Should I tell my daughter I'm not her biological father?

[Chuckbrook]

I'll try to make this short. When I met her mother she was like 2 months pregnant. When she told the guy she was pregnant he ran off like a coward never to be seen or heard from again. Me and this woman developed a relationship throughout the time she was pregnant. When she had the baby the father's name was left blank on the birth certificate and the baby was given her mother's last name. We continued the relationship and we eventually got married along with having two other kids.

We decided that we didn't want the first baby feeling a certain way because she had a different last name so we went to records place or whatever and I signed as the father, changing her last name to mine.

Long story short, I've been raising this child as my own basically since she was born and she doesn't know I'm not her biological father. She's 12 year old now. My question is, should I tell her I'm not her biological father at some point? If so, when should I tell her? Or should I just leave things the way they are and have been?

-Brook

[BasedTom]

That's an interesting story, and a difficult decision. But what possessed you to pursue a relationship with a pregnant woman in the first place?

[DoodleDa]

I don't see why you wouldn't want to tell her. I would just say do it at a time where she is mentally mature enough to handle it. If what you say is true, then you'll always be her father in her eyes, but she needs to know the truth eventually.

[Chuckbrook]

That's an interesting story, and a difficult decision. But what possessed you to pursue a relationship with a pregnant woman in the first place?
Is there some rule about not pursuing a relationship with a woman who is pregnant? :confusedshrug:

But to answer your question....I really didn't pursue a relationship with her. We worked together and saw each other everyday. Things just kind of went from there.

-Brook

[Chuckbrook]

I don't see why you wouldn't want to tell her. I would just say do it at a time where she is mentally mature enough to handle it. If what you say is true, then you'll always be her father in her eyes, but she needs to know the truth eventually.
It's not that I don't want to tell her. I just don't want her feel....I don't know, abandon by her biological. Not wanted, you know, even though she has me....she may feel some sort of way. Not apart of the rest of the family. She's very sensitive.

As you said, I would have to do it when she's mentally mature enough to handle it.

-Brook

[NoGunzJustSkillz]

i'd tell her when she's somewhere between 16 and 18.

[JohnFreeman]

Nah, you are her Dad now.

[flipogb]

wait till any sort of rebellious phase is no longer possible (after college maybe?) , then tell her. But if her physical appearance makes too obvious then you might just have to tell her right away before she asks.

[Budadiiii]

Remember, it's not weird if you become attracted to her.

She's just a younger version of your wife.

[Chuckbrook]

Remember, it's not weird if you become attracted to her.

She's just a younger version of your wife.
Jesus Christ, Budadiiii :facepalm :facepalm :facepalm

-Brook

[the mesiah]

Best thing is to sit her down with ur wife and lay It out there on the table just to
Get it out of the way.If u asking on a forum then It must be kind of weighing on u and the wifey or just at least u.Don't know how it is in ur state ,but it's cool that u adopted her as ur own,that's hard to do to raise another seed that ain't urs.Wifey must have been hella cool and had some grade A snatch to stay with , I couldn't do it .

[Qwyjibo]

You should give us a few options and ask us to vote for one. I can't think of a better group of people than us here at ISH to decide such a life decision.

[ace23]

Lol @ waiting until she's 12.

[DeuceWallaces]

She probably can't handle that information for a few more years; depending on her personality and maturity level. Best to wait if she doesn't suspect anything in the meantime. You also have to consider how her younger siblings will handle it and possibly try to alienate her.

[Chuckbrook]

I appreciate some of the suggestions some of you have given. It's just something I've been thinking about recently and decided ask the question here. Thinking maybe someone on ISH has been through this before, possibly as the parent, but more so as the child.

Maybe next time I should ask a forum full of women so I don't get some of the :facepalm comments.

Either way, thanks guys. :cheers:

-Brook

[chosen_one6]

I would wait until she's older. It'll open pandora's box if you do it right now and you don't want her to start questioning her worth while she's going through puberty.

[Done_And_Done]

How do you think she would take it?

Is she naturally very emotional? What's her level of maturity?

