View Full Version : Not my best day.... (possibly a tl;dr for many)
I'm writing this in hopes of sorting out my own thoughts. I'm sure I will get a decent amount of immature posts (of which I will not be responding because it is a sensitive issue for me), but I appreciate those with serious comments and thoughts. I'm processing something that is bigger than I've ever had to think about before. About 48 hours ago, my girlfriend of nearly 6 years dropped something on me. I stewed on it for about 24 hours, and when I confronted her about the feelings I was having, an even bigger bombshell was dropped on me.
As many of you may know based on past posts, I have a few big changes coming my way. One is that I am moving to southern California in the summer (July is the plan). The other is that I am on a kidney transplant list, expecting to get the call any time, and am scheduled for dialysis if I don't have it by next month. My girlfriend and I have planned on getting married, and would have already been married if it weren't for health insurance screwing things up (if I get married in my current situation, I lose my insurance, this country is really f*cked up).
Well now, my girlfriend wants to stay in Oregon during that year so that she can "figure out" her own life. She initially phrased it as she wants to keep her job, but she suggested that even if her contract isn't renewed (she is a teacher and at the bottom of the seniority list with budget cuts coming, so a strong possibility), it isn't a given that she would come with me. In a lot of situations, I would be cool with that and try the long distance thing. However, she really pushed for California and that was a big consideration of where I would go. If I knew I was going alone, I certainly would have pushed more for Washington where I would have been a reasonable drive to my brother's and a long drive to my parents'. I feel a bit like I was coaxed into moving far away from everybody I knew, and then abandoned. Not only does that suck in general, but put on top of that the fact that I will be going through a lot of medical changes soon. I will be having a transplant and will not be allowed to do a lot of simple things like grocery shopping because of limits of how much weight I will be allowed to carry. If I can't carry my own groceries during recovery, I'm going to have to go through the pain of either ordering food all the time, having to pay for somebody to get my groceries, or have my mother quit her job (also a teacher) to fly to California as well to take care of me. Not to mention, it would be nice for peace of mind to have somebody there with me to make sure I don't have serious complications with the transplant, as well any emotional support that may be necessary as I recover. I don't know all the specifics of how it will be challenging to recover post transplant while living in an area where you know nobody, but I'm sure it isn't great. My initial reaction is, "How can I plan on staying with somebody who abandons me when I need them most?"
I probed into what she needs to figure out, and discovered what some of her doubts are. She gave me a small list of things that are not perfect in our relationship. (1) She wants to get rid of our dog that we got 7 months ago. She pushed for the dog, I eventually agreed. Now, I love that dog and she wants to get rid of it because it annoys her (he can be very energetic and he sheds a lot, but otherwise a super loving and obedient dog). (2) She hates that I am not the most clean person. This admittedly is my biggest flaw. I don't do laundry often and have 2 large overflowing laundry baskets of dirty clothes (I have lots of clothes, so I do laundry only about once a month). I'm also not as quick to do dishes or vacuum as much as I should (especially considering our dog sheds a lot). (3) She fears that my health will become a burden. Which it will in moments, but after I recover from my transplant, there is no reason I can't remain healthy another 20 years before having to go through it again. (4) She fears my debt. I have a lot of student loans because of finishing my doctorate in psychology. (5) She fears I won't want to quit jobs randomly to move to another country for another year here and there. My future job is likely to have summers off, so I'd be willing to go somewhere during that time, but she is right that I won't sacrifice my career to bounce from country to country. Though, I am willing to let her go off to another country here and there on her own or with a friend as long as it is not when I am ill and need her with me.
To make matters worse, she cheated on me. Now, this may sound extreme to a lot of people, but cheating can have a different affects on different people depending on circumstances. She said that she had never cheated on me until the last month and a half. She had been talking to this guy she knew through work on the phone fairly frequently. They apparently went for a drive and he pressured her do fool around with him. She said no, and he asked if he could just jerk off in her presence and she said yes...
:biggums:
...so that happened. She said that she has thought about leaving me to be with him, and it was a little more than just fantasizing about being with somebody else. She also said that this opened the door for her to the possibility of being with somebody other than me, because she had never seriously considered such a thing until recently. She then snuck out to meet with another guy (she told me she was meeting a friend, so blatantly lied to me). They spent a bit of time with each other at a park, then made out in his car for a bit. She told me this was also not just a sexual thing, but she also thought about the possibility of actually being with him. The not just being a sexual thing is big part to me. The idea of her lying to me to meet this guy who she wants to be with on some level is more hurtful to me than her making out with him. Some of you may have remembered a thread I made about a sexual deal the 2 of us were discussing, because we view love and sex as not interchangeable. We never did come to an agreement, so what she did broke our currently set boundaries, but as I said, more hurtful is the idea of leaving me, not the action of kissing (or watching a guy jack off.... but still, wtf).
She still says she does not know what she wants to do, though said she would still move down to Cali with me (but on some level it feels like she says this because she knows the timing is so bad that I could be royally screwed). The deceit hurts, but the idea that she even considered leaving me when I will need her most is the most painful. She says she still loves me, but knows she has to figure some of her own shit out. In the mean time, I now have to decide if this is a person I want to stay with. I'm sure many will say "leave the b*tch" or something similar, but when you have loved somebody so much for so many years, that is a lot to throw away after only a month and a half of doubt on her end and only 24 hours of doubt on my end.
reppy
04-26-2012, 03:10 AM
Sounds complicated. But, honestly dude . . that's too much shit to be putting on you. She betrayed your trust at a critical junction in your life.
Break that shit off.
Consider yourself lucky she did this before you got married and/or had kids.
Solidape
04-26-2012, 03:12 AM
My brothers wife left him to hook up with some dude in another country and my brother asked if he should take her back?
I told him that I would punch him in the face if he took her back and I will tell you the same thing man. Drop that chick, sure it is going to hurt, but on the long run it is going to be better for you.
If a chick cheats on you....time to bump her, no questions asked!
I feel for you bro and can understand the hard time that is coming up for you, but sticking out with a chick like this is only going to make you more miserable.
Bump and run. If she really loved you she wouldn't be doing this sh!t, you know why? Cause you won't be doing the same sh!t if the situation was reversed.
reppy
04-26-2012, 03:16 AM
Do men do this shit? This like, "I just don't know anymore! I thought I understood my feelings, and then.. I thought about something and now I don't know anymore!"
It's a win-win situation for her, really. You get to be there for her to "help her figure her out" and then either she gets to keep you or she figures out she doesn't want to be with you and she dumps you.
You don't deserve to be put in that position. If she dumps you, its going to feel awful. She's already screwed around on you, what, twice? Put yourself in the position of power and kick her to the curb. She doesn't deserve you.
AirTupac
04-26-2012, 03:16 AM
1) She cheated on you, she lies to you, she thinks about cheating on you
2) She made a LIST of things you have to do in order for her to stay in the relationship
Honestly man, the best thing is to move on, this chick is definitely sketchy.
If a chick cheats on you....time to bump her, no questions asked!
I feel for you bro and can understand the hard time that is coming up for you, but sticking out with a chick like this is only going to make you more miserable.
Bump and run. If she really loved you she wouldn't be doing this sh!t, you know why? Cause you won't be doing the same sh!t if the situation was reversed.
I used to feel the same way, but I had been re-evaluating what my deal breakers were the last few months as it is. It is a good possibility that this is what I will do. One of the tough parts of calling it quits is that doing so just like that doesn't give us the chance of even seeing if things are just in a temporary rut. I don't want to abandon our relationship on a haste decision without having time to figure out what I want to do. Lots of relationships have a major challenge at some point and some make it after that point and some don't. This is our first major challenge in 6 years, and I don't want to leave without at least considering my options. But as I said, the option very well may be to leave her. So far, I've only had a chance to consult with one of my close friends, so more of that will be occurring tomorrow.
chazzy
04-26-2012, 03:29 AM
Sorry you have to go through all that. She sounds like she already has one foot out the door and I don't know how you can trust someone like that long term. This situation is something that could completely undermine your relationship eventually down the road, so it would be best to try to end things before you move down here. I know it's incredibly hard to walk away from someone you seriously thought about marrying, but the sacrifices you may have to make after your surgery may not be as bad as prolonging an already badly damaged relationship. Take the dog too.
1) She cheated on you, she lies to you, she thinks about cheating on you
2) She made a LIST of things you have to do in order for her to stay in the relationship
Honestly man, the best thing is to move on, this chick is definitely sketchy.
#2 is incorrect. Those are things she had questioned and made her doubt our future, but they weren't demands of what I need to get rid of. She has been on me about cleaning for many years, and we both know that changes in those habits will be minimal at best based on my past attempts to improve. I also told her no f*cking way I am getting rid of the dog. Last thing I'm going to do is get rid of the dog and then have her leave me anyway. However, with my move to Cali, we have had difficulty finding affordable places that allow large dogs (he weighs about 85lbs). So even before it was a possibility that my parents keep the dog for a year. If we do still move to California together, we may not have the dog anyway, giving us more time to evaluate our shit.
#1... yes. I can't deny having thoughts of wanting to bang the shit out of other girls too, lol. But the actions that specifically took place over the last month or so are harder to get over, even when I do have more relaxed views regarding sex than other people.
Sorry you have to go through all that. She sounds like she already has one foot out the door and I don't know how you can trust someone like that long term. This situation is something that could completely undermine your relationship eventually down the road, so it would be best to try to end things before you move down here. I know it's incredibly hard to walk away from someone you seriously thought about marrying, but the sacrifices you may have to make after your surgery may not be as bad as prolonging an already badly damaged relationship. Take the dog too.
One of my life philosophies is that people should choose every day to be with each other. Even if she didn't have one foot out the door, there is always that possibility with any relationship, and it can be devastating in any relationship. Therefore, if she leaves me now, or in 1 month, or in 6 months, or if I leave her at any of those times, it doesn't make a big difference to me (well, except for the kidney transplant timing). If I wake up a week from now and she has decided she wants to be with me and I am over what she had done to me, then all that matters is that we both decided to stay together. If I can't handle what she had done to me and it continues to wear on me, then I'll end it. I think a lot of people put too much emphasis on who ended it with who. In the end, all that matters is: are you together or not, so I'm not going to make a decision just to avoid being dumped if I decide my ultimate goal is to be with her.
Damn, that's a lot of shit to deal with. Keep your head up, homie.
Going behind your back is definitely fvcked up but her not being committed to be there while you're recovering is worse.
And the dog thing just seems immature.
Just a whole bunch of bullshit you shouldn't have to be dealing with when your about to get a new kidney and shit.
And the jerking off thing:biggums: Who even requests that shit?
Yeah. I think I'm dealing with it ok. Better than I would have anticipated if somebody told me this shit would go down last month. I think the jerking off guy is a little younger and more immature. I don't think the issue though is who the guy is, but that she is looking at others as possible people to be with. My initial reaction to him jerking in front of her was more WTF than anger when she told me. I probably had the exact same face as: :biggums:
shortly followed by :coleman:
bmulls
04-26-2012, 03:41 AM
I think she's trying to get you to dump her. She doesn't want to be the **** that dumped her boyfriend of 6 years a month before he had a kidney transplant.
I agree with reppy, it's better you found out now than 5 years from now when you're married with kids.
You sound like a good dude, so keep your chin up and soldier on through it. You'll be a better man for it when you come out on the other side.
macmac
04-26-2012, 03:46 AM
Watch the movie 50/50 and then apply whatever u take from it to your life
I think she's trying to get you to dump her. She doesn't want to be the **** that dumped her boyfriend of 6 years a month before he had a kidney transplant.
I've wondered this. If I do break up with her though, I'm pretty sure she is still the one that comes out looking bad. Making her look bad isn't my goal though. As of right now, I don't hate her, in fact I still love her.... which of course is what makes it difficult. Not that I'm a vengeful person, but if I were, I even know how to get my revenge: Convince her to quit her job (the only one she has ever liked) and move to Cali, then dump her. But as I said, I would not intentionally do this.
I agree with reppy, it's better you found out now than 5 years from now when you're married with kids.
100% agree.
You sound like a good dude, so keep your chin up and soldier on through it. You'll be a better man for it when you come out on the other side.
Probably a better psychologist too, lol.
Watch the movie 50/50 and then apply whatever u take from it to your life
I saw it about a month ago, but the sequence of events escapes me. Did his ex cheat on him before or after the cancer diagnosis?
Also, one part I will not apply is how terrible his therapist was. Though, my girlfriend and I did talk about seeing a couples therapist.
reppy
04-26-2012, 03:58 AM
IMO, you should never get "revenge".. because it suddenly "justifies" the person for treating you badly. "Yeah, I cheated on him.. but look at what he did to me when he found out! He deserved to be cheated on!"
Best advice I've heard on getting "revenge" after a bad break up? Don't talk to the girl anymore. Don't be spiteful or anything.. just don't talk to 'em. Drives 'em nuts for some reason.
And then.. you gotta forgive the girl. She doesn't have to know. But you can't harbor anger or hate in your heart because it harms you in other ways.
macmac
04-26-2012, 04:03 AM
I saw it about a month ago, but the sequence of events escapes me. Did his ex cheat on him before or after the cancer diagnosis?
Also, one part I will not apply is how terrible his therapist was. Though, my girlfriend and I did talk about seeing a couples therapist.
After. And he also kept the dog...
Health complications are a true test on a relationship. When things are nice and rosy it's easy to get along and enjoy someone's company...but when you truly need your loved one, will they be there for you?
I think you already know what to do. But you don't wanna let go. You don't want to deal with the loneliness. And maybe not finding anyone new anytime soon especially with all the future changes. But the answer is pretty straight forward...you have to cut ties. Move on. Start a new chapter in your life. Life will take you through so many different paths. And what you feel now will become a distant memory, just an obstacle that helps shape who you are and who you will spend your life with.
IMO, you should never get "revenge".. because it suddenly "justifies" the person for treating you badly. "Yeah, I cheated on him.. but look at what he did to me when he found out! He deserved to be cheated on!"
Best advice I've heard on getting "revenge" after a bad break up? Don't talk to the girl anymore. Don't be spiteful or anything.. just don't talk to 'em. Drives 'em nuts for some reason.
And then.. you gotta forgive the girl. She doesn't have to know. But you can't harbor anger or hate in your heart because it harms you in other ways.
This is essentially what I see happening if we part ways, but not intentionally to get revenge. If we part, it will likely be because I am still harboring anger and resentment, so I won't talk to her. That will eventually go away and I'll be happy to live my life and I'll be happy for whatever she decides to do with hers.
Kobe 4 The Win
04-26-2012, 04:05 AM
Wait a minute.
So she told you that she didn't do anything with that guy from work but he just jerked off in front of her, and you bought it? Come on son!
Put youself first homie. If you let her get away with this shit, when you get married shes gonna run wild on you. I don't like this one bit. Do what you need to do in order to get healthy and be successful in your own right. She doesn't sound dependable and trustworthy. When bitches start acting "confused" you gotta move on.
Wait a minute.
So she told you that she didn't do anything with that guy from work but he just jerked off in front of her, and you bought it? Come on son!
She could have just as easily not told me that, so yes, I bought it. I think she stopped herself from going any further because she felt guilty (as she should).
Put youself first homie. If you let her get away with this shit, when you get married shes gonna run wild on you.
I am putting myself first. If I stay with her, it will be on my terms. Her confusion is hers to figure out, not mine. She can decide she wants to stay with me, but I still have my own choice regarding if I want to stay with her. Right now, the ball is just as much in my court as it is hers. If she wants to even have a chance of staying with me, she will be moving to California, the dog remains mine (though possibly staying with my parents for a year no matter what our relationship status), and she can expect me to be the same slob, with health issues and loan issues. Essentially, if she wants a chance to be with me, she has to do everything that was already according to the prior plan and even then I may end it with her anyway.
As for marriage, that is the furthest thing from my mind right now. One step at a time.
Kobe 4 The Win
04-26-2012, 04:26 AM
She could have just as easily not told me that, so yes, I bought it. I think she stopped herself from going any further because she felt guilty (as she should).
That's why she told you that story pimp. You admit to a smaller offense to throw people off your trail and create some sort of bogus trust. Just like when Mark McGwire let the press see his bottle of androstenedione. We all know how he really got big. It was a diversion. You want to believe someone so when they feed you a line of BS you rationalize it based on their "confession".
Kobe 4 The Win
04-26-2012, 04:29 AM
I am putting myself first. If I stay with her, it will be on my terms. Her confusion is hers to figure out, not mine. She can decide she wants to stay with me, but I still have my own choice regarding if I want to stay with her. Right now, the ball is just as much in my court as it is hers. If she wants to even have a chance of staying with me, she will be moving to California, the dog remains mine (though possibly staying with my parents for a year no matter what our relationship status), and she can expect me to be the same slob, with health issues and loan issues. Essentially, if she wants a chance to be with me, she has to do everything that was already according to the prior plan and even then I may end it with her anyway.
As for marriage, that is the furthest thing from my mind right now. One step at a time.
Word. Make sure you stick to your guns and keep the upper hand.
Kews1
04-26-2012, 04:38 AM
Sorry you got to deal with all this shit man! Hope everything works out well for you
tomtucker
04-26-2012, 04:44 AM
you and the dog should move to cali.....get the new neighbours to help you with stuff.......
Stuckey
04-26-2012, 04:45 AM
holy shit that is a long op
dump the girl, move on
what more needs to be said?
you and the dog should move to cali.....get the new neighbours to help you with stuff.......
