What did Ice Cube say when two houses from the sky fell upon him and nearly crushed him to death?

Get off me, Homes.

[CeltsGarlic]

2 potatoes in an oven, one says "shiii, its hot in here!" the other says, "Oh my god!! a talking potato!!"

[Ass Dan]

whaddaya call a Mexican woman with no legs?
















C*ntswaylo
























:roll: :roll: :roll:

[TheMan]

Why does the Mexican Olympic team suck? Because anyone who could run, jump or swim is already on this side of the border.

How long does it take a black chick to throw out the garbage?
9 months.

How do you fit 17 Jews in a BMW?
In the ash tray...