I would ask yourself those 3 questions as a starting point and go from there. There is nothing objective about this because everyone grows at different rates. There are some pretty rigid 12 year olds out there who can accept this truth and move forward in a healthy manner. Moreover there are others who simply can't receive such news with ease...

It's quite the subjective predicament and you my friend, know your daughter better than anyone...

[Pushxx]

It's a bad idea. You really don't gain anything other than feeling less guilt/emotion about the situation yourself, but you are just transferring some of those feelings to her.

As a good father, you shouldn't mind living with the strangeness for the benefit of someone you treat as your own daughter already.

Trust me. Don't think about it, and move on. Life is too short to worry about stuff like that.

[Chuckbrook]

How do you think she would take it?

Is she naturally very emotional? What's her level of maturity?

I would ask yourself those 3 questions as a starting point and go from there. There is nothing objective about this because everyone grows at different rates. There are some pretty rigid 12 year olds out there who can accept this truth and move forward in a healthy manner. Moreover there are others who simply can't receive such news with ease...

It's quite the subjective predicament and you my friend, know your daughter better than anyone...
If we were to tell her right now I don't think she would take it very well. She's very emotional and I just don't know how she would deal with this information. She's already going through that pre teen stage, it would make things even worse and I don't want her distancing herself from the family.

-Brook

[Bless Mathews]

How does your wife feel about it???

It should only be told if and when BOTH you and your wife feel it's time. And in a way you both want to.

[Chuckbrook]

It's a bad idea. You really don't gain anything other than feeling less guilt/emotion about the situation yourself, but you are just transferring some of those feelings to her.

As a good father, you shouldn't mind living with the strangeness for the benefit of someone you treat as your own daughter already.

Trust me. Don't think about it, and move on. Life is too short to worry about stuff like that.
I just don't want her to feel like we lied to her (hid it from her) if she finds out later in life before we decide to tell her, if we decide to tell her. I don't know.

But I totally understand what you're saying. That's basically how we've been playing it.

-Brook

[Swaggin916]

Man that girl lucked out... got knocked up by someone who didn't stick around and then you came in and saved the day.

I would say just let her come to you about it. If it never comes up... then no harm no foul.

[Chuckbrook]

How does your wife feel about it???

It should only be told if and when BOTH you and your wife feel it's time. And in a way you both want to.
When I asked her before she just said she didn't know. I think she wouldn't want to tell her until she gets older though. I'm going to ask her again tomorrow and see what she says.

-Brook

[Bless Mathews]

When I asked her before she just said she didn't know. I think she wouldn't want to tell her until she gets older though. I'm going to ask her again tomorrow and see what she says.

-Brook
Yea. Do that. She should be the one calling the shots. Actually.


Good luck bruh.

[Chuckbrook]

Yea. Do that. She should be the one calling the shots. Actually.


Good luck bruh.
Yeah, I wouldn't do it without talking to her first and her agreeing to it. That would be kinda f*cked up. :oldlol:

-Brook

[Lamar Doom]

Kids are still pretty egocentric and likely to over dramatize something like that at 12, I think you should wait a bit longer, takes a bit of emotional maturity to recognize that it affects your love/relationship in no way and that you're her father despite whose sperm it was. If she's beyond her years in that sort of wisdom then let her know, otherwise I'd wait a few more years.
And don't make it some big production when you do tell her. The way you present the information will directly effect her response to it, if you pull some "sally, sit down we need to talk about a big bad secret I've been keeping from you..." then it's gonna be bigger than it needs to be in her head. No reason to keep it from her forever though as far as I can tell, unless you think the bio-dad is dangerous and if she seeks him out it'll turn into some brass knuckles and baseball bats shit. I'll lie to my mother to avoid that sort of brouhaha. Gotta appraise the truth sometimes, eh?

[Myth]

Such a tough question and I'm not sure there is a correct answer. Part of me says she deserves to know (plus, if she were to find out without you openly telling her, that could feel like a betrayal), but even if that were true, I'm not sure when the right time would be. Do you do it now and risk it leading to some confusion and/or acting out? Do you do it when she is 18 or older and let her feel she has been lied to her whole childhood? Good luck figuring out what to do OP. I'm glad I'm not in your shoes.