I'm moving to Cali either way. I'm under contract to do my pre-doctoral internship. If I don't go, nobody will ever hire me for a pre-doctoral internship again, and I will never receive my Psy.D, so that part is not even a question. The dog depends on whether I can find a place I can afford that accepts large dogs.
holy shit that is a long op
Which is why I warned people even in the title. I had a lot of thoughts and a lot of shit happened, so I knew it was going to be long when I wrote it. My thoughts were clear enough that I wrote it pretty fast though.
About to go to bed. Curious about the amount of sleep I'll actually get. Didn't sleep well the last 2 nights as it was before more details came to my awareness.
I know it's always hard, and your current situation makes it even harder, but you've got to move on from her. IMO there's too many options out there to continue a relationship on such unsure footing. Didn't you also make a thread about a "deal" where this girl wanted you to sleep with other girls so she could sleep with other guys? I wouldn't be surprised if she's done more with another dude than what she's told you so far. I get that she hasn't acted like a crazy b*tch for 6 years, but she's acting like one now, and I don't see how you could need or want that in your life.
Also unless you have a binding reason (such as a job secured there), I'd ditch the Cali plans and move to WA like you wanted.
bluechox2
04-26-2012, 04:58 AM
what fa99it wants to jack off while the girl he wants to bang is watching?, no doubt as human nature goes, she had some part in it or she just lied to your face about not having sex
just cut her loose, she sounds like a head case in the future for you
she probably take a year off away from you and end up birthing a kid, then comes crawling back.
just end it
I know it's always hard, and your current situation makes it even harder, but you've got to move on from her. IMO there's too many options out there to continue a relationship on such unsure footing. Didn't you also make a thread about a "deal" where this girl wanted you to sleep with other girls so she could sleep with other guys? I wouldn't be surprised if she's done more with another dude than what she's told you so far. I get that she hasn't acted like a crazy b*tch for 6 years, but she's acting like one now, and I don't see how you could need or want that in your life.
Also unless you have a binding reason (such as a job secured there), I'd ditch the Cali plans and move to WA like you wanted.
I'm binded to the Cali plans as I mentioned 2-3 posts ago.
The tough thing is, everything about our relationship was pretty damn close to perfect until recently. We watch the same things, we like doing the same things, we have similar political and philosophical views, we never yell at each other even when we have disagreements, etc. As you said, she could have done more with another dude than she told me, but if she did f*ck a dude or suck a d*ck, that actually bothers me less than her thinking she wants to leave me for somebody else. If she said, "I hooked up with a guy last night and we f*cked for an hour; It was fun," that would bother me less than sneaking around and considering leaving me with somebody she didn't f*ck.
Alright, off to bed. Thanks for the opinions.
StateOfMind12
04-26-2012, 05:27 AM
I suggest you move on from her but I do understand why you are so indecisive about this whole issue.
It's hard to leave someone or even ignore someone who has been there for you for a long period of time especially when they have done so much.
In my opinion, the problem is only going to get worse as time progresses. I honestly think your relationship with her is pretty much toxic and you are better off not having her in my life (at least as a wife/gf/loved one). I'm not exactly in your position though so maybe I don't understand completely but I'm just basing it on what you said in the first post.
Not that I'm a vengeful person, but if I were, I even know how to get my revenge: Convince her to quit her job (the only one she has ever liked) and move to Cali, then dump her. But as I said, I would not intentionally do this.
:oldlol: To be honest, I think she had no intention of hurting you. I think she is just stupid.
You should post pics of her because that is usually the icebreaker. :D
I'm binded to the Cali plans as I mentioned 2-3 posts ago.
The tough thing is, everything about our relationship was pretty damn close to perfect until recently. We watch the same things, we like doing the same things, we have similar political and philosophical views, we never yell at each other even when we have disagreements, etc. As you said, she could have done more with another dude than she told me, but if she did f*ck a dude or suck a d*ck, that actually bothers me less than her thinking she wants to leave me for somebody else. If she said, "I hooked up with a guy last night and we f*cked for an hour; It was fun," that would bother me less than sneaking around and considering leaving me with somebody she didn't f*ck.
Well at least she didn't push you towards moving to Alabama or something, right? I get what you're saying but hang in there and you'll find another great relationship. Hanging on to a relationship that used to be great but just isn't anymore isn't the answer. Dump her, and months from now you'll have a friend in a similar situation and you'll give him the same advice people here have given you.
1) She cheated on you, she lies to you, she thinks about cheating on you
2) She made a LIST of things you have to do in order for her to stay in the relationship
Honestly man, the best thing is to move on, this chick is definitely sketchy.
snap! i agree with AirTupac!
She doesn't want to take on your problems so she is trying to leave you. **** her. It's not going to be easy but the last thing you need is her around when you have so many real issues to deal with.
I never in my life tolerated cheating. I don't see why other people do.
IcanzIIravor
04-26-2012, 08:41 AM
She doesn't want to take on your problems so she is trying to leave you. **** her. It's not going to be easy but the last thing you need is her around when you have so many real issues to deal with.
I never in my life tolerated cheating. I don't see why other people do.
This. If you were healthy and on your way to a good career she would stick by you. She wants the benefits, but does not want the responsibilities that come with the relationship. Add the fact she has cheated and contemplates being with other guys and that means best thing is to cut her loose now rather than a messy break up as you leave or if she come to Cali too.
This. If you were healthy and on your way to a good career she would stick by you. She wants the benefits, but does not want the responsibilities that come with the relationship. Add the fact she has cheated and contemplates being with other guys and that means best thing is to cut her loose now rather than a messy break up as you leave or if she come to Cali too.
There's like a billion women in the world. If you are not married, don't have kids, plus she wants to kick your dog out? Screw her. Get another girl.
We forget sometime that there are other people out there.
rufuspaul
04-26-2012, 08:54 AM
After. And he also kept the dog...
Health complications are a true test on a relationship. When things are nice and rosy it's easy to get along and enjoy someone's company...but when you truly need your loved one, will they be there for you?
I think you already know what to do. But you don't wanna let go. You don't want to deal with the loneliness. And maybe not finding anyone new anytime soon especially with all the future changes. But the answer is pretty straight forward...you have to cut ties. Move on. Start a new chapter in your life. Life will take you through so many different paths. And what you feel now will become a distant memory, just an obstacle that helps shape who you are and who you will spend your life with.
:applause: Best post I've read in awhile.
My story quick. Had a gf for a long time. We argued a lot, i wasn't happy but i couldn't break it off. LIfe wasn't happy so i decided to go overseas for a month or two. She wouldn't let me go so in a moment of anger i told her we were done and left. Regretted it almost immediately.
But i went overseas and met my wife (and a ton of other girls as me and my wife didn't really start dating till she visited me in NY 6 months later). I think we all forget that
1) It's fun chasing multiple girls.
2) A lot of them are nice and fun.
It's cool if you find that person and settle down and do the family thing and all (My kids are basically my whole day and it's fun.). But if you need to explain your problems with your partner and it takes 2,000 words, they need to be gone.
heyhey
04-26-2012, 09:13 AM
honest question, which of you would stick by your girl or whoever you were dating in your early 20s, if she became sick and was moving to a different part of the country? My first inclination is that I would be doing what myth's chick is doing, looking for reasons to get out of the relationship and justifying it to myself, overcoming the guilt. Especially if the relationship isn't built on anything more substantial than we like doing the samething and have similar taste in stuff.
Godzuki
04-26-2012, 09:23 AM
you should separate for a few months. tell her you still love her but how its clear to you that she needs to figure out what she wants to do. also let her know where you stand that you won't be giving up the dog. going to cali while she stays might be better for your relationship since it seems to me she's getting that grass is greener picture in her head, where it comes down to letting her see for herself if it is. otherwise it'll forever be in her head. its not easy for long time relationship people to match up with others and theres a good chance they won't work out and she'll come back to you. just prepare yourself for the possibility that she doesn't and it being over...which is a lot easier said than done but relationship stress is one of those things where the world is ending at the time but over time in hindsight its something you regret worrying about so much.
honestly the cheating part is unacceptable, even if you're more understanding of it than most people. and not trying to be a dikk here just a bit suspicious what she told you was all they did. It just seems very odd to me how a guy would ask to jerk off and she be okay with it since thats real creepy, especially early in a relationship unless all he's after is sex and is a very bold dude. I just think it could be a convenient lie by her underplaying it, that you'd accept easier considering no touching supposedly occurred.
Ask your mom to come down and stay with you if you need help, or move in with them temporarily until your health issues don't require other peoples help. Buy a air purifier for your dogs hair shedding. it won't get rid of it but it should cut down on a lot of the loose hair i think, and the dog smell. There are car ones too which aren't very expensive.
you should separate for a few months. tell her you still love her but how its clear to you that she needs to figure out what she wants to do. also let her know where you stand that you won't be giving up the dog. going to cali while she stays might be better for your relationship since it seems to me she's getting that grass is greener picture in her head, where it comes down to letting her see for herself if it is. otherwise it'll forever be in her head. its not easy for long time relationship people to match up with others and theres a good chance they won't work out and she'll come back to you. just prepare yourself for the possibility that she doesn't and it being over...which is a lot easier said than done but relationship stress is one of those things where the world is ending at the time but over time in hindsight its something you regret worrying about so much.
honestly the cheating part is unacceptable, even if you're more understanding of it than most people. and not trying to be a dikk here just a bit suspicious what she told you was all they did. It just seems very odd to me how a guy would ask to jerk off and she be okay with it since thats real creepy, especially early in a relationship unless all he's after is sex and is a very bold dude. I just think it could be a convenient lie by her underplaying it, that you'd accept easier considering no touching supposedly occurred.
Ask your mom to come down and stay with you if you need help, or move in with them temporarily until your health issues don't require other peoples help. Buy a air purifier for your dogs hair shedding. it won't get rid of it but it should cut down on a lot of the loose hair i think, and the dog smell. There are car ones too which aren't very expensive.
That's really really a good point.
rufuspaul
04-26-2012, 09:42 AM
honest question, which of you would stick by your girl or whoever you were dating in your early 20s, if she became sick and was moving to a different part of the country? My first inclination is that I would be doing what myth's chick is doing, looking for reasons to get out of the relationship and justifying it to myself, overcoming the guilt. Especially if the relationship isn't built on anything more substantial than we like doing the samething and have similar taste in stuff.
Except that the OP was in this relationship for 6 years and they were talking about getting married. That's a little more committed and makes the cheating that much more unacceptable imo.
IcanzIIravor
04-26-2012, 09:52 AM
honest question, which of you would stick by your girl or whoever you were dating in your early 20s, if she became sick and was moving to a different part of the country? My first inclination is that I would be doing what myth's chick is doing, looking for reasons to get out of the relationship and justifying it to myself, overcoming the guilt. Especially if the relationship isn't built on anything more substantial than we like doing the samething and have similar taste in stuff.
I think it depends if it is love or just people together to not be alone. His chick obviously doesn't love him and was fine and dandy with things until his health started intruding on her good times.
Abd El-Krim
04-26-2012, 10:22 AM
The chick sounds like a bossy **** to me, placing all these demands and conditions on you like she's ordering a cheeseburger. Pair that with the bizarre accounts of cheating and you're in serious danger of being cuckolded. You obviously love this girl but she's treating you like crap and you need to get out before you dig a deeper hole by marrying her, having kids, etc.
I understand that isn't easy to do. I stayed with my girlfriend of 3 years while she 'figured things out' after cheating on me because I didn't want to lose her. After months of a pseudo-relationship she realized what a stupid bitch she was and came crawling back to me. Luckily by that time I had realized what a stupid bitch she was too and trashed her. Would have saved everyone a lot of trouble had I pulled my head out of my ass and listened to what every single person I knew was telling me.
Joshumitsu
04-26-2012, 12:21 PM
Well, at least you're both trying to be honest with each other and have a steady line of communication. Those are traits of a successful relationship.
And what is a successful relationship anyway? Many happily married couples argue and cheat on each other but still maintain an honest/open and committed relationship to each other, thus strengthening their bonds. Even then, sometimes that works, sometimes that doesn't. It really depends on how much work you want to put into it and if you think that work is worth it.
But I figure you already realize that.
So, I think the best course of action is to keep communicating your wants to her but at the same time, give her space to grow as an individual while supporting her individual decisions.
The way I see it, her penetration skills aren't working against your rigid, methodical zone defense. But her shooting stroke hasn't been falling either. So, you have to gamble and keep letting her shoot from long distance.
Or perhaps a more apt comparison is that she is unwilling to share the ball. Thus, you're going to have to either score on putbacks or get really open by moving off the ball. Not only will your rebounding and points skyrocket but she'll respect you if you make her job easier (plus, she'll get more assists).
In other words, make the best of this situation. Nurture your talents. Adapt. Learn to clean after yourself. Try to grow as a person and allow her to grow as well. The best relationships are ones where people can live both together and without each other. You both might need a bit of space to figure things out from a different perspective. Try living these next several months as a single man. It doesn't mean you have to go out and/or meet other women but rather, just explore your own individuality and then, consider if the costs outweigh the benefits. Then, when the trade deadline nears, you make a decision that benefits you.
Who knows? Perhaps you meet an even better person (preferably, someone who can dunk the ball). I'm sure, your girl is probably thinking the same thing right now (Y'know, dunking).
Well, at least you're both trying to be honest with each other and have a steady line of communication. Those are traits of a successful relationship.
And what is a successful relationship anyway? Many happily married couples argue and cheat on each other but still maintain an honest/open and committed relationship to each other, thus strengthening their bonds. Even then, sometimes that works, sometimes that doesn't. It really depends on how much work you want to put into it and if you think that work is worth it.
But I figure you already realize that.
So, I think the best course of action is to keep communicating your wants to her but at the same time, give her space to grow as an individual while supporting her individual decisions.
The way I see it, her penetration skills aren't working against your rigid, methodical zone defense. But her shooting stroke hasn't been falling either. So, you have to gamble and keep letting her shoot from long distance.
Or perhaps a more apt comparison is that she is unwilling to share the ball. Thus, you're going to have to either score on putbacks or get really open by moving off the ball. Not only will your rebounding and points skyrocket but she'll respect you if you make her job easier (plus, she'll get more assists).
In other words, make the best of this situation. Nurture your talents. Adapt. Learn to clean after yourself. Try to grow as a person and allow her to grow as well. The best relationships are ones where people can live both together and without each other. You both might need a bit of space to figure things out from a different perspective. Try living these next several months as a single man. It doesn't mean you have to go out and/or meet other women but rather, just explore your own individuality and then, consider if the costs outweigh the benefits. Then, when the trade deadline nears, you make a decision that benefits you.
Who knows? Perhaps you meet an even better person (preferably, someone who can dunk the ball). I'm sure, your girl is probably thinking the same thing right now (Y'know, dunking).
NO they don't. MOst marriages i know where people cheated are pretty bad. Supporting someone in their individual life where that life includes ****ing other guys strikes me as something a pathetic ***** would do.
highwhey
04-26-2012, 12:27 PM
sorry to hear that myth. i don't know that chick of yours, but that's just wrong. i really hope everything sorts out for you, when things go awry with a person you care about, your focus on life becomes fuzzy. it's as if your entire aspirations in life become meaningless if that person you care so much about is not by your side any longer. you're the expert in this area, but i suggest you ditch her. 6 year relationship and she cheats? even a single instance of infidelity merits a break up. given your circumstances, her act of betrayal just makes her a cntbag, like proffessormurder mentioned.
Well, at least you're both trying to be honest with each other and have a steady line of communication. Those are traits of a successful relationship.
And what is a successful relationship anyway? Many happily married couples argue and cheat on each other but still maintain an honest/open and committed relationship to each other, thus strengthening their bonds. Even then, sometimes that works, sometimes that doesn't. It really depends on how much work you want to put into it and if you think that work is worth it.
But I figure you already realize that.
So, I think the best course of action is to keep communicating your wants to her but at the same time, give her space to grow as an individual while supporting her individual decisions.
Yeah, our communication skills seem top notch. We were able to sit and talk about this for hours without once losing our cool. That is one of the aspects of our relationship that was a major strength. As I mentioned before, I'd be more willing to live separately and do a trial separation of sorts if I didn't have medical issues. The medical issues make it a deal breaker if she can't find it in herself to be there for me while I need her most. That is a bigger betrayal of my trust than the cheating.
She sounds like a cuntbag. I pretty much agree with everyone else in the thread, she's in the wrong x 1000.
I also agree she is wrong x 1000. She even knows that. For me, the question isn't "Is what she did wrong?," rather it is "Can I forgive her and move on with our relationship?"
Ask your mom to come down and stay with you if you need help, or move in with them temporarily until your health issues don't require other peoples help. Buy a air purifier for your dogs hair shedding. it won't get rid of it but it should cut down on a lot of the loose hair i think, and the dog smell. There are car ones too which aren't very expensive.
Other family members are not in as easy of a place in life to move down to take care of me. Also, due to my family dynamics, my mom probably wouldn't let anybody but herself take time off :lol
I also agree she is wrong x 1000. She even knows that. For me, the question isn't "Is what she did wrong?," rather it is "Can I forgive her and move on with our relationship?"
People who cheat generally cheat more than once. They just admit to once. The beauty of pre marriage is being able to ditch people who wrong you. In a time of need, she jerked off some guy.
I'm not trying to be harsh but i always give younger than me people the same advice, if you are in a problematic non marriage and have no kids, move on. The world doesn't need to be so difficult.
People who cheat generally cheat more than once. They just admit to once. The beauty of pre marriage is being able to ditch people who wrong you. In a time of need, she jerked off some guy.
I'm not trying to be harsh but i always give younger than me people the same advice, if you are in a problematic non marriage and have no kids, move on. The world doesn't need to be so difficult.
How old are you? I seem to be above that average age here myself. (27)
How old are you? I seem to be above that average age here myself. (27)
38. I spent years with a girl i had issues with thinking she was "the one" and trying to make things work, feeling like the problems we had were normal and work out. Then i broke it off and literally 2 months later found my wife (although that took another 6 months or so). My wife actually is not someone i would have thought fit me but it turns out she really really did. Now we are married with 2 kids.
The way she acted indicates a lack of respect. You seem like a decent dude, i feel like you deserve someone better. It might be she's just a great woman who made a mistake but that is the kind of mistake that indicates a lack of respect for you. That's a deal breaker.
I've seen so many people with this partner they fight with, can't make it work and finally they dump them and almost instanteously, the right person appears. Especially with you 27 - you are too young.
Break it off. It will hurt. It will pass. You'll find another and when the memories pass to good ones you'll know it was right.
DukeDelonte13
04-26-2012, 01:24 PM
you gotta break it off with her. She's not dedicated to you. My fianc
glidedrxlr22
04-26-2012, 01:30 PM
Myth let's say all is forgiven and you two somehow end up married. Eventually in marriages couples reach a period where things are taken for granted or things get stale. What then? She's gonna stray again? Right now you both are young and things should be exciting. If she's straying now, what happens during marriage when responsibilities put a strain on matters even more?
KevinNYC
04-26-2012, 01:35 PM
I'm moving to Cali either way. I'm under contract to do my pre-doctoral internship. If I don't go, nobody will ever hire me for a pre-doctoral internship again, and I will never receive my Psy.D, so that part is not even a question. The dog depends on whether I can find a place I can afford that accepts large dogs.
You're about to get a kidney transplant, correct?
I think this is a big extenuating circumstance. When do you move? With the job market the way it is, they will be able to replace you.
I don't think telling future employers that I decided to stay close to my family because I was going to need a support network is going to be held against you. You will think psychologists would know this most of all.
Moving alone to a new city while undergoing a kidney transplant is just going to bring extra stress that you don't need.
I think you need to give that a lot of thought........I don't think the consequences you fear will be that bad. In fact, it's probably better to break it off before you begin rather than say 3 months in.
This needs to be your biggest concern.
In terms of the girlfriend, if she's not going to be there for the bad times, it's probably not the best idea to think of building a life together.
In the best case, she is just freaked out by your health issues and can't deal with it now, but will come around. However she's also seems to have a "grass is always greener on the other side syndrome" and is looking for an "alternate" life to inhabit. But guess what, once you choose that alternate life, you still have to deal with who you are. (I once had a professor confess that she got super depressed after she got her PHD, because she thought so many things would change.) She seems to want a new thing, a new life, a new relationship, all the issues you mention deal freedom.
The worst case is she knows she doesn't want to be with you, never intended to move and wants you to break it off.
Let's look at the list she gives
(1) The dog is I think I big issue. At the least, it indicates how fickle she is or how irresponsible she is and didn't realize what getting a dog would entail. Also it seems the dog loves you more than her and thus it's your dog and not hers.
Shedding? Learn how to groom the dog (get a good dog brush that deals with the undercoat and brush the dog often.) Who gives up on a loving dog after 7 months? Energetic, yes, dogs have a lot of energy and it's the responsibility of the owners to give the dog enough energy and train the dog right. (Watch the Dog Whisperer, it definitely helped with my dog.)
This might be hassles, but they are hassles that people who truly love dogs put up with.
(2) The cleaning issues are things that all couples need to work out. This is something you might fight over, but not something to break up over. If you suck at cleaning, then may you should take responsibility of other chores and contribute that way.
However, she could be seeing it as you being selfish and not making an effort for her, which then turns out to be a symptom of a larger problem. That's on the good side.
On the bad side, she could just be using this as the reason to the start the fight, the fight being about a bigger and scarier issue than cleaning.
.
(3) Your health. She fears this will impact on her freedom
(4) Your school debt. If it's school debt, you didn't get this irresponsibly. Again she fears for her freedom.
(5) Moving to other countries. Also her freedom. Also grass in greener. How can she afford to this? She is willing to sacrifice establishing her career?
I think you need to think about your health first and foremost. Before moving and before resolving your relationship.
Zan Tabak
04-26-2012, 01:43 PM
Your focus should be on recovering and getting healthy, not this sh!t. The fact that she's pulling this shit to you at your weakest point, not only shows that she is selfish, it also shows she has low character.
Plenty of fish in the sea homie. Your health is whats important here.
P.s keep the dog, its more loyal.
KevinNYC
04-26-2012, 01:45 PM
She might however, just be freaked out by dealing with the possibility of death. She might simply not know how to handle that.
I also don't think cheating is an absolute dealbreaker. People fvck up from time to time.
I agree with this as well. It depends on the cirumstances. Sometimes people cheat because they are unhappy. Lots of couples have repaired relationships after one-night stands or brief affairs. If someone cheated and still loves you and still willing to make things work, is way different from they cheated because they were looking to leave you and wanted to find a good thing first.
Scholar
04-26-2012, 01:54 PM
Damn, Myth. That's a really terrible situation to be put in.
Think of it like this:
She was deceitful. Even if she has not had sexual penetration of any kind with any other man, just the thought of leaving you to be with someone else is cheating in and of itself.
Her timing is horrid. Obviously she is not clueless to the fact that you'll be going through a major health change. Hell, even I knew that, and I only know you through the internet!
You've got to think about this: Would you want to spend (possibly) the rest of your life with a woman who not only considered cheating on you and leaving, took the actual steps into taking the actions without fully involving herself sexually in those actions (at least not yet), but she wholeheartedly considered leaving you when she knows you'd need her the most?
Whatever decision you make is obviously up to you, but placing myself in your situation, I can't help but think it'd be a major mistake to keep her.
I understand you've been with her for 6 years, and breaking off 6 years worth of developed love is a very difficult task to do, especially over a month and a half worth of possible infidelity, but it only takes less than an hour worth of doubt from one member of a couple to ruin 6 years worth of trust.
Make whatever decision is the wisest to you but do know that the repercussions may not benefit you in the end entirely.
Abd El-Krim
04-26-2012, 01:56 PM
I disagree with people saying she did more than watch the dude jerk off. Why would she make up such a strange thing.
1 - What kind of guy would ask 'can I jack off in your presence?' That sounds more like it's from the brain of a woman who thinks she's hot shit. And within the context of a relationship, a woman who is planting subliminal messages in this poor bastards head. She has a presence?
2 - The story makes it sound like she did right by op. As if she were noble for resisting the creep's advances, and the only way to kill the situation was to let him rub one out. What was she doing while he was jerking off 2 feet away, innocently looking at birds out the window?
Scholar
04-26-2012, 02:11 PM
Thought crime! Everyone thinks about banging other people or being with someone else.
Maybe I should word it better. What I actually meant was "strongly considering leaving you is a form of cheating." And it's true.
Everyone fantasizes being with someone else, but not everyone strongly considers it an option.
rufuspaul
04-26-2012, 02:20 PM
Though I also can't imagine a girl being like "yeah sure" when a dude asks to jerk off in front of her:oldlol:
That's why I never ask.
Godzuki
04-26-2012, 02:35 PM
It just seems to ridiculous to make up to me. I can't imagine a girl thinking up this lie and being like "yeah, this is good"
Though I also can't imagine a girl being like "yeah sure" when a dude asks to jerk off in front of her:oldlol:
why is that so hard to believe? its almost too perfectly made up since she's probably thinking if i say we didn't have physical contact he isn't going to be that upset by it.
and realistically no new relationship, even if its a cheating one, makes sense of a dude asking to jerk off in front of her and her sitting there like its cool. i'd be shocked if that ever happened in any early relationship other than maybe in some prostitute + pervert situation. thats absurd.
DeuceWallaces
04-26-2012, 02:53 PM
You have to drop this girl. That is a long post of terrible things she has done. Moving will be good to start over. You will be working nice reasonable people if you're doing a post doc or something. Pay a student to help you shop for the time being. Plenty of people will offer assistance.
You need to drop her like a bad habit.
MJ(Mean John)
04-26-2012, 03:10 PM
I'm writing this in hopes of sorting out my own thoughts. I'm sure I will get a decent amount of immature posts (of which I will not be responding because it is a sensitive issue for me), but I appreciate those with serious comments and thoughts. I'm processing something that is bigger than I've ever had to think about before. About 48 hours ago, my girlfriend of nearly 6 years dropped something on me. I stewed on it for about 24 hours, and when I confronted her about the feelings I was having, an even bigger bombshell was dropped on me.
As many of you may know based on past posts, I have a few big changes coming my way. One is that I am moving to southern California in the summer (July is the plan). The other is that I am on a kidney transplant list, expecting to get the call any time, and am scheduled for dialysis if I don't have it by next month. My girlfriend and I have planned on getting married, and would have already been married if it weren't for health insurance screwing things up (if I get married in my current situation, I lose my insurance, this country is really f*cked up).
Well now, my girlfriend wants to stay in Oregon during that year so that she can "figure out" her own life. She initially phrased it as she wants to keep her job, but she suggested that even if her contract isn't renewed (she is a teacher and at the bottom of the seniority list with budget cuts coming, so a strong possibility), it isn't a given that she would come with me. In a lot of situations, I would be cool with that and try the long distance thing. However, she really pushed for California and that was a big consideration of where I would go. If I knew I was going alone, I certainly would have pushed more for Washington where I would have been a reasonable drive to my brother's and a long drive to my parents'. I feel a bit like I was coaxed into moving far away from everybody I knew, and then abandoned. Not only does that suck in general, but put on top of that the fact that I will be going through a lot of medical changes soon. I will be having a transplant and will not be allowed to do a lot of simple things like grocery shopping because of limits of how much weight I will be allowed to carry. If I can't carry my own groceries during recovery, I'm going to have to go through the pain of either ordering food all the time, having to pay for somebody to get my groceries, or have my mother quit her job (also a teacher) to fly to California as well to take care of me. Not to mention, it would be nice for peace of mind to have somebody there with me to make sure I don't have serious complications with the transplant, as well any emotional support that may be necessary as I recover. I don't know all the specifics of how it will be challenging to recover post transplant while living in an area where you know nobody, but I'm sure it isn't great. My initial reaction is, "How can I plan on staying with somebody who abandons me when I need them most?"
I probed into what she needs to figure out, and discovered what some of her doubts are. She gave me a small list of things that are not perfect in our relationship. (1) She wants to get rid of our dog that we got 7 months ago. She pushed for the dog, I eventually agreed. Now, I love that dog and she wants to get rid of it because it annoys her (he can be very energetic and he sheds a lot, but otherwise a super loving and obedient dog). (2) She hates that I am not the most clean person. This admittedly is my biggest flaw. I don't do laundry often and have 2 large overflowing laundry baskets of dirty clothes (I have lots of clothes, so I do laundry only about once a month). I'm also not as quick to do dishes or vacuum as much as I should (especially considering our dog sheds a lot). (3) She fears that my health will become a burden. Which it will in moments, but after I recover from my transplant, there is no reason I can't remain healthy another 20 years before having to go through it again. (4) She fears my debt. I have a lot of student loans because of finishing my doctorate in psychology. (5) She fears I won't want to quit jobs randomly to move to another country for another year here and there. My future job is likely to have summers off, so I'd be willing to go somewhere during that time, but she is right that I won't sacrifice my career to bounce from country to country. Though, I am willing to let her go off to another country here and there on her own or with a friend as long as it is not when I am ill and need her with me.
To make matters worse, she cheated on me. Now, this may sound extreme to a lot of people, but cheating can have a different affects on different people depending on circumstances. She said that she had never cheated on me until the last month and a half. She had been talking to this guy she knew through work on the phone fairly frequently. They apparently went for a drive and he pressured her do fool around with him. She said no, and he asked if he could just jerk off in her presence and she said yes...
:biggums:
...so that happened. She said that she has thought about leaving me to be with him, and it was a little more than just fantasizing about being with somebody else. She also said that this opened the door for her to the possibility of being with somebody other than me, because she had never seriously considered such a thing until recently. She then snuck out to meet with another guy (she told me she was meeting a friend, so blatantly lied to me). They spent a bit of time with each other at a park, then made out in his car for a bit. She told me this was also not just a sexual thing, but she also thought about the possibility of actually being with him. The not just being a sexual thing is big part to me. The idea of her lying to me to meet this guy who she wants to be with on some level is more hurtful to me than her making out with him. Some of you may have remembered a thread I made about a sexual deal the 2 of us were discussing, because we view love and sex as not interchangeable. We never did come to an agreement, so what she did broke our currently set boundaries, but as I said, more hurtful is the idea of leaving me, not the action of kissing (or watching a guy jack off.... but still, wtf).
She still says she does not know what she wants to do, though said she would still move down to Cali with me (but on some level it feels like she says this because she knows the timing is so bad that I could be royally screwed). The deceit hurts, but the idea that she even considered leaving me when I will need her most is the most painful. She says she still loves me, but knows she has to figure some of her own shit out. In the mean time, I now have to decide if this is a person I want to stay with. I'm sure many will say "leave the b*tch" or something similar, but when you have loved somebody so much for so many years, that is a lot to throw away after only a month and a half of doubt on her end and only 24 hours of doubt on my end.
Damn my boy. Truth be told, anyway you go with this situation, it'll be hard to deal with.
What part of California are you coming to?(good luck by the way)
I'm going through a similar yet totally different scenario and it's still ongoing.
I struggle every day
Everyday I miss her an think of her.
I love her, but I hate her.
Meh. This is about you.
1. First thigs first. This chick is sketch.
2. Remember there is always 2 sides to every story
3. She is only telling you, what she wants you to know.
4. If she's thinking about cheating on you and has actually started, how long until its a full blown regular thing?(if it's not already?) : remember. Ppl don't start out drug addicts, alcoholics, or fatasses.. There's a start to everything.
5. Why has she changed her mind? Because of the reasons she gave or because she met someone else and Cares for them and realized she doesn't as much for you, especially not when it comes to moving with you and leaving her life behind.
6. Sounds like she's nitpicking my boy. Finding every little reason(that you've been having) in order to not seem like a bad person to you or herselfz
7. That's my 2 cents. I'm only human and I don't know her or you. Especially not as good as you do. It's your life and you make your own decisions.
Idk man. It's personal because I'm going through something so similar.
If you're around my area, we can go have a drink and discuss. (then again, with your surgery, not sure I'd be messing with alcohol.lol)
Anyway. You only live once. You're blessed to be alive. You know better than I do that life is special.
You only get so many days and they should all be special. Keep your head up and work on making yourself happy.
Your happiness is independent of anything and anyone.
Good luck my boy.
ihatetimthomas
04-26-2012, 03:22 PM
Its tough, but she has so many doubts about the relationship, that I dont think it can be fixed. People fall out of love all the time, she is obviously bored or just not content with the relationship. When people are sick of the relationship, they will nitpick and pick out a lot of little things to why the relationship isnt working. Fact is, she just doesn't want to be with you anymore. I know thats tough to hear, but love isnt something that lasts forever for everyone. Even thought you guys have been together for 6 years, she probably has had her doubts for a long time but just has been sticking it out. I think its time for you to move on and start a new life. I know its tough esp when you have given yourself to her and you guys have been so much a part of each others life but this wont end well if you guys try to stick it out. Good luck man, tough spot to be in but you prob are still pretty young and can move on. Start up a new life here in socal, its great here btw.
ihatetimthomas
04-26-2012, 03:26 PM
I disagree with people saying she did more than watch the dude jerk off. Why would she make up such a strange thing.
I also don't think cheating is an absolute dealbreaker. People fvck up from time to time.
My first thought is that she is that her guilt was taking over so she had to tell him something, but she doesn't want to tell him the whole story because it would have looked really bad.
I can agree cheating is not always a deal breaker, in a moment of lust and alcohol, shit can happen. But this all seems premeditated and she is getting emotionally involved with these other people. I think that is too much imo.
Dizzle-2k7
04-26-2012, 03:29 PM
she cheated on u bro. drop her ass ASAP and move to cali where the women come equipped:coleman:
[QUOTE=DukeDelonte13]you gotta break it off with her. She's not dedicated to you. My fianc
I disagree with people saying she did more than watch the dude jerk off. Why would she make up such a strange thing.
I also don't think cheating is an absolute dealbreaker. People fvck up from time to time.
This is where my hesitancy is as well.
This is where my hesitancy is as well.
I'm not going to beg you to break up with someone but i'm telling you as a young man myself in similar situations, you deserve better, life is short but not short to the point you can't restart sometimes. Your GF has now placed on your relationship an element of mistrust - she cheated on you already, waht if you heal slowly? What if you get hurt at some point? Sick? You'll doubt her, she'll know, it will **** things up.
The best thing my friends ever did for me was drag me out to meet new people when i was in my moping over breakup phase. My life became so much better once i realized alone is ok.
From 21 to 27 in a relationship that is now ****ed up and clinging to it makes no sense to me. Almost Engaged means nothing.
I hope for the best, but if you go back and just restart in the same place i don't see why it changes.
Balla_Status
04-26-2012, 04:02 PM
That's why you don't get in a relationship in your 20s. More confusing than teenage years.