Btw, if you do tell her, my hunch would be to explain why you are sharing the info, meaning you (likely) believe she deserves to know and you want to be honest with her. Also, sharing that even though you are not her biological father, you will always be her loving dad and that will never change.

[dunksby]

There is a high chance she reacts badly to the news at this age. It could be devastating to a young girl to know her real dad ran off on her and lose confidence and blame herself. On another note, there is no need to tell her at all if you ask me.

[Trollsmasher]

Remember, it's not weird if you become attracted to her.

She's just a younger version of your wife.
classic Budadiiii:lol

OP, if you want to tell her (and in the end, it's for hearts of you and your wife to decide), it's too soon in my opinion.

[Overdrive]

Drop her a link to this thread.


For real though, the problem is the timing he, she's inbetween to old and to young to take it. If you told her right away, but treated her equal to the other kids not many problems might've ensued. When she gets older she might take it maturely, too.

She's at the brink of puberty and if you tell her every problem about distancing and felt solitude will be blamed on this, although it's common for most teens without this problem.

I see why you would want to tell her. It's basically what I just said, but you're afraid that you'll hurt your relationship even more, when she is about to become independent.

I'd go to see a family therapist first with your wife alone before taking any further steps.

[Milbuck]

12 years old would be an absolutely dreadful time to find out something like that. Honestly, if her physical appearance doesn't make it obvious, I wouldn't tell her anytime soon.

I understand your point regarding her potentially feeling lied to or left in the dark..but it's all justified, with the way you've described the situation. You love her, and wanted her to have zero feelings of isolation or familial difference. That's respectable, more than enough to compensate for any ill-will she may have for not being told.

That being said, it's your call. I'm just some college kid and in no position to be giving advice on this matter. You seem like a good dude, and I think you're in a better position to determine what's right.

[Smook A.]

Nah, you are her Dad now.
Yeah he is but he's not the real one.

What I mean is that she didn't come out of his d!ck while his other two children did.

[9erempiree]

The mother should be the one telling the daughter this.

It is not your job to tell her, if you even tell her. It is up to the mother. I can't stress this enough. You don't have to say anything because you see her as your own daughter and your excuse is, "I see her as she is my biological daughter."

Again, it should be the mother's job and not yours.

If your wife tells her, it is her job to prop you up so there are no ill feelings towards you.

Remember, she won't feel neglected or alienated because you and your wife, her mother are still married with a family. She has her mother to fall back to.

I am not the President of ISH for no reason. Also, I am like the older and wiser brother to everyone here. Good luck in whatever the OP does.

P.S. It is more harmful to tell her later in her life than early. You tell her early, she still has a father in her life. You tell her when she is independent, she is going to leave the family and do her thing without you and the wife.

She is 12 years of age and there is plenty of time to nurture her behavior even if she rebels. That is what teens do. Eventually she grows out of it. If you tell her when she's older and independent...around 18 to 21 years of age, she will rebel by forgetting the family all together. She will use alcohol or drugs or sleep around because that is what 18 to 21 year old do.

Also, you and the wife can get over it. So it doesn't linger in the back of your minds.

[VIntageNOvel]

The mother should be the one telling the daughter this.

It is not your job to tell her, if you even tell her. It is up to the mother. I can't stress this enough. You don't have to say anything because you see her as your own daughter and your excuse is, "I see her as she is my biological daughter."

Again, it should be the mother's job and not yours.

If your wife tells her, it is her job to prop you up so there are no ill feelings towards you.

Remember, she won't feel neglected or alienated because you and your wife, her mother are still married with a family. She has her mother to fall back to.

I am not the President of ISH for no reason. Also, I am like the older and wiser brother to everyone here. Good luck in whatever the OP does.

P.S. It is more harmful to tell her later in her life than early. You tell her early, she still has a father in her life. You tell her when she is independent, she is going to leave the family and do her thing without you and the wife.

She is 12 years of age and there is plenty of time to nurture her behavior even if she rebels. That is what teens do. Eventually she grows out of it. If you tell her when she's older and independent...around 18 to 21 years of age, she will rebel by forgetting the family all together. She will use alcohol or drugs or sleep around because that is what 18 to 21 year old do.