DeuceWallaces
04-26-2012, 04:04 PM
That is a naive position to take.
Dude, she let some guy jack off right next to her. She gave the green light on that scenario when it was proposed by him. Not to mention a long laundry list of other bullshit. You obviously don't know what a healthy relationship is. You need to grow up real quick and open your eyes.
That is a naive position to take.
Dude, she let some guy jack off right next to her. She gave the green light on that scenario when it was proposed by him. Not to mention a long laundry list of other bullshit. You obviously don't know what a healthy relationship is. You need to grow up real quick and open your eyes.
I don't get what people forgive. I think me and my wife have a great marriage. We have great kids and a ton of fun. (its not perfect but its better than a lot i see). But i can tell you i don't think either one of us would be like "eh, people **** up" in that situation.
Cheating isn't that easy, you need to put yourself in the situation to cheat, follow through on starting the activity, and continuing through the activity. There are like 20 moments you can just stop. It's not like you are on the toilet with a hard on and the women drops from the air right on it before you realize.
RidonKs
04-26-2012, 04:16 PM
There are like 20 moments you can just stop. It's not like you are on the toilet with a hard on and the women drops from the air right on it before you realize.
:oldlol:
You're about to get a kidney transplant, correct?
I think this is a big extenuating circumstance. When do you move? With the job market the way it is, they will be able to replace you.
I don't think telling future employers that I decided to stay close to my family because I was going to need a support network is going to be held against you. You will think psychologists would know this most of all.
Moving alone to a new city while undergoing a kidney transplant is just going to bring extra stress that you don't need.
I think you need to give that a lot of thought........I don't think the consequences you fear will be that bad. In fact, it's probably better to break it off before you begin rather than say 3 months in.
This needs to be your biggest concern.
In terms of the girlfriend, if she's not going to be there for the bad times, it's probably not the best idea to think of building a life together.
In the best case, she is just freaked out by your health issues and can't deal with it now, but will come around. However she's also seems to have a "grass is always greener on the other side syndrome" and is looking for an "alternate" life to inhabit. But guess what, once you choose that alternate life, you still have to deal with who you are. (I once had a professor confess that she got super depressed after she got her PHD, because she thought so many things would change.) She seems to want a new thing, a new life, a new relationship, all the issues you mention deal freedom.
The worst case is she knows she doesn't want to be with you, never intended to move and wants you to break it off.
Let's look at the list she gives
(1) The dog is I think I big issue. At the least, it indicates how fickle she is or how irresponsible she is and didn't realize what getting a dog would entail. Also it seems the dog loves you more than her and thus it's your dog and not hers.
Shedding? Learn how to groom the dog (get a good dog brush that deals with the undercoat and brush the dog often.) Who gives up on a loving dog after 7 months? Energetic, yes, dogs have a lot of energy and it's the responsibility of the owners to give the dog enough energy and train the dog right. (Watch the Dog Whisperer, it definitely helped with my dog.)
This might be hassles, but they are hassles that people who truly love dogs put up with.
(2) The cleaning issues are things that all couples need to work out. This is something you might fight over, but not something to break up over. If you suck at cleaning, then may you should take responsibility of other chores and contribute that way.
However, she could be seeing it as you being selfish and not making an effort for her, which then turns out to be a symptom of a larger problem. That's on the good side.
On the bad side, she could just be using this as the reason to the start the fight, the fight being about a bigger and scarier issue than cleaning.
.
(3) Your health. She fears this will impact on her freedom
(4) Your school debt. If it's school debt, you didn't get this irresponsibly. Again she fears for her freedom.
(5) Moving to other countries. Also her freedom. Also grass in greener. How can she afford to this? She is willing to sacrifice establishing her career?
I think you need to think about your health first and foremost. Before moving and before resolving your relationship.
I really appreciate this well thought out post. A couple responses:
"I don't think telling future employers that I decided to stay close to my family because I was going to need a support network is going to be held against you. You will think psychologists would know this most of all."
Unfortunately, I really do believe it will f*ck me over if I don't go (keep in mind, I do still have a certain level of excitement for the site itself). The way the application process works is that there is tons of shit you have to fill out online. In addition the expected CV, a full list of client experiences, etc, there is also a bunch of closed answer questions. One of the questions is "have you previously been accepted to an internship that you were unable to complete." There is not a way of explaining in the slot, and because the internship is difficult to land and is overseen by a larger organization, they can't replace me. Whoever their interns are are the only ones they can have until the application process begins again next year. So, everything that I was informed about says that if you end up turning your back on the internship for whatever reason (because sites disregard you before reading why you couldn't complete), your chances of ever completing your doctorate are under 10%. Therefore, not going other than just a 2 month absence is just not a possibility for me.
1) Dog is brushed daily. Bathed weekly. Dog just happens to shed more than any dog I have ever seen. I do agree that her reaction to the dog is immature. I really don't think the dog is much of a hassle. Many of my friends have considered him towards the top of how well a dog behaves. My girlfriend is admittedly more of a cat person and just struggles with the differences between dogs and cats more than she anticipated. I think the reason she pushed for a dog originally is because I am very allergic to cats, so I think she saw a dog as a substitute. One thing that emphasizes how immature her reaction to the dog has been is that she pushed for a dog for a few years before we got our dog.
2) This has probably been the biggest issue in our relationship the whole 5 years we have been living together. I do take care of other chores that she doesn't like (garbage/recycling/dog care/cooking), but the cleaning does take more work. I admit that as far as house chores go, she gets the short end of the stick. However, I don't think this is a huge issue for her in terms of staying with me. She has a history of whenever she gets really upset, it is because of multiple things going wrong at once (like if she is fearing job security while not getting along with her sister and then somebody is rude to her while out, that is when she cries). This pattern fits with her list of things. She is unsure of what to make of our relationship because multiple things are happening at once, and cleaning is just another thing on the list adding to her current issues. In other words, I don't think it is any 1 thing that she listed that she is questioning as "the reason" she is unsure of our future.
3-5) Yes, completely agree. Actually, the dog thing also impacts this idea of freedom for her. She hates the idea that we potentially have to leave early from an event or can't do certain things because we have a dog we have to go home to take care of. Though, even that is mostly the idea of the dog interfering, rarely has the dog really made us change our plans. The only thing that comes to mind that had a big impact for a day was that we were invited to drink and crash at a hotel with some friends for the night, but had to decline because we had a dog at home. For me, having the dog in my life every day is greater than having to give up something like that maybe 2 times a year.
That is a naive position to take.
Dude, she let some guy jack off right next to her. She gave the green light on that scenario when it was proposed by him. Not to mention a long laundry list of other bullshit. You obviously don't know what a healthy relationship is. You need to grow up real quick and open your eyes.
Ironically, I am a couples therapist, lol. Seriously though, I understand that things took an unhealthy turn, I don't deny that. That is not to say that a healthy relationship can't have a moment of unhealthiness and go back to being healthy. That being said, I'm leaning more towards breaking up with her. I just don't want to rush any decisions, so I'm going to give myself the week to figure out what I want to do.
The best thing my friends ever did for me was drag me out to meet new people when i was in my moping over breakup phase. My life became so much better once i realized alone is ok.
My best friend comes back to town beginning of May for a week or 2. His timing couldn't be better. I plan on going out with him quite a bit, giving my girlfriend and I some space to figure ourselves out.
Balla_Status
04-26-2012, 04:24 PM
Drop the psychology mindset for a bit and think logically. You should probably break it off.
Crown&Coke
04-26-2012, 04:25 PM
IMO, you should never get "revenge".. because it suddenly "justifies" the person for treating you badly. "Yeah, I cheated on him.. but look at what he did to me when he found out! He deserved to be cheated on!"
Best advice I've heard on getting "revenge" after a bad break up? Don't talk to the girl anymore. Don't be spiteful or anything.. just don't talk to 'em. Drives 'em nuts for some reason.
And then.. you gotta forgive the girl. She doesn't have to know. But you can't harbor anger or hate in your heart because it harms you in other ways.
whoa, shit. This guy's like the cool Dr. Phil.
This guy is a damn genius, take his advise here.
Sorry to hear your stuff man, there are tons of girls like that, and someone gotta end up with them, just make sure its not you.
You love her, but she is really isn't worth it, but I can say it all I want, you gotta decide if she is or not.
Move to Cali, take the dog, we can be friends.
She might however, just be freaked out by dealing with the possibility of death. She might simply not know how to handle that.
I agree with this as well. It depends on the cirumstances. Sometimes people cheat because they are unhappy. Lots of couples have repaired relationships after one-night stands or brief affairs. If someone cheated and still loves you and still willing to make things work, is way different from they cheated because they were looking to leave you and wanted to find a good thing first.
She is actually terrified of death. She has panic attacks when she thinks about her own mortality. I've also always known that she struggles more with updates on my health than I do.
She does seem open to trying to work things out. She agreed to not see any of the 2 guys or talk to them on the phone anymore. She knows that talking to them again at this moment is an absolute deal breaker.
There is one exception that I just realized a bit ago. We are attending the wedding of a friend this Saturday (just can't wait to see what emotions come up then :rolleyes: ). One of the groomsmen is the guy she kissed (met him once, a real douchebag). Obviously I want things to remain civil because I don't want the special night ruined for our friends (the friends are closer to her, so I've contemplated not going last minute). The guy is also married and has a 2 year old kid, so it will be tough seeing them there and not sharing what I know.
My best friend comes back to town beginning of May for a week or 2. His timing couldn't be better. I plan on going out with him quite a bit, giving my girlfriend and I some space to figure ourselves out.
I am less accepting of things from my partner than you are of yours and mine has been with me 10 years, left her country to be with me, and we have two children together.
You are going to have a good job, seem like a nice guy, an accepting guy, etc. GOOD LUCK! Get yourself someone who if you wrote a paragraph about, it's not about her whacking off a guy and how she mistreats you.
Move to Cali, take the dog, we can be friends.
I've never actually met up with somebody I met on the internet, but I may take you up on that since I'll have nobody else down there that I know. :cheers:
1 - What kind of guy would ask 'can I jack off in your presence?' That sounds more like it's from the brain of a woman who thinks she's hot shit. And within the context of a relationship, a woman who is planting subliminal messages in this poor bastards head. She has a presence?
2 - The story makes it sound like she did right by op. As if she were noble for resisting the creep's advances, and the only way to kill the situation was to let him rub one out. What was she doing while he was jerking off 2 feet away, innocently looking at birds out the window?
I imagine her reaction was a bit like mine when I have gone to strip clubs (which I had approval to do). There is no real touching, but it is still exciting. I personally think the guy is f*cked up in the head from the things I have heard about it. I don't think the appeal of him to her is who he is, but the idea that it was exciting to do something she wasn't supposed to do. I definitely don't think what she did with him was noble. I think she stopped where she did because she wasn't comfortable continuing on in that moment.
It just seems to ridiculous to make up to me. I can't imagine a girl thinking up this lie and being like "yeah, this is good"
Though I also can't imagine a girl being like "yeah sure" when a dude asks to jerk off in front of her:oldlol:
Even my reaction to that part of it is more WTF than anger.
:biggums: :biggums: :biggums: :biggums: :biggums:
4. If she's thinking about cheating on you and has actually started, how long until its a full blown regular thing?(if it's not already?) : remember. Ppl don't start out drug addicts, alcoholics, or fatasses.. There's a start to everything.
I don't want to rule out the possibility that she is just having a psychological meltdown, which can be pretty sudden. Especially considering what I said earlier about her struggling when many things go wrong at once. Getting ready to move plus recent declines in my health while her having to accept leaving the only job she ever loved is a lot. That is enough to throw some people into a manic episode. My girlfriend is not in a manic episode, but I could see some of her reactions being near hypo-manic.
OP just posted that his girlfriend:
1. Pushed him to move to the other side of the country, then told him she doesn't want to go along with him
2. Wants "a year for herself"
3. Despite OP not being able to live independently for that time.
4. Wrote down a list of all the things she hates about OP
5. Wants to get rid of their dog
6. Told him she hates his filth
7. Told him she doesn't want to put up with him being unhealthy
8. Told him she hates that he has no money
9. Told him she doesn't share his ideas in regards to their future
10. Engaged in a sexual activity with this one dude
11. Pursued a serious relationship with an entirely different dude
Sounds like an awesome relationship dude!
OP clearly messing with everybody here.
KevinNYC
04-26-2012, 05:09 PM
She is actually terrified of death. She has panic attacks when she thinks about her own mortality. I've also always known that she struggles more with updates on my health than I do.
She does seem open to trying to work things out. She agreed to not see any of the 2 guys or talk to them on the phone anymore. She knows that talking to them again at this moment is an absolute deal breaker.
This might be a big part of this whole thing. I know from past experience that your partner experiencing panic attacks can be rough.
With regards to any transgressions, the ability to forgive is a big, big deal If not for forgiveness, my marriage could be over.
How old is she? I think a big part of her deal is that is has some fantasy of life over there that is so much better than her own life.
Good luck.
KevinNYC
04-26-2012, 05:14 PM
OP just posted that his girlfriend:
1. Pushed him to move to the other side of the country, then told him she doesn't want to go along with him
2. Wants "a year for herself"
3. Despite OP not being able to live independently for that time.
4. Wrote down a list of all the things she hates about OP
5. Wants to get rid of their dog
6. Told him she hates his filth
7. Told him she doesn't want to put up with him being unhealthy
8. Told him she hates that he has no money
9. Told him she doesn't share his ideas in regards to their future
10. Engaged in a sexual activity with this one dude
11. Pursued a serious relationship with an entirely different dude
Sounds like an awesome relationship dude!
OP clearly messing with everybody here.
Dude, how ****ing old are you? How many long term relationships have you been in?
Good Lord, not only "OP" but white text too. Stick to the kiddie threads.
I don't want to rule out the possibility that she is just having a psychological meltdown, which can be pretty sudden. Especially considering what I said earlier about her struggling when many things go wrong at once. Getting ready to move plus recent declines in my health while her having to accept leaving the only job she ever loved is a lot. That is enough to throw some people into a manic episode. My girlfriend is not in a manic episode, but I could see some of her reactions being near hypo-manic.
Now i am going to be rude. Are you ****ing kidding me? You really want to be in that role? The wife at home making excuses for her husband being a cheating douche?
Seriously, are you trolling us? I KNOW SHE JERKED SOME DUDE OFF, BUT IT MIGHT BE MENTAL ISSUES SO I CANT LEAVE HER.
Now i am going to be rude. Are you ****ing kidding me? You really want to be in that role? The wife at home making excuses for her husband being a cheating douche?
Seriously, are you trolling us? I KNOW SHE JERKED SOME DUDE OFF, BUT IT MIGHT BE MENTAL ISSUES SO I CANT LEAVE HER.
Not trolling, this is the real deal. I truly don't believe that she jerked the guy off, not that the difference to me is that huge between her being in that situation and jacking him or just watching him. But seriously, people hate the idea that she may not want to be around for my health issues, yet it is ok for me to leave if she is? Seriously, if you have ever seen somebody have a manic or hypo-manic episode, they do some crazy shit that goes against their normal morals. I don't think this is what happened to her, but I wouldn't be too shocked based on her history of panic attacks and break downs when multiple things go wrong at once. And yes, I do group mental health and physical health together to some extent.
Abd El-Krim
04-26-2012, 05:35 PM
I imagine her reaction was a bit like mine when I have gone to strip clubs (which I had approval to do). There is no real touching, but it is still exciting. I personally think the guy is f*cked up in the head from the things I have heard about it. I don't think the appeal of him to her is who he is, but the idea that it was exciting to do something she wasn't supposed to do. I definitely don't think what she did with him was noble. I think she stopped where she did because she wasn't comfortable continuing on in that moment.
I'd much sooner take a girl to a strip club than sit in a car with her while her co-worker jerks off...
Dude, how ****ing old are you? How many long term relationships have you been in?
Good Lord, not only "OP" but white text too. Stick to the kiddie threads.
You don't see what the OP is doing here? He did it before with the whole "My girlfriend wants to make a deal with me so she can **** other dudes" thread.
He is just messing around here. But keep on being that mark, you definitely look very mature by calling other people kid and using oh so pretty colours in your post.
I'd much sooner take a girl to a strip club than sit in a car with her while her co-worker jerks off...
Completely agree. Context is everything in this case.
You don't see what the OP is doing here? He did it before with the whole "My girlfriend wants to make a deal with me so she can **** other dudes" thread.
He is just messing around here. But keep on being that mark, you definitely look very mature by calling other people kid and using oh so pretty colours in your post.
No. That was a real thread, and this is a real thread. There are so many elements to this that I have been posting for years (long term gf, kidney disease/transplant, moving to Cali, etc). Do you really think this is a multi-year thought out troll thread? F*ck no, I am posting about shit that actually is happening to me.
Abd El-Krim
04-26-2012, 05:47 PM
Not trolling, this is the real deal. I truly don't believe that she jerked the guy off, not that the difference to me is that huge between her being in that situation and jacking him or just watching him. But seriously, people hate the idea that she may not want to be around for my health issues, yet it is ok for me to leave if she is? Seriously, if you have ever seen somebody have a manic or hypo-manic episode, they do some crazy shit that goes against their normal morals. I don't think this is what happened to her, but I wouldn't be too shocked based on her history of panic attacks and break downs when multiple things go wrong at once. And yes, I do group mental health and physical health together to some extent.
My aforementioned girlfriend of 3 years was bipolar and I used it to rationalize a lot of things she was doing. I'd seen her in legit periods of mania - bailing out of a moving vehicle, jumping into a lake behind a hotel in freezing weather, putting a cigarette out on her arm, it's a disturbing list and she sure as shit wasn't able to have a rational discussion about anything in those times. As somebody in the field I'm sure you've heard all kinds of ****ed up descriptions about what people do during manic episodes. Is stepping out on you really in that league just because she's gotten panic attacks in the past?
KevinNYC
04-26-2012, 05:48 PM
You don't see what the OP is doing here? He did it before with the whole "My girlfriend wants to make a deal with me so she can **** other dudes" thread.
He is just messing around here. But keep on being that mark, you definitely look very mature by calling other people kid and using oh so pretty colours in your post.
Again.
How old are you?
How many long term relationships have you been in in your life?
My aforementioned girlfriend of 3 years was bipolar and I used it to rationalize a lot of things she was doing. I'd seen her in legit periods of mania - bailing out of a moving vehicle, jumping into a lake behind a hotel in freezing weather, putting a cigarette out on her arm, it's a disturbing list and she sure as shit wasn't able to have a rational discussion about anything in those times. As somebody in the field I'm sure you've heard all kinds of ****ed up descriptions about what people do during manic episodes. Is stepping out on you really in that league just because she's gotten panic attacks in the past?
Its not so much the panic attacks that lead me to this possibility, but the idea that she is out doing things she previously wouldn't have considered while the timing is the same as shit I could have previously anticipated driving her bonkers. I don't think it is a mental health issue though. More of a phase of life problem.
LockoutOver11
04-26-2012, 05:56 PM
idk much, but Im guessing ur young
so
health > love
take care and thanks for sharing.
Not trolling, this is the real deal. I truly don't believe that she jerked the guy off, not that the difference to me is that huge between her being in that situation and jacking him or just watching him. But seriously, people hate the idea that she may not want to be around for my health issues, yet it is ok for me to leave if she is? Seriously, if you have ever seen somebody have a manic or hypo-manic episode, they do some crazy shit that goes against their normal morals. I don't think this is what happened to her, but I wouldn't be too shocked based on her history of panic attacks and break downs when multiple things go wrong at once. And yes, I do group mental health and physical health together to some extent.
No, its not ok for you to leave. Its ok for her to leave if you are hurt, or stay and **** other guys. But its not ok for you.
:facepalm You're talking like a total *****.
No. That was a real thread, and this is a real thread. There are so many elements to this that I have been posting for years (long term gf, kidney disease/transplant, moving to Cali, etc). Do you really think this is a multi-year thought out troll thread? F*ck no, I am posting about shit that actually is happening to me.
Who says everything about your online persona is a lie? Not me.
But you knew with the way you presented the situation in the OP how almost everyone on this thread was going to react. So what are you trying to get out of this thread? That's what I mean, you are just messing around. And I feel sorry for all the idiots who are taking this too seriously.
No, its not ok for you to leave. Its ok for her to leave if you are hurt, or stay and **** other guys. But its not ok for you.
:facepalm You're talking like a total *****.
I think you are not getting my point. My point is that if somebody loses control of themselves due to mental illness, there is not much blame you can put on that person. But I don't think that is what is happening, therefore whether I stay or go is going to come down to what is going on for me, not what is going on for her.
LA_Showtime
04-26-2012, 06:03 PM
I thought you were the guy who said sleeping with other people was okay because your relationship with your woman is about more than raw sexual magnetism. Am I thinking of someone else?
Who says everything about your online persona is a lie? Not me.
But you knew with the way you presented the situation in the OP how almost everyone on this thread was going to react. So what are you trying to get out of this thread? That's what I mean, you are just messing around. And I feel sorry for all the idiots who are taking this too seriously.
I said in the very first line that the main point of this thread was for me to write it so I can get clarity of my own thoughts. People replying and giving feedback is just bonus.
Again.
How old are you?
How many long term relationships have you been in in your life?
This isn't interview LJJ hour, kiddo. Go ask JEFFERSON MONEY if you really must know, he knows.
I think you are not getting my point. My point is that if somebody loses control of themselves due to mental illness, there is not much blame you can put on that person. But I don't think that is what is happening, therefore whether I stay or go is going to come down to what is going on for me, not what is going on for her.
i dont think you are getting my point. that you are making excuses for her like a housewife who says "that time he cheated was the only time, this time his secretary really was choking adn that's why he had to strip her naked."
You don't see what the OP is doing here? He did it before with the whole "My girlfriend wants to make a deal with me so she can **** other dudes" thread.
He is just messing around here. But keep on being that mark, you definitely look very mature by calling other people kid and using oh so pretty colours in your post.
Wait, that was him? Dipshit.
Either your trolling us or your girl so badly wants other dick she is creating cheating situations.
I thought you were the guy who said sleeping with other people was okay because your relationship with your woman is about more than raw sexual magnetism. Am I thinking of someone else?
Not my exact words, but yes, that was me. I've even stated multiple times in this thread that I would have less problem with her f*cking a guy but still being dedicated to me. My biggest hangup is that she no longer shows the same dedication in terms of considering leaving me when I will need her most. However, what is happening now does indicate to me that she may not have been able to follow through with her end of the deal if we had come to such an agreement.
i dont think you are getting my point. that you are making excuses for her like a housewife who says "that time he cheated was the only time, this time his secretary really was choking adn that's why he had to strip her naked."
The part you were quoting was me talking hypothetically, because I don't believe she had a manic episode. I'm not excusing her for shit. I'm trying to figure out if I can move forward with her, not say that what she did was ok.
LA_Showtime
04-26-2012, 06:10 PM
Break up with her. Chances are she's immature or doesn't take your relationship seriously. I guess there's a chance she could see the light, but will you ever be able to forgive her? Doubtful. *Experience cheating and being cheated on, mostly in high school.* :oldlol:
I guess there's a chance she could see the light, but will you ever be able to forgive her? Doubtful.
I agree it is doubtful, but not impossible. After nearly 6 years, I figured I owe it to myself to wait at least a few days to a week to figure out if I want to take my chances moving forward with her. And I do acknowledge that things are a slim chance of working out, but I'm going to wait just a bit longer to see where things are going.
LA_Showtime
04-26-2012, 06:19 PM
I agree it is doubtful, but not impossible. After nearly 6 years, I figured I owe it to myself to wait at least a few days to a week to figure out if I want to take my chances moving forward with her. And I do acknowledge that things are a slim chance of working out, but I'm going to wait just a bit longer to see where things are going.
Good choice. Going off of experience, I tried to do that sort of thing, but I left me really bitter by the end of things. You don't consciously throw that in their face, but it's only human to think about it whenever they piss you off. Good luck.
IcanzIIravor
04-26-2012, 07:15 PM
I agree it is doubtful, but not impossible. After nearly 6 years, I figured I owe it to myself to wait at least a few days to a week to figure out if I want to take my chances moving forward with her. And I do acknowledge that things are a slim chance of working out, but I'm going to wait just a bit longer to see where things are going.
Your biggest problem is you have melded your work with your own relationship. You're analyzing, setting aside a stark assessment of the relationship and her antics, trying to find any means to preserve what was.
What advice would you give a buddy or family member if they had this type of relationship? You mentioned earlier you could have a similar need for a kidney at a later date as well and her fear of mortality. Well seems to be your health problems will always freak her out and cause her to react by turning to someone else healthier in body to feel good about her self. If anything that will only get worse in time as she doesn't strike me as someone who sees an issue with her own selfishness in the face of your adversity as a couple. My guess is you know you need to let her go, but she has become your world these last six years and it's a terrifying thought to not have her in your life.
Your biggest problem is you have melded your work with your own relationship. You're analyzing, setting aside a stark assessment of the relationship and her antics, trying to find any means to preserve what was.
What advice would you give a buddy or family member if they had this type of relationship? You mentioned earlier you could have a similar need for a kidney at a later date as well and her fear of mortality. Well seems to be your health problems will always freak her out and cause her to react by turning to someone else healthier in body to feel good about her self. If anything that will only get worse in time as she doesn't strike me as someone who sees an issue with her own selfishness in the face of your adversity as a couple. My guess is you know you need to let her go, but she has become your world these last six years and it's a terrifying thought to not have her in your life.
Definitely lots of truth to this. With a buddy, I'd probably tell them that my hunch is to move on without her, but I would also insist that it it their choice. In fact, that is exactly what my buddy told me (who tends to think a lot like I do). I'm waiting to get a hold of my other closest friend who will more likely have a very different perspective than me.
Probably won't reply for a few more hours. My girlfriend will be home in the next 20-30 minutes and I'm planning on being out of the home giving us both some space.
Definitely lots of truth to this. With a buddy, I'd probably tell them that my hunch is to move on without her, but I would also insist that it it their choice. In fact, that is exactly what my buddy told me (who tends to think a lot like I do). I'm waiting to get a hold of my other closest friend who will more likely have a very different perspective than me.
Probably won't reply for a few more hours. My girlfriend will be home in the next 20-30 minutes and I'm planning on being out of the home giving us both some space.
It will give her freedom just in case some dude needs to be whacked off.
Maga_1
04-26-2012, 10:39 PM
First of all, this is seriously one if not the most "serious and racional" thread i've ever read in ISH. People are trully trying to help you and not make fun of you and there is plenty of good points by many people.
Like most of us think, your should really put your health first. I know it's a complicated situation, but i believe you can deal with this transplant in a better way than you are thinking.
I'm not going to judge you, never been in one of those situations but without any help it will be very difficult to get back on your daily routine in a new city after a surgery like you'll have.
About the girl.
I understand your doubts, it's a long relationship and getting enganged it's some serious stuff already but you have to leave it.
Even without her doing "that things", all the situations were extremely awkward and not just a simple "i'm curious about this guy".
She's doing all this stuff in a very important moment in your life, and if you can't trust her now ... there is no way you can be with her "for the good and the bad until the rest of your life".
But hey, keep your head up my brother Blazer.
I like the very mature, compreehensive and calm way you are dealing with this. Shows a lot of respect.
(Ohh one thing that i can propose to solve this, it's giving her this time. Until you get well after the surgery. If after that she didn't do anything and keep her compusure i would give a try, to reconnect with her).
DukeDelonte13
04-26-2012, 11:00 PM
OP seems to know the right thing to do is to dump her but is trying to come up with every excuse not to. Maybe OP likes the abuse?
QUIZZLE
04-26-2012, 11:35 PM
OP seems to know the right thing to do is to dump her but is trying to come up with every excuse not to. Maybe OP likes the abuse?
A girl can shit on your mothers chest but if you've been with her for so long sometimes it's so easy to forgive them for shit you wouldn't if the relationship was something like five months, per se.
KevinNYC
04-26-2012, 11:59 PM
:oldlol:
That's different though I think. You already had her shirt off and shit. From what myth said it sounds like they were driving around and she rejected him so then dude just jerked off while she sat there and busted on his steering wheel or some shit:oldlol:
My take on this is she fooled around with him for a bit (perhaps just kissing, perhaps more) , but then felt guilty and backed off.
I suspect it's a bit more. I suspect she probably had her hand on him before she stopped.
So after finally having a full 24 hours to think on this, I'm all but decided that I will break up with her. I wanted to give myself some time to think it over, and it has required less time than I anticipated. My brother and his girlfriend are coming to my apartment tomorrow and are spending a few days over (they are both driving from different directions and my place is in the middle), so I'm just going to play along a few days just so that it is not super awkward for my guests. When they leave on Sunday, that is most likely when I will break things off.
Real tough.
IcanzIIravor
04-27-2012, 05:30 AM
So after finally having a full 24 hours to think on this, I'm all but decided that I will break up with her. I wanted to give myself some time to think it over, and it has required less time than I anticipated. My brother and his girlfriend are coming to my apartment tomorrow and are spending a few days over (they are both driving from different directions and my place is in the middle), so I'm just going to play along a few days just so that it is not super awkward for my guests. When they leave on Sunday, that is most likely when I will break things off.
Real tough.
It's tough, but you have to focus on getting right and getting healthy. You can't do that if you have to wonder when she will break it off and go. It's going to be tough in the first few days and weeks, but it will get better. She obviously wasn't ready for a commitment in the way you are ready.
I'm actually feeling pretty good about my decision right now. I'm sure it will hit home again when I move out and know that I actually won't be seeing the person I have spent nearly every day of nearly 6 years with. But knowing what I want to do has settled a lot of my jumbled thoughts.
LA_Showtime
04-27-2012, 08:33 AM
So after finally having a full 24 hours to think on this, I'm all but decided that I will break up with her. I wanted to give myself some time to think it over, and it has required less time than I anticipated. My brother and his girlfriend are coming to my apartment tomorrow and are spending a few days over (they are both driving from different directions and my place is in the middle), so I'm just going to play along a few days just so that it is not super awkward for my guests. When they leave on Sunday, that is most likely when I will break things off.
Real tough.
Sounds good. Break it before it breaks you.
rufuspaul
04-27-2012, 09:23 AM
I'm actually feeling pretty good about my decision right now. I'm sure it will hit home again when I move out and know that I actually won't be seeing the person I have spent nearly every day of nearly 6 years with. But knowing what I want to do has settled a lot of my jumbled thoughts.
You're doing the right thing. Best of luck. :cheers:
Eat Like A Bosh
04-27-2012, 11:43 PM
I'm writing this in hopes of sorting out my own thoughts. I'm sure I will get a decent amount of immature posts (of which I will not be responding because it is a sensitive issue for me), but I appreciate those with serious comments and thoughts. I'm processing something that is bigger than I've ever had to think about before. About 48 hours ago, my girlfriend of nearly 6 years dropped something on me. I stewed on it for about 24 hours, and when I confronted her about the feelings I was having, an even bigger bombshell was dropped on me.
As many of you may know based on past posts, I have a few big changes coming my way. One is that I am moving to southern California in the summer (July is the plan). The other is that I am on a kidney transplant list, expecting to get the call any time, and am scheduled for dialysis if I don't have it by next month. My girlfriend and I have planned on getting married, and would have already been married if it weren't for health insurance screwing things up (if I get married in my current situation, I lose my insurance, this country is really f*cked up).
Well now, my girlfriend wants to stay in Oregon during that year so that she can "figure out" her own life. She initially phrased it as she wants to keep her job, but she suggested that even if her contract isn't renewed (she is a teacher and at the bottom of the seniority list with budget cuts coming, so a strong possibility), it isn't a given that she would come with me. In a lot of situations, I would be cool with that and try the long distance thing. However, she really pushed for California and that was a big consideration of where I would go. If I knew I was going alone, I certainly would have pushed more for Washington where I would have been a reasonable drive to my brother's and a long drive to my parents'. I feel a bit like I was coaxed into moving far away from everybody I knew, and then abandoned. Not only does that suck in general, but put on top of that the fact that I will be going through a lot of medical changes soon. I will be having a transplant and will not be allowed to do a lot of simple things like grocery shopping because of limits of how much weight I will be allowed to carry. If I can't carry my own groceries during recovery, I'm going to have to go through the pain of either ordering food all the time, having to pay for somebody to get my groceries, or have my mother quit her job (also a teacher) to fly to California as well to take care of me. Not to mention, it would be nice for peace of mind to have somebody there with me to make sure I don't have serious complications with the transplant, as well any emotional support that may be necessary as I recover. I don't know all the specifics of how it will be challenging to recover post transplant while living in an area where you know nobody, but I'm sure it isn't great. My initial reaction is, "How can I plan on staying with somebody who abandons me when I need them most?"
I probed into what she needs to figure out, and discovered what some of her doubts are. She gave me a small list of things that are not perfect in our relationship. (1) She wants to get rid of our dog that we got 7 months ago. She pushed for the dog, I eventually agreed. Now, I love that dog and she wants to get rid of it because it annoys her (he can be very energetic and he sheds a lot, but otherwise a super loving and obedient dog). (2) She hates that I am not the most clean person. This admittedly is my biggest flaw. I don't do laundry often and have 2 large overflowing laundry baskets of dirty clothes (I have lots of clothes, so I do laundry only about once a month). I'm also not as quick to do dishes or vacuum as much as I should (especially considering our dog sheds a lot). (3) She fears that my health will become a burden. Which it will in moments, but after I recover from my transplant, there is no reason I can't remain healthy another 20 years before having to go through it again. (4) She fears my debt. I have a lot of student loans because of finishing my doctorate in psychology. (5) She fears I won't want to quit jobs randomly to move to another country for another year here and there. My future job is likely to have summers off, so I'd be willing to go somewhere during that time, but she is right that I won't sacrifice my career to bounce from country to country. Though, I am willing to let her go off to another country here and there on her own or with a friend as long as it is not when I am ill and need her with me.
To make matters worse, she cheated on me. Now, this may sound extreme to a lot of people, but cheating can have a different affects on different people depending on circumstances. She said that she had never cheated on me until the last month and a half. She had been talking to this guy she knew through work on the phone fairly frequently. They apparently went for a drive and he pressured her do fool around with him. She said no, and he asked if he could just jerk off in her presence and she said yes...