Also, you and the wife can get over it. So it doesn't linger in the back of your minds.

damn, with that avy, i feel like kobe Himself whos talking :bowdown:

[DonD13]

i agree that the mother has to do the job.

i'd tell her right away without making a big scene about it. if you tell it easy the kid will take it easy.
but if you wait until the kid is 16 you could really fvck her up.
people can handle the truth.

[tgan3]

I think its best to tell her, because if she accidentally finds out she might be shocked and angry that you kept it a secret. But i'll wait till she's 18-20 before telling, when she at a more mature age.

[Angel Face]

You should, as the days go by and as she grows older eventually she will know the truth. Why not tell it to her while she's still young.

[CeltsGarlic]

not right now wtf bro..

shes fvcking 12

[step_back]

In a nut shell Yes.

Eventually she will find out one day that you're not her biological father and if she hears it from anyone it should be you. While she may not be your own flesh and blood she is definitely your daughter as you are the man in her life that raised her.

I would also do it soon (The next few weeks if not the next few days) Teenage years can be really tough. You go through insecurities, anxiety, peer pressure and an identity crisis. I wouldn't add to that by dropping this bombshell on her.

The longer you leave it the worse it will get, once you tell her it will relieve a burden of your shoulders and she won't be kept in the dark anymore.

Best of luck mate. You'll be fine! :cheers:

[pauk]

Remember, it's not weird if you become attracted to her.

She's just a younger version of your wife.

lmao

[Dresta]

Go for it then.

Then as she grows, if she turns out to be out, you should Woody Allen her.

[FPJ]

Psychologists say the perfect age to tell a kid he's adopted is between 5-6.

[CelticBaller]

4 pages and no pics?

Wtf ish step up your game

[Marlo_Stanfield]

dont tell her.
If you dont even know where the real father lives, you both have absolutely nothing to gain from it.
you are her father if she thinks you are. :coleman:

[Marlo_Stanfield]

watch out with putting a topic like that in here doe.
you never know if Jameer is dating your daughter:coleman:
he might tell her

[D-FENS]

Selfishly, I wouldn't want to tell her. I would be scared she would want to meet her dad and potential siblings. I wouldn't want her to do anything rash if she is sensitive either.

I think it's something you need to discuss with your wife, is there any benefit to telling her? She really is a part of your family now.

Would she be able to tell that she's not yours?
http://www.mentalfloss.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/pink.jpg

[wildchild]

You can tell anything to your daughter but keep her away from pedophile jameerthequeer.

[niko]

I wouldn't if it wasn't necessary. The thing is, when she is older she might find out so it might be good to tell just for that. Think of your kid, and if this is something she'd want to know, and how it would affect her personally.

Funny story, my friend who is a great guy albeit a bit of a dumbass told his daughter he is not her biologial father when she was about 6/7. He's had her since she was a baby. She's chinese. He and his wife are white. HE ACTUALLY SAT HER DOWN TO TELL HER. She said "Dad, are you being serious? I'm chinese".

To add to the silliness, she has friends who are chinese and also adopted by their white parents, so it's pretty normal. He was really stressed about telling her too, he was very relieved. :lol

[Marlo_Stanfield]

I wouldn't if it wasn't necessary. The thing is, when she is older she might find out so it might be good to tell just for that. Think of your kid, and if this is something she'd want to know, and how it would affect her personally.

Funny story, my friend who is a great guy albeit a bit of a dumbass told his daughter he is not her biologial father when she was about 6/7. He's had her since she was a baby. She's chinese. He and his wife are white. HE ACTUALLY SAT HER DOWN TO TELL HER. She said "Dad, are you being serious? I'm chinese".

To add to the silliness, she has friends who are chinese and also adopted by their white parents, so it's pretty normal. He was really stressed about telling her too, he was very relieved. :lol
was that fresh kid:roll: :roll: :roll:

[ForeverHeat]

Shoulda told her when she was 3 and then recorded it. If she ever finds out on her own and confronts you for not telling her, just show her the tape and be like I thought you knew.

You accomplish two things by firstly not being blamed for not telling her, and not making her feel like she was the odd one out.