:biggums:
...so that happened. She said that she has thought about leaving me to be with him, and it was a little more than just fantasizing about being with somebody else. She also said that this opened the door for her to the possibility of being with somebody other than me, because she had never seriously considered such a thing until recently. She then snuck out to meet with another guy (she told me she was meeting a friend, so blatantly lied to me). They spent a bit of time with each other at a park, then made out in his car for a bit. She told me this was also not just a sexual thing, but she also thought about the possibility of actually being with him. The not just being a sexual thing is big part to me. The idea of her lying to me to meet this guy who she wants to be with on some level is more hurtful to me than her making out with him. Some of you may have remembered a thread I made about a sexual deal the 2 of us were discussing, because we view love and sex as not interchangeable. We never did come to an agreement, so what she did broke our currently set boundaries, but as I said, more hurtful is the idea of leaving me, not the action of kissing (or watching a guy jack off.... but still, wtf).
She still says she does not know what she wants to do, though said she would still move down to Cali with me (but on some level it feels like she says this because she knows the timing is so bad that I could be royally screwed). The deceit hurts, but the idea that she even considered leaving me when I will need her most is the most painful. She says she still loves me, but knows she has to figure some of her own shit out. In the mean time, I now have to decide if this is a person I want to stay with. I'm sure many will say "leave the b*tch" or something similar, but when you have loved somebody so much for so many years, that is a lot to throw away after only a month and a half of doubt on her end and only 24 hours of doubt on my end.
So she CHEATED on you, LIED to you, and likely isn't even telling the whole story in that lie. What kind of situation is " I let that guy just jerk off in front of me"?
You did mention a Kidney Transplant. Bingo, that's one of the times that puts your relationship to the test. When all the chips have fallen, will she still be there for you? Judging by what she's doing or wants to do, she obviously is looking for greener pastures. As for the list of things of why she thinks the relationship isn't working out, I have a feeling that most of it is minor, and just an excuse to leave you. Is that the type of person you want to spend the rest of your life with?
By your tone, I'm pretty sure deep down you already know what to do. Your head wants you to dump her. But somehow your heart is telling you no. You are figuring out every excuse from the top of your head to not breakup with her. I think the answer is pretty obvious on what to do. It's time to move on. Do what you want to do with your life, and cut your ties completely.
Good luck.
So she CHEATED on you, LIED to you, and likely isn't even telling the whole story in that lie. What kind of situation is " I let that guy just jerk off in front of me"?
You did mention a Kidney Transplant. Bingo, that's one of the times that puts your relationship to the test. When all the chips have fallen, will she still be there for you? Judging by what she's doing or wants to do, she obviously is looking for greener pastures. As for the list of things of why she thinks the relationship isn't working out, I have a feeling that most of it is minor, and just an excuse to leave you. Is that the type of person you want to spend the rest of your life with?
By your tone, I'm pretty sure deep down you already know what to do. Your head wants you to dump her. But somehow your heart is telling you no. You are figuring out every excuse from the top of your head to not breakup with her. I think the answer is pretty obvious on what to do. It's time to move on. Do what you want to do with your life, and cut your ties completely.
Good luck.
I appreciate the thoughts. I already decided to break up with her. I'm holding off until Sunday, because my brother and his girlfriend arrive in about an hour and will be staying with us till Sunday afternoon. I didn't feel like breaking up with my girlfriend while they are here or right before making it a supremely awkward stay for them. I'll probably inform them of my plans tomorrow while my gf is at a wedding (I was originally expected to attend, but I'm not going because the guy she made out with is the best man and I don't want to be in the same room as that guy).
J.101
04-28-2012, 07:20 AM
Best of luck mate, hope things work out for you. It was a pretty messy situation but I think breaking it off was the right thing to do.
:applause:
Loneshot
04-28-2012, 07:47 AM
I think you are making the right decision. I've recently gone through some things that made my gf question her trust in me, nothing as large as cheating, but i was dishonest about something; but in your case, it seems this person is terribly selfish. I can't imagine what universe she lives in where you love someone yet abandon them at every chance. You have a lot on your plate and don't need to be catering to someone who doesn't seem to care that you could potentially be on your death bed.
I do feel terribly bad that you two were together so long and that it has come to this. You must feel crushed/scared/relieved all at the same time. I don't envy you but really hope for the best for you.
nathanjizzle
04-28-2012, 08:38 AM
I'm writing this in hopes of sorting out my own thoughts. I'm sure I will get a decent amount of immature posts (of which I will not be responding because it is a sensitive issue for me), but I appreciate those with serious comments and thoughts. I'm processing something that is bigger than I've ever had to think about before. About 48 hours ago, my girlfriend of nearly 6 years dropped something on me. I stewed on it for about 24 hours, and when I confronted her about the feelings I was having, an even bigger bombshell was dropped on me.
As many of you may know based on past posts, I have a few big changes coming my way. One is that I am moving to southern California in the summer (July is the plan). The other is that I am on a kidney transplant list, expecting to get the call any time, and am scheduled for dialysis if I don't have it by next month. My girlfriend and I have planned on getting married, and would have already been married if it weren't for health insurance screwing things up (if I get married in my current situation, I lose my insurance, this country is really f*cked up).
Well now, my girlfriend wants to stay in Oregon during that year so that she can "figure out" her own life. She initially phrased it as she wants to keep her job, but she suggested that even if her contract isn't renewed (she is a teacher and at the bottom of the seniority list with budget cuts coming, so a strong possibility), it isn't a given that she would come with me. In a lot of situations, I would be cool with that and try the long distance thing. However, she really pushed for California and that was a big consideration of where I would go. If I knew I was going alone, I certainly would have pushed more for Washington where I would have been a reasonable drive to my brother's and a long drive to my parents'. I feel a bit like I was coaxed into moving far away from everybody I knew, and then abandoned. Not only does that suck in general, but put on top of that the fact that I will be going through a lot of medical changes soon. I will be having a transplant and will not be allowed to do a lot of simple things like grocery shopping because of limits of how much weight I will be allowed to carry. If I can't carry my own groceries during recovery, I'm going to have to go through the pain of either ordering food all the time, having to pay for somebody to get my groceries, or have my mother quit her job (also a teacher) to fly to California as well to take care of me. Not to mention, it would be nice for peace of mind to have somebody there with me to make sure I don't have serious complications with the transplant, as well any emotional support that may be necessary as I recover. I don't know all the specifics of how it will be challenging to recover post transplant while living in an area where you know nobody, but I'm sure it isn't great. My initial reaction is, "How can I plan on staying with somebody who abandons me when I need them most?"
I probed into what she needs to figure out, and discovered what some of her doubts are. She gave me a small list of things that are not perfect in our relationship. (1) She wants to get rid of our dog that we got 7 months ago. She pushed for the dog, I eventually agreed. Now, I love that dog and she wants to get rid of it because it annoys her (he can be very energetic and he sheds a lot, but otherwise a super loving and obedient dog). (2) She hates that I am not the most clean person. This admittedly is my biggest flaw. I don't do laundry often and have 2 large overflowing laundry baskets of dirty clothes (I have lots of clothes, so I do laundry only about once a month). I'm also not as quick to do dishes or vacuum as much as I should (especially considering our dog sheds a lot). (3) She fears that my health will become a burden. Which it will in moments, but after I recover from my transplant, there is no reason I can't remain healthy another 20 years before having to go through it again. (4) She fears my debt. I have a lot of student loans because of finishing my doctorate in psychology. (5) She fears I won't want to quit jobs randomly to move to another country for another year here and there. My future job is likely to have summers off, so I'd be willing to go somewhere during that time, but she is right that I won't sacrifice my career to bounce from country to country. Though, I am willing to let her go off to another country here and there on her own or with a friend as long as it is not when I am ill and need her with me.
To make matters worse, she cheated on me. Now, this may sound extreme to a lot of people, but cheating can have a different affects on different people depending on circumstances. She said that she had never cheated on me until the last month and a half. She had been talking to this guy she knew through work on the phone fairly frequently. They apparently went for a drive and he pressured her do fool around with him. She said no, and he asked if he could just jerk off in her presence and she said yes...
:biggums:
...so that happened. She said that she has thought about leaving me to be with him, and it was a little more than just fantasizing about being with somebody else. She also said that this opened the door for her to the possibility of being with somebody other than me, because she had never seriously considered such a thing until recently. She then snuck out to meet with another guy (she told me she was meeting a friend, so blatantly lied to me). They spent a bit of time with each other at a park, then made out in his car for a bit. She told me this was also not just a sexual thing, but she also thought about the possibility of actually being with him. The not just being a sexual thing is big part to me. The idea of her lying to me to meet this guy who she wants to be with on some level is more hurtful to me than her making out with him. Some of you may have remembered a thread I made about a sexual deal the 2 of us were discussing, because we view love and sex as not interchangeable. We never did come to an agreement, so what she did broke our currently set boundaries, but as I said, more hurtful is the idea of leaving me, not the action of kissing (or watching a guy jack off.... but still, wtf).
She still says she does not know what she wants to do, though said she would still move down to Cali with me (but on some level it feels like she says this because she knows the timing is so bad that I could be royally screwed). The deceit hurts, but the idea that she even considered leaving me when I will need her most is the most painful. She says she still loves me, but knows she has to figure some of her own shit out. In the mean time, I now have to decide if this is a person I want to stay with. I'm sure many will say "leave the b*tch" or something similar, but when you have loved somebody so much for so many years, that is a lot to throw away after only a month and a half of doubt on her end and only 24 hours of doubt on my end.
i could of told you myself that she was cheating on you even before you mentioned it.
leave her, shes trying to abandon you in everyday. Its either leave her now and have your dignity, or wait it out untill she eventually leaves you for someone else and youll have nothing. move to cali and start a new life and become independent of her. you will be a better person for it and not have to relay on someone else.
nathanjizzle
04-28-2012, 09:01 AM
So after finally having a full 24 hours to think on this, I'm all but decided that I will break up with her. I wanted to give myself some time to think it over, and it has required less time than I anticipated. My brother and his girlfriend are coming to my apartment tomorrow and are spending a few days over (they are both driving from different directions and my place is in the middle), so I'm just going to play along a few days just so that it is not super awkward for my guests. When they leave on Sunday, that is most likely when I will break things off.
Real tough.
:banana:
RidonKs
04-28-2012, 09:04 AM
good on you man, i think you can see quite plainly from the responses in this thread that you're making the right decision. hell i think the issues with flip flopping on your move and getting so shook by your health problems are enough to really consider calling it quits... but with the cheating fireworks and a few other things, this is a no-brainer. you won't have a problem finding somebody who comes through in all the ways that she doesn't.
LA_Showtime
04-28-2012, 12:53 PM
Now that we've handed out the good advice and he's decided to dump her ass, I think it's only fair that we demand to see a picture of said broad.
i could of told you myself that she was cheating on you even before you mentioned it.
How would you have come to that conclusion? She didn't do anything different in the last month when she was cheating than she had the whole rest of the time we were dating.
Now that we've handed out the good advice and he's decided to dump her ass, I think it's only fair that we demand to see a picture of said broad.
Sorry, I don't post pictures of anybody I know out of respect to them, even if they potentially don't deserve that respect.
LA_Showtime
04-28-2012, 03:41 PM
Sorry, I don't post pictures of anybody I know out of respect to them, even if they potentially don't deserve that respect.
She's a fatty, isn't she?:oldlol:
She's a fatty, isn't she?:oldlol:
lol, no. She runs about 25 miles per week. She is easily in better shape than I am right now (I tricked her by meeting her when I was still a collegiate sprinter before retiring from competitive running and gaining 40 pounds :lol Though now I am at least back down to 15-20 pounds over my running weight).
Eat Like A Bosh
04-29-2012, 11:16 PM
Now that we've handed out the good advice and he's decided to dump her ass, I think it's only fair that we demand to see a picture of said broad.
This. :cheers:
After what she did, I don't see how you could have any respect for her.
This. :cheers:
After what she did, I don't see how you could have any respect for her.
I don't sink to other peoples' level. Just because she did some horribly disrespectful things, doesn't mean I'm going to start being disrespectful too.
drallafi
04-30-2012, 01:11 AM
Damn man sorry to hear all this.
As others have said, she's not the one for you.
For whatever reason, she got bored in the relationship and is seeking happiness elsewhere. I hope you don't really believe that she just sat there and watched while another dude jerked off in front of her. Just stop and think of how awkward that would be if that were the case. She was either turned on by it (in which case she hopped on the dick) or she was disgusted by it (in which case she would have left).
Anyway, you probably won't leave her, but you should.
Good luck either way man.
Broke up with her about 2 and a half hours ago. Feeling real good about my decision. Hopefully tonight I will sleep better than I have any other day of the rest of the week.
Kobe 4 The Win
04-30-2012, 05:02 AM
Peace be with you Broseph.
macmac
04-30-2012, 05:20 AM
Broke up with her about 2 and a half hours ago. Feeling real good about my decision. Hopefully tonight I will sleep better than I have any other day of the rest of the week.
How did she take it?
The Ownage
04-30-2012, 09:01 AM
Broke up with her about 2 and a half hours ago. Feeling real good about my decision. Hopefully tonight I will sleep better than I have any other day of the rest of the week.
:party:
You made the right decision. You might feel like shit for a little while but later on overall you'll know that the right decision was made. :cheers:
IcanzIIravor
04-30-2012, 09:38 AM
Broke up with her about 2 and a half hours ago. Feeling real good about my decision. Hopefully tonight I will sleep better than I have any other day of the rest of the week.
:cheers:
Broke up with her about 2 and a half hours ago. Feeling real good about my decision. Hopefully tonight I will sleep better than I have any other day of the rest of the week.
No, you are going to have some shitty days ahead. But it passes...
nathanjizzle
04-30-2012, 10:05 AM
How would you have come to that conclusion? She didn't do anything different in the last month when she was cheating than she had the whole rest of the time we were dating.
ohyea? what reason would she go from "yea lets go to california please please please" to "im not going to go i need some time to figure things out"
nathanjizzle
04-30-2012, 10:09 AM
when are you going to california
kNIOKAS
04-30-2012, 10:49 AM
Broke up with her about 2 and a half hours ago. Feeling real good about my decision. Hopefully tonight I will sleep better than I have any other day of the rest of the week.
Congrats! :cheers:
Now you have us, ISH family having weight over your life. That's a step ahead! We would never leave you, or let somebody to jack in front of us.
Nah but with all seriousness, you're da man.
How did she take it?
Reasonably well. She cried but we were able to keep open communication flowing. Because we have lived together for so long, there are lots of logistics to figure out (including what belongs to who, because much of our stuff is jointly owned now). We have a few months left on our lease, so we talked about how we can keep a respectful roommate relationship until we go our separate ways for good.
ohyea? what reason would she go from "yea lets go to california please please please" to "im not going to go i need some time to figure things out"
Oh, I thought you meant that you could have told me she was cheating before she expressed doubt about going to Cali. She cheated on me weeks before she ever told me she may not want to go to California. Yeah, the moment she told me she had doubts about California, my gut told me there was something bigger going on.
when are you going to california
July is the plan (mid-July?). That could be offset a bit if I have my transplant right before then.
CeltsGarlic
04-30-2012, 03:39 PM
Broke up with her about 2 and a half hours ago. Feeling real good about my decision. Hopefully tonight I will sleep better than I have any other day of the rest of the week.
Finally! :cheers:
rufuspaul
04-30-2012, 03:57 PM
I'm glad ISH contributed to the breakup of a RL relationship.
Doctor K
04-30-2012, 04:04 PM
its gonna be hard to get over ur break-up after sooo long. i reccomend a few drugs to help you out. they make u feel better
Finally! :cheers:
It only took so long because I had guests over and then she was gone for a couple days for a wedding I skipped out on. I made the decision Thursday night and would have done it then if it weren't for those reasons.
I'm glad ISH contributed to the breakup of a RL relationship.
Lol. I thank all of you for the support and input, but really my two closest friends were the ones that helped the most through this situation. I'm not pathetic enough to completely rely on a message forum :lol
Relapse in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...
:lol
rufuspaul
04-30-2012, 09:49 PM
Leave your wife.
Well, if ISH tells me, I must follow through.
Well, if ISH tells me, I must follow through.
That's not interesting. Get another wife, and live together.
Update on my situation. Move out date is June 17th, and that date couldn't come sooner.
95% of the time that we are home at the same time (which really isn't a lot these days), we are getting along well enough. But there have been a few things lately that have been pissing me off. First, I had surgery last week to have a peritoneal catheter put into my abdomen. For those of you who know, when you have surgery on your stomach, it makes you pretty immobile as you recover and any movement that even slightly flexes your abs (which is just about everything) hurts like a b*tch. Well, she seems oblivious that I can't do certain things that I would normally help out with (like take out the trash). When I remind her that I am recovering from surgery and would like to avoid lifting shit, she somewhat seems to understand, but also seems somewhat frustrated with me. Other things in general she seems to get upset quicker than she used to, and my reaction is "Seriously? You are going to be upset with me about that? What gives you the right to be so upset about something so stupid after the horrible shit you did to me?" Most of the things are things like that where she is not deliberately being a b*tch to me, but I recently discovered the first thing that seems blatant. She did some grocery shopping (which we had still been sharing food) and spent $125 on food and asked me to pay for half. I noticed she had bought Soy milk (which she knows I don't drink) and didn't buy regular milk, which she had finished off the last one that I bought. I asked her about it and she said she simply forgot. Ok, cool, it happens.... is my initial reaction. She left later in the day and I went to look for food to eat.... nothing. She had spent $125 on food that she absolutely knows I would not touch, and wanted me to pay for half. Because I can't carry large amounts of groceries right now, I had to have my mom do my shopping for me. The first deliberate b*tch move had been made.
Sorry, just venting. Can't wait to move.
RoseCity07
05-23-2012, 03:39 AM
I know you can't change the way you feel but she sounds pretty messed up. The whole cheating thing really is unacceptable. I don't think you should tolerate that at all. I'm just going to leave it at that.
I know you can't change the way you feel but she sounds pretty messed up. The whole cheating thing really is unacceptable. I don't think you should tolerate that at all. I'm just going to leave it at that.
Oh, don't worry, the way I feel has definitely changed. A part of me still loves her, but I'm definitely not "in love" with her anymore. I haven't even been sad for weeks, because I'm simply ready to move on. Now I have slowly (just over the last week or so) started viewing her as "the inconsiderate roommate."
RoseCity07
05-23-2012, 03:53 AM
Oh, don't worry, the way I feel has definitely changed. A part of me still loves her, but I'm definitely not "in love" with her anymore. I haven't even been sad for weeks, because I'm simply ready to move on. Now I have slowly (just over the last week or so) started viewing her as "the inconsiderate roommate."
That's good. My friends current GF has dumped him multiple times in the last year. She wants her ex husband back and even cheated with him while they were going out. Yet every time she dumps him he runs back when she calls again. Just be glad that isn't you. It really is a hopeless cycle.
This post made me think of this song lol: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Hh--22Eu_M
Good luck and:cheers:
Quizno
05-23-2012, 03:59 AM
god damn dude she seems like such a bitch. if any of my friends (or even someone i barely know) had surgery like that i would never even ask him to stand up let alone expect him to take out the trash or get groceries. that kind of treatment from someone you've known for so long is really messed up.
shoot her in the head
That's good. My friends current GF has dumped him multiple times in the last year. She wants her ex husband back and even cheated with him while they were going out. Yet every time she dumps him he runs back when she calls again. Just be glad that isn't you. It really is a hopeless cycle.
I have a friend who went through a similar situation. My experience when I was actually breaking up with her was that my gut didn't want to do it, but my head told me it was necessary. I think people like my friend and your friend have a hard to listening to their head when there are a lot of feelings involved.
god damn dude she seems like such a bitch. if any of my friends (or even someone i barely know) had surgery like that i would never even ask him to stand up let alone expect him to take out the trash or get groceries. that kind of treatment from someone you've known for so long is really messed up.
shoot her in the head
:eek: I was with you until the last phrase. I think with the trash thing, she was just being stupid and not really understanding how much physical pain I was in (but it is pretty crappy to be so inconsiderate that you don't even know you are being inconsiderate). But the grocery thing seemed deliberate.
kentatm
05-23-2012, 04:10 AM
I think with the trash thing, she was just being stupid and not really understanding how much physical pain I was in (but it is pretty crappy to be so inconsiderate that you don't even know you are being inconsiderate). But the grocery thing seemed deliberate.
did you already give her the cash?
its pretty f-ed up she would ask for half the money when she only bought stuff she should know you don't eat.
sick_brah07
05-23-2012, 04:49 AM
women are cold blooded killers man
did you already give her the cash?
its pretty f-ed up she would ask for half the money when she only bought stuff she should know you don't eat.
No, I did not already pay for "my half" of the groceries. I'm thinking she was hoping that I would mix up what was already in the fridge with what she just purchased or lost track due to the random couple of things I would eat. But in the end, I noticed that I was going to be spending about $60 on a couple of strawberries.
She isn't crashing here tonight, so I haven't gotten to call her on it yet. I'm kind of looking forward to it just to see the look on her face when she realizes what a b*tch thing that was to do.
IcanzIIravor
05-23-2012, 09:03 AM
No, I did not already pay for "my half" of the groceries. I'm thinking she was hoping that I would mix up what was already in the fridge with what she just purchased or lost track due to the random couple of things I would eat. But in the end, I noticed that I was going to be spending about $60 on a couple of strawberries.
She isn't crashing here tonight, so I haven't gotten to call her on it yet. I'm kind of looking forward to it just to see the look on her face when she realizes what a b*tch thing that was to do.
I would not pay her a damn thing. She knew what she was doing when she bought the stuff she knows you don't like. You two had enough time together that when she does things like that it is intentional. Don't be afraid to have a 'Moses coming down from the mountains with the damn 10 commandments' moment with her.
maybeshewill13
05-23-2012, 09:04 AM
Edit: Didn't realize how old the thread was.
Anyway, good luck with the move mate. I hope all goes well.
nathanjizzle
05-23-2012, 09:40 AM
No, I did not already pay for "my half" of the groceries. I'm thinking she was hoping that I would mix up what was already in the fridge with what she just purchased or lost track due to the random couple of things I would eat. But in the end, I noticed that I was going to be spending about $60 on a couple of strawberries.
She isn't crashing here tonight, so I haven't gotten to call her on it yet. I'm kind of looking forward to it just to see the look on her face when she realizes what a b*tch thing that was to do.
dont call her out on it, just let it go. dont get emotional with her in anyway.
I would not pay her a damn thing. She knew what she was doing when she bought the stuff she knows you don't like. You two had enough time together that when she does things like that it is intentional. Don't be afraid to have a 'Moses coming down from the mountains with the damn 10 commandments' moment with her.
I won't pay her for that. I had my mom pick up a bunch of groceries for me, so it will likely come down to "this is my food, and that is your food."
dont call her out on it, just let it go. dont get emotional with her in anyway.
I'm going to remain very calm when I call her out. I'm simply going to point out that what she did was shitty and I am not going to pay her for those groceries and I just won't eat any of it.
CeltsGarlic
05-23-2012, 01:41 PM
I dont get it why you cant move now?
I dont get it why you cant move now?
The biggest reason is because of location to where I need to go for school related stuff. I could move in with my parents, but then my daily commute would become ridiculous, which would be made extra worse by me not feeling 100% (sitting scrunched up in a car hurts where I had surgery).
Another reason is that I physically can't move much of my stuff. I'm not supposed to lift more than 10 pounds right now. That means no moving of my furniture or even packing boxes significantly. This means I need help moving my stuff, and my parents are really the only people I'm close with in the area. My brother got a new job and needs to move sooner than I need to, so my parents are helping him move on the weekends when they have time. So that means I have to wait for them to help me move into their home while I wait for the move to California. Originally, we were going to try to stick it out in the current apartment until mid-July when I move to Cali, but we moved the move out day to the earliest time that works for me and my parents, and that is June 17th (small chance I could have a majority of my stuff out the weekend before, but I can't realistically see getting out before the 10th).
CeltsGarlic
05-23-2012, 02:47 PM
The biggest reason is because of location to where I need to go for school related stuff. I could move in with my parents, but then my daily commute would become ridiculous, which would be made extra worse by me not feeling 100% (sitting scrunched up in a car hurts where I had surgery).
Another reason is that I physically can't move much of my stuff. I'm not supposed to lift more than 10 pounds right now. That means no moving of my furniture or even packing boxes significantly. This means I need help moving my stuff, and my parents are really the only people I'm close with in the area. My brother got a new job and needs to move sooner than I need to, so my parents are helping him move on the weekends when they have time. So that means I have to wait for them to help me move into their home while I wait for the move to California. Originally, we were going to try to stick it out in the current apartment until mid-July when I move to Cali, but we moved the move out day to the earliest time that works for me and my parents, and that is June 17th (small chance I could have a majority of my stuff out the weekend before, but I can't realistically see getting out before the 10th).
Alright, get well soon!
kentatm
05-23-2012, 03:00 PM
No, I did not already pay for "my half" of the groceries. I'm thinking she was hoping that I would mix up what was already in the fridge with what she just purchased or lost track due to the random couple of things I would eat. But in the end, I noticed that I was going to be spending about $60 on a couple of strawberries.
She isn't crashing here tonight, so I haven't gotten to call her on it yet. I'm kind of looking forward to it just to see the look on her face when she realizes what a b*tch thing that was to do.
not to be too invasive buy why is she not staying at your place and where will she be? Is she already shacked up with some other dude?
and don't let the groceries thing slide. I just don't see how her buying shit you don't eat and then asking to split the cost could be anything but an on purpose poke with a sharp stick. You have been with her long enough that she should know what all you do and don't eat. That is all you have to keep saying if she balks. She really has no way to excuse it other than to admit she is an inconsiderate person who doesn't give two shits about anyone other than herself. I mean damn, I still remember what ex GFs from friggin high school don't like to eat and that was the late 90s.
The_Yearning
05-23-2012, 03:40 PM
Damn, that's a lot of shit to deal with. Keep your head up, homie.
Going behind your back is definitely fvcked up but her not being committed to be there while you're recovering is worse.
And the dog thing just seems immature.
Just a whole bunch of bullshit you shouldn't have to be dealing with when your about to get a new kidney and shit.
And the jerking off thing:biggums: Who even requests that shit?
Lmao that shit was funny as hell... he could of at least asked for a handjob.
And as for OP, good luck on the insurance/transplant/moving... but regardless, dump her or remain beta for the rest of your life.
not to be too invasive buy why is she not staying at your place and where will she be? Is she already shacked up with some other dude?
and don't let the groceries thing slide. I just don't see how her buying shit you don't eat and then asking to split the cost could be anything but an on purpose poke with a sharp stick. You have been with her long enough that she should know what all you do and don't eat. That is all you have to keep saying if she balks. She really has no way to excuse it other than to admit she is an inconsiderate person who doesn't give two shits about anyone other than herself. I mean damn, I still remember what ex GFs from friggin high school don't like to eat and that was the late 90s.
Probably. Couple weekends ago she stayed with some friends, and she told me exactly who she was staying with. Recently, she has been texting and talking on the phone a lot with somebody and is being very secretive about who it is. This is something I don't really give a f*ck about though. As far as I am concerned, we are over and if I had the opportunity to shack up with some other girl, I'd do it. Also, if her shacking up with some other guy means she isn't around the apartment, no sweat off my back.
And the grocery thing won't slide. That pissed me off too much to let it. It was overly blatant (The Soy milk rather than regular milk is just one of the blatant examples, its not minor purchase habit changes like "I got 1% instead of non-fat").
edb33
05-23-2012, 06:43 PM
I'm coming in really late to this story but I don't see how people arent seeing the obvious here. She starting acting this way close to your transplant, She's accepting that dudes bold move to beat it in front of her, etc... Clearly shes needing some alpha ish in her life and since you are at your weakest (needing emotional support and physical help) you arent coming across as a "man' in her eyes and shes finding what she needs at your expense. It doesnt change the fact that im sure she loves you and doesnt want to hurt you but shes doing what she needs to do to meet her needs in a blind manner. That leaves you the option of constantly playing the alpha role even at your weakest points in order to keep her around or find someone who is more suitable to your personality and life circumstance.
I went through this exact same process when I was 26 and broke my spine, I felt comfortable with my girl of 5 years and showed "weakness" believing she would be someone I could lean on. I quickly learned the opposite when she hooked up with my best friend and a few other people and was not there for me when needed. I walked. manned up, learned some great life lessons, and couldnt be happier now. You have to find someone who has your back at all times and not when it suits their personality. Doesnt make her a bad person just not the one for you
I'm coming in really late to this story but I don't see how people arent seeing the obvious here. She starting acting this way close to your transplant, She's accepting that dudes bold move to beat it in front of her, etc... Clearly shes needing some alpha ish in her life and since you are at your weakest (needing emotional support and physical help) you arent coming across as a "man' in her eyes and shes finding what she needs at your expense. It doesnt change the fact that im sure she loves you and doesnt want to hurt you but shes doing what she needs to do to meet her needs in a blind manner. That leaves you the option of constantly playing the alpha role even at your weakest points in order to keep her around or find someone who is more suitable to your personality and life circumstance.
I was with you until your needs a "man" assessment. The guy who jacked off in front of her is about 6 or 7 years younger than me, and their relationship started out as her sort of mentoring him because he was overly dramatic with his ex-girlfriend. I think it is more about wanting to be free and do exciting things, while me being limited in exciting things since I'll have a long recovery plus our relationship becoming predictable is not something that is a thrill.
I went through this exact same process when I was 26 and broke my spine, I felt comfortable with my girl of 5 years and showed "weakness" believing she would be someone I could lean on. I quickly learned the opposite when she hooked up with my best friend and a few other people and was not there for me when needed. I walked. manned up, learned some great life lessons, and couldnt be happier now. You have to find someone who has your back at all times and not when it suits their personality. Doesnt make her a bad person just not the one for you
That sucks, dude, but glad to here it got better for you. Though, I do question the last sentence. Yours sounds worse than mine, because you had a broken back (which limits you even more) and she hooked up with your best friend. That is some shitty shit my friend.
SAKOTXA
05-16-2014, 06:57 AM
Holy fu.cking shit, this is gold. :oldlol:
Hope you're doing better brother. Friendly advice to my fellow ISHers. Cheating is the ultimate deal breaker. Don't deal with it.
SAKOTXA
05-16-2014, 07:02 AM
And I hope you feel like a total dumbass when you read this almost 2 years later. :cheers:
ForeverHeat
05-16-2014, 07:31 AM
Now I understand why this nikka is always so salty :oldlol:
Myth you actin like a bitch here bro. She disrespected you to the max and you didnt even do anything. The worst thing is that you were still trying to stay with her too. She must think you were a door mat. How did the story end up?
^ lol, the good ole days. Life is golden these days. Health is good, in a much better relationship (just celebrated our 1 year anniversary). Just got a job in Arizona that starts in August (sad to leave SoCal, but excited for something new).
The part that is most ridiculous is that I posted it on ISH at all, but reading through what I wrote at the time, I have to say it seems like I was still thinking pretty clearly considering all the shit I was going through. I'm glad I didn't rush the decision to dump her, but even then, "not rushing" meant I made the decision to dump her in approximately 24 hours.
Weird thing now is her dad (who was a really good guy who I was close to) comments on pictures of me and my current gf on Facebook. He was too nice to be a dick to by removing/blocking him, but it is kind of weird. I think he knows his daughter gone f*cked up.
Now I understand why this nikka is always so salty :oldlol:
Myth you actin like a bitch here bro. She disrespected you to the max and you didnt even do anything. The worst thing is that you were still trying to stay with her too. She must think you were a door mat. How did the story end up?
I dumped her the next time I saw her :confusedshrug:
ForeverHeat
05-16-2014, 07:41 AM
I dumped her the next time I saw her :confusedshrug:
That makes me feel better. :applause:
Bitches are always untrustworthy. Its damn near impossible to find anybody who is loyal these days.
step_back
05-16-2014, 07:46 AM
Random bump. I don't know why someone would feel the need to bring up someones misfortunes again for the sake of their own entertainment. But then again ISH is filled with weirdos.
Pleased to hear things got sorted out for you Myth. Best of luck with your health, new job and girl. :cheers:
Graviton
05-16-2014, 07:49 AM
Shit I was about to write a long response until I noticed the date thread was created. :oldlol:
This 92 year old World War 2 veteran told me the best advise for relationships. His wife that he was with for like 50-60 years was dead, but they seemed to be real soulmates based on his stories. All he said was "If it's going to work, BOTH parties need to be willing to work hard on it. You can't just quit as soon as it gets tough, you need to get through those times together and allow your bond to grow stronger from it."
And the funny part is in your post you talked about the things she wanted you to change (the dog, dirty clothes, etc.). But I bet she never mentioned the things SHE had to do for you, a woman who truly cares about you wouldn't just concentrate on her needs but pay attention to yours as well. Just from that sentence I could tell that bitch wasn't wife material, I am glad you dumped her.
riseagainst
05-16-2014, 09:59 AM
congrats OP for going through a tough time and sticking it out.
:applause:
JebronLames
05-16-2014, 11:21 AM
That's being clutch in life :bowdown: :applause:
Reminds me of LeBron.
COnDEMnED
05-16-2014, 11:28 AM
I dumped her the next time I saw her :confusedshrug:
This is the best thing you could have done. Be the broken or the breaker, you chose the breaker. I think the most hurtful thing from your original post was the way she was reacting to your medical situation. You don't treat someone you love who has a medical condition that way. Marriage is for better or worse, all other issues aside, you could see clearly this bitch didn't have your best interest in mind. It seems like you were convenient for her while you were healthy, once you weren't convenient, she strayed. She's a bitch.
....but...I may be jaded. I think marriage is stupid for any man.
EDIT: What kind of dog was it? I would leave a girlfriend if she told me to get rid of my dog on principle alone. I love my dog, he's loyal and he's a badass.
imdaman99
05-16-2014, 11:38 AM
#teammyth
He got it done :rockon:
Shade8780
05-16-2014, 12:04 PM
too read, didnt long.
MadeFromDust
05-16-2014, 01:54 PM
too read, didnt long.
long read, didn't too -_-
mr beast
05-16-2014, 02:28 PM
convince her to go CA with you to take care of you until you recover
then DUMP THE BITCH
she cheated on you multiple times, time to tell her to pack her shiet
/thread
CavaliersFTW
05-16-2014, 02:51 PM
I dumped her the next time I saw her :confusedshrug:
:applause: :applause: :applause: :applause: just read the OP, props for making the right decision :cheers:
Lamar Doom
05-16-2014, 02:56 PM
what happened with the dog? are you in LA now?
What kind of dog was it? I would leave a girlfriend if she told me to get rid of my dog on principle alone. I love my dog, he's loyal and he's a badass.
He is a labradoodle/Irish Wolfhound mix. About 90lb. He is still with me and my new girl loves him.
Here he is at Huntington Dog Beach
http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e148/crazydonovan12/DSCN0515.jpg
http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e148/crazydonovan12/DSCN0510.jpg
what happened with the dog? are you in LA now?
As you can see in the post above, he is still with me. I'm in Orange County, but only for a couple more months before moving to Arizona.
Lamar Doom
05-16-2014, 04:08 PM
awesome man. I don't get down there often but I like HB. I am really glad to hear you hadn't "returned the dog" or whatever that option was.
dr.hee
05-16-2014, 04:09 PM
He is a labradoodle/Irish Wolfhound mix. About 90lb. He is still with me and my new girl loves him.
Here he is at Huntington Dog Beach
http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e148/crazydonovan12/DSCN0515.jpg
http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e148/crazydonovan12/DSCN0510.jpg
She wanted you to get rid of this dog? Glad you dumped her :applause:
Lamar Doom
05-16-2014, 04:11 PM
She wanted you to get rid of this dog? Glad you dumped her :applause:
For real. F*ck her. All that other stuff was shitty of her but at least it's shit she can try to explain to you. Committing to a dog and then "getting rid of it"? F*ck that bitch man.
awesome man. I don't get down there often but I like HB. I am really glad to hear you hadn't "returned the dog" or whatever that option was.
Getting rid of the dog for her was never an option in my mind.
kNIOKAS
05-16-2014, 04:40 PM
Getting rid of the dog for her was never an option in my mind.
Dumped the bitch but stayed with a dog. :rolleyes:
COnDEMnED
05-16-2014, 04:48 PM
He is a labradoodle/Irish Wolfhound mix. About 90lb. He is still with me and my new girl loves him.
Here he is at Huntington Dog Beach
http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e148/crazydonovan12/DSCN0515.jpg
http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e148/crazydonovan12/DSCN0510.jpg
Badass, he's basically a work dog. My guys a work dog too.
http://i1370.photobucket.com/albums/ag241/Anonymous_camo/002_zps35803826.jpg (http://s1370.photobucket.com/user/Anonymous_camo/media/002_zps35803826.jpg.html)
http://i1370.photobucket.com/albums/ag241/Anonymous_camo/097_zps5f82489d.jpg (http://s1370.photobucket.com/user/Anonymous_camo/media/097_zps5f82489d.jpg.html)
http://i1370.photobucket.com/albums/ag241/Anonymous_camo/019_zps8c786035.jpg (http://s1370.photobucket.com/user/Anonymous_camo/media/019_zps8c786035.jpg.html)
http://i1370.photobucket.com/albums/ag241/Anonymous_camo/296_zps2cb0b2cc.jpg (http://s1370.photobucket.com/user/Anonymous_camo/media/296_zps2cb0b2cc.jpg.html)
He's an Australian Shepherd Blue Merle. His name is Camo
Lamar Doom
05-16-2014, 05:04 PM
He's an Australian Shepherd Blue Merle.
I have an Aussie Shepard/Blue Healer mix, he's an old timer but he's the shit
http://s21.postimg.org/uj43f2hyv/photo_1.jpg
COnDEMnED
05-16-2014, 05:14 PM
Dumped the bitch but stayed with a dog. :rolleyes:
I can be an extreme asshole to most people I meet in real life, but one thing you don't do is be cruel to an animal. If you aren't prepared to take the responsibility for caring for and providing a good life to an animal, don't browbeat your boyfriend into getting you a dog then wanting to get rid of it within a year. The dog didn't do anything wrong in this situation, why should he have to suffer. He made the right move in keeping the dog. There's tons of other gashes out there, most of them love dogs too.
imdaman99
05-16-2014, 08:23 PM
Dumped the bitch but stayed with a dog. :rolleyes:
Why you rollin your eyes? :hammerhead:
The dog was infinitely more loyal than his ex ever was, fck that btch
Lonely_Sandberg
05-16-2014, 08:33 PM
Burn the bitch down.
http://i.imgur.com/tVtHokH.gif
Rocketswin2013
05-16-2014, 08:37 PM
I'm writing this in hopes of sorting out my own thoughts. I'm sure I will get a decent amount of immature posts (of which I will not be responding because it is a sensitive issue for me), but I appreciate those with serious comments and thoughts. I'm processing something that is bigger than I've ever had to think about before. About 48 hours ago, my girlfriend of nearly 6 years dropped something on me. I stewed on it for about 24 hours, and when I confronted her about the feelings I was having, an even bigger bombshell was dropped on me.
As many of you may know based on past posts, I have a few big changes coming my way. One is that I am moving to southern California in the summer (July is the plan). The other is that I am on a kidney transplant list, expecting to get the call any time, and am scheduled for dialysis if I don't have it by next month. My girlfriend and I have planned on getting married, and would have already been married if it weren't for health insurance screwing things up (if I get married in my current situation, I lose my insurance, this country is really f*cked up).
Well now, my girlfriend wants to stay in Oregon during that year so that she can "figure out" her own life. She initially phrased it as she wants to keep her job, but she suggested that even if her contract isn't renewed (she is a teacher and at the bottom of the seniority list with budget cuts coming, so a strong possibility), it isn't a given that she would come with me. In a lot of situations, I would be cool with that and try the long distance thing. However, she really pushed for California and that was a big consideration of where I would go. If I knew I was going alone, I certainly would have pushed more for Washington where I would have been a reasonable drive to my brother's and a long drive to my parents'. I feel a bit like I was coaxed into moving far away from everybody I knew, and then abandoned. Not only does that suck in general, but put on top of that the fact that I will be going through a lot of medical changes soon. I will be having a transplant and will not be allowed to do a lot of simple things like grocery shopping because of limits of how much weight I will be allowed to carry. If I can't carry my own groceries during recovery, I'm going to have to go through the pain of either ordering food all the time, having to pay for somebody to get my groceries, or have my mother quit her job (also a teacher) to fly to California as well to take care of me. Not to mention, it would be nice for peace of mind to have somebody there with me to make sure I don't have serious complications with the transplant, as well any emotional support that may be necessary as I recover. I don't know all the specifics of how it will be challenging to recover post transplant while living in an area where you know nobody, but I'm sure it isn't great. My initial reaction is, "How can I plan on staying with somebody who abandons me when I need them most?"
I probed into what she needs to figure out, and discovered what some of her doubts are. She gave me a small list of things that are not perfect in our relationship. (1) She wants to get rid of our dog that we got 7 months ago. She pushed for the dog, I eventually agreed. Now, I love that dog and she wants to get rid of it because it annoys her (he can be very energetic and he sheds a lot, but otherwise a super loving and obedient dog). (2) She hates that I am not the most clean person. This admittedly is my biggest flaw. I don't do laundry often and have 2 large overflowing laundry baskets of dirty clothes (I have lots of clothes, so I do laundry only about once a month). I'm also not as quick to do dishes or vacuum as much as I should (especially considering our dog sheds a lot). (3) She fears that my health will become a burden. Which it will in moments, but after I recover from my transplant, there is no reason I can't remain healthy another 20 years before having to go through it again. (4) She fears my debt. I have a lot of student loans because of finishing my doctorate in psychology. (5) She fears I won't want to quit jobs randomly to move to another country for another year here and there. My future job is likely to have summers off, so I'd be willing to go somewhere during that time, but she is right that I won't sacrifice my career to bounce from country to country. Though, I am willing to let her go off to another country here and there on her own or with a friend as long as it is not when I am ill and need her with me.
To make matters worse, she cheated on me. Now, this may sound extreme to a lot of people, but cheating can have a different affects on different people depending on circumstances. She said that she had never cheated on me until the last month and a half. She had been talking to this guy she knew through work on the phone fairly frequently. They apparently went for a drive and he pressured her do fool around with him. She said no, and he asked if he could just jerk off in her presence and she said yes...
:biggums:
...so that happened. She said that she has thought about leaving me to be with him, and it was a little more than just fantasizing about being with somebody else. She also said that this opened the door for her to the possibility of being with somebody other than me, because she had never seriously considered such a thing until recently. She then snuck out to meet with another guy (she told me she was meeting a friend, so blatantly lied to me). They spent a bit of time with each other at a park, then made out in his car for a bit. She told me this was also not just a sexual thing, but she also thought about the possibility of actually being with him. The not just being a sexual thing is big part to me. The idea of her lying to me to meet this guy who she wants to be with on some level is more hurtful to me than her making out with him. Some of you may have remembered a thread I made about a sexual deal the 2 of us were discussing, because we view love and sex as not interchangeable. We never did come to an agreement, so what she did broke our currently set boundaries, but as I said, more hurtful is the idea of leaving me, not the action of kissing (or watching a guy jack off.... but still, wtf).
She still says she does not know what she wants to do, though said she would still move down to Cali with me (but on some level it feels like she says this because she knows the timing is so bad that I could be royally screwed). The deceit hurts, but the idea that she even considered leaving me when I will need her most is the most painful. She says she still loves me, but knows she has to figure some of her own shit out. In the mean time, I now have to decide if this is a person I want to stay with. I'm sure many will say "leave the b*tch" or something similar, but when you have loved somebody so much for so many years, that is a lot to throw away after only a month and a half of doubt on her end and only 24 hours of doubt on my end.
:roll: :roll: Damn, OP. :roll:
BlazerRed
05-16-2014, 08:42 PM
I forgot about this post, you did get rid of the bitch right? Man that post was hard to read, I couldn't believe you hadn't told the bitch to **** off right there and then. I've been with my partner 7 years (just got married), and I don't give a shit how long we've been together or how much I love her she'd be kicked out the door the minute she confessed all that shit to me.
Ugh, people make me sick.
Wow. I didn't even know this happened Myth. I truly sympathize with you. When I think of perfect relationships people have here with their outside partners, your name rings a bell first.
I know for a fact or I'm surely positive you're still with this girl right? Wow. The amount of pain you probably went through. My heart goes out to you brother. You really, kind of made me feel better reading what you go through.
I'm guessing your problem is over and you've chosen to stay with her? This was just a simple bump? Any update on this situation and how you've matured through it throughout the years?
I'm proud of you. I'm actually just pouring it out on my girlfriend the past few hours telling her I want space and just violating her life. Telling her countless amount of unnecessary foul things that I shouldn't of. I honestly believe things happen for a reason and spending my time here since I've done that, seeing this thread actually makes me rethink what I'm about to do. Maybe I'm not supposed to leave just yet.
Dam.
Edit: I noticed you have a new girl now, this is the girl you met online dating website and the "virgin" right? God dam I can't keep track of the amount of girls you have man lol
KingBeasley08
05-17-2014, 12:09 AM
I remember this thread lol
Pushxx
05-17-2014, 01:34 AM
When I read this thread years ago I thought Myth had no chance.
stalkerforlife
05-17-2014, 02:14 AM
I'm writing this in hopes of sorting out my own thoughts. I'm sure I will get a decent amount of immature posts (of which I will not be responding because it is a sensitive issue for me), but I appreciate those with serious comments and thoughts. I'm processing something that is bigger than I've ever had to think about before. About 48 hours ago, my girlfriend of nearly 6 years dropped something on me. I stewed on it for about 24 hours, and when I confronted her about the feelings I was having, an even bigger bombshell was dropped on me.
As many of you may know based on past posts, I have a few big changes coming my way. One is that I am moving to southern California in the summer (July is the plan). The other is that I am on a kidney transplant list, expecting to get the call any time, and am scheduled for dialysis if I don't have it by next month. My girlfriend and I have planned on getting married, and would have already been married if it weren't for health insurance screwing things up (if I get married in my current situation, I lose my insurance, this country is really f*cked up).
Well now, my girlfriend wants to stay in Oregon during that year so that she can "figure out" her own life. She initially phrased it as she wants to keep her job, but she suggested that even if her contract isn't renewed (she is a teacher and at the bottom of the seniority list with budget cuts coming, so a strong possibility), it isn't a given that she would come with me. In a lot of situations, I would be cool with that and try the long distance thing. However, she really pushed for California and that was a big consideration of where I would go. If I knew I was going alone, I certainly would have pushed more for Washington where I would have been a reasonable drive to my brother's and a long drive to my parents'. I feel a bit like I was coaxed into moving far away from everybody I knew, and then abandoned. Not only does that suck in general, but put on top of that the fact that I will be going through a lot of medical changes soon. I will be having a transplant and will not be allowed to do a lot of simple things like grocery shopping because of limits of how much weight I will be allowed to carry. If I can't carry my own groceries during recovery, I'm going to have to go through the pain of either ordering food all the time, having to pay for somebody to get my groceries, or have my mother quit her job (also a teacher) to fly to California as well to take care of me. Not to mention, it would be nice for peace of mind to have somebody there with me to make sure I don't have serious complications with the transplant, as well any emotional support that may be necessary as I recover. I don't know all the specifics of how it will be challenging to recover post transplant while living in an area where you know nobody, but I'm sure it isn't great. My initial reaction is, "How can I plan on staying with somebody who abandons me when I need them most?"
I probed into what she needs to figure out, and discovered what some of her doubts are. She gave me a small list of things that are not perfect in our relationship. (1) She wants to get rid of our dog that we got 7 months ago. She pushed for the dog, I eventually agreed. Now, I love that dog and she wants to get rid of it because it annoys her (he can be very energetic and he sheds a lot, but otherwise a super loving and obedient dog). (2) She hates that I am not the most clean person. This admittedly is my biggest flaw. I don't do laundry often and have 2 large overflowing laundry baskets of dirty clothes (I have lots of clothes, so I do laundry only about once a month). I'm also not as quick to do dishes or vacuum as much as I should (especially considering our dog sheds a lot). (3) She fears that my health will become a burden. Which it will in moments, but after I recover from my transplant, there is no reason I can't remain healthy another 20 years before having to go through it again. (4) She fears my debt. I have a lot of student loans because of finishing my doctorate in psychology. (5) She fears I won't want to quit jobs randomly to move to another country for another year here and there. My future job is likely to have summers off, so I'd be willing to go somewhere during that time, but she is right that I won't sacrifice my career to bounce from country to country. Though, I am willing to let her go off to another country here and there on her own or with a friend as long as it is not when I am ill and need her with me.
To make matters worse, she cheated on me. Now, this may sound extreme to a lot of people, but cheating can have a different affects on different people depending on circumstances. She said that she had never cheated on me until the last month and a half. She had been talking to this guy she knew through work on the phone fairly frequently. They apparently went for a drive and he pressured her do fool around with him. She said no, and he asked if he could just jerk off in her presence and she said yes...
:biggums:
...so that happened. She said that she has thought about leaving me to be with him, and it was a little more than just fantasizing about being with somebody else. She also said that this opened the door for her to the possibility of being with somebody other than me, because she had never seriously considered such a thing until recently. She then snuck out to meet with another guy (she told me she was meeting a friend, so blatantly lied to me). They spent a bit of time with each other at a park, then made out in his car for a bit. She told me this was also not just a sexual thing, but she also thought about the possibility of actually being with him. The not just being a sexual thing is big part to me. The idea of her lying to me to meet this guy who she wants to be with on some level is more hurtful to me than her making out with him. Some of you may have remembered a thread I made about a sexual deal the 2 of us were discussing, because we view love and sex as not interchangeable. We never did come to an agreement, so what she did broke our currently set boundaries, but as I said, more hurtful is the idea of leaving me, not the action of kissing (or watching a guy jack off.... but still, wtf).
She still says she does not know what she wants to do, though said she would still move down to Cali with me (but on some level it feels like she says this because she knows the timing is so bad that I could be royally screwed). The deceit hurts, but the idea that she even considered leaving me when I will need her most is the most painful. She says she still loves me, but knows she has to figure some of her own shit out. In the mean time, I now have to decide if this is a person I want to stay with. I'm sure many will say "leave the b*tch" or something similar, but when you have loved somebody so much for so many years, that is a lot to throw away after only a month and a half of doubt on her end and only 24 hours of doubt on my end.
Your GF is a pathetic piece of shit and if you have the strength to rid yourself of her completely, I suggest you do so.
Edit: I noticed you have a new girl now, this is the girl you met online dating website and the "virgin" right? God dam I can't keep track of the amount of girls you have man lol
:oldlol: Yes, I'm still with the "virgin" I met online. You have a good memory my friend, I must have made an impression. :cheers:
Your GF is a pathetic piece of shit and if you have the strength to rid yourself of her completely, I suggest you do so.
Your username fails you. I expect you to have at least Draz's level of knowledge of my life.
When I read this thread years ago I thought Myth had no chance.
No chance at what?
Lonely_Sandberg
05-17-2014, 04:33 AM
Let me act out how the conversation should have went...
http://www.abload.de/img/peralta1ixdol.gif
Lebron23
05-17-2014, 04:37 AM
It sucks that your gf is a whore.
kNIOKAS
05-17-2014, 04:51 AM
I can be an extreme asshole to most people I meet in real life, but one thing you don't do is be cruel to an animal. If you aren't prepared to take the responsibility for caring for and providing a good life to an animal, don't browbeat your boyfriend into getting you a dog then wanting to get rid of it within a year. The dog didn't do anything wrong in this situation, why should he have to suffer. He made the right move in keeping the dog. There's tons of other gashes out there, most of them love dogs too.
That's true, I don't get people who supposedly love animals, but then a portion of them end up homeless. I love animals and I haven't owned one, I think they are best off free - not domesticated. Vegans supposedly love animals and then try to feed vegetables to their cats.
Why you rollin your eyes? :hammerhead:
The dog was infinitely more loyal than his ex ever was, fck that btch
Yeah well just that bitch means dog and vice versa. I feel happy for Myth that he's out of that relationship.
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