I dont see how this scenario couldnt of worked out. You f*cked up son.

[mr beast]

I'll try to make this short. When I met her mother she was like 2 months pregnant. When she told the guy she was pregnant he ran off like a coward never to be seen or heard from again. Me and this woman developed a relationship throughout the time she was pregnant. When she had the baby the father's name was left blank on the birth certificate and the baby was given her mother's last name. We continued the relationship and we eventually got married along with having two other kids.

We decided that we didn't want the first baby feeling a certain way because she had a different last name so we went to records place or whatever and I signed as the father, changing her last name to mine.

Long story short, I've been raising this child as my own basically since she was born and she doesn't know I'm not her biological father. She's 12 year old now. My question is, should I tell her I'm not her biological father at some point? If so, when should I tell her? Or should I just leave things the way they are and have been?

-Brook


definitely dont do it now. she had not even entered her rebel years yet.

i would say a good time to break it to her is probably once she is over 25, probably better at 30. she will appreciate it much more at that point in time. if she turns out to be rebellious in her teen years, you are going to have to fight a lot of battles with statements like you are not my dad

[ballup]

No matter what you do, shit will go down.

[9erempiree]

The mother should be telling her. Not OP.

So people want them to keep it a secret for the fear of rebellion? Parents should owed up to it. The right thing to do is the truth.

Truth will set you free.

[DonDadda59]

You did the right thing bringing this serious life decision before the erudite sages of ISH.

Anyway, I think the 'right' thing to do is tell her the whole truth. I just wouldn't do it now if I were you. Ages 10-16 is already a nightmare time for girls and you mentioned that your daughter is particularly sensitive. Could do irreversible damage to tell her now. I would wait until she's an adult honestly. Hopefully by then she'll be mature enough to process and understand it.

[Chuckbrook]

Yea. Do that. She should be the one calling the shots. Actually.


Good luck bruh.
I asked my wife about it again today and she doesn't have the desire to tell her. She said if our daughter asked about it she would tell her the truth, but other than that she sees no reason to. So I guess it's settled then. :cheers:

-Brook

[9erempiree]

Just what I expected your wife to say -or- any other woman because of shame on their part.

You two are most likely going to take this secret to the grave with you.

Every time you look at your daughter this truth will be lurking as it always does. It didn't before because you didn't think of telling her.

You have no reason to tell her and you are stressed about it. It is the mother's duty to tell her and your wife is scared too.

[Myth]

Just what I expected your wife to say -or- any other woman because of shame on their part.

You two are most likely going to take this secret to the grave with you.

Every time you look at your daughter this truth will be lurking as it always does. It didn't before because you didn't think of telling her.

You have no reason to tell her and you are stressed about it. It is the mother's duty to tell her and your wife is scared too.

I strongly disagree. I think both parents should be there if it is shared because they both took part in not sharing earlier.

[brantonli]

I asked my wife about it again today and she doesn't have the desire to tell her. She said if our daughter asked about it she would tell her the truth, but other than that she sees no reason to. So I guess it's settled then. :cheers:

-Brook


Good decision for now. Far too young to learn about it. But if she ever does learn about it and react badly, I'd say you should definitely consider this line from a previous poster:


Man that girl lucked out... got knocked up by someone who didn't stick around and then you came in and saved the day.


If for whatever reason she found out, and became distant because you aren't her biological father, then I think introducing the above reasoning would be a great way to bond again, since you showed you love her as much as the other kids.

Good luck if you eventually have to tell her.

[russwest0]

yes, yes, yes

tell her the instant she is able to understand. don't put that shit off until she is 15 or she will seriously resent you

[Chuckbrook]

I asked him, he never said if he did
I have the same love for ALL of my kids. I don't treat her or love her any different because she's not my biological kid. I've loved and cared for her since she was a baby.

-Brook

[Chuckbrook]

are you gonna be mad if she turns out better looking then your real kids?
:biggums:

No, Why would I be upset over something like that? That's silly.

-Brook

[STATUTORY]

depends on your relationship with her. if you tell her she might become paranoid then finecomb your interactions with her for any hint of bias or prejudice. if that's not a concern, i think she has a right to know. she will probably want to seek out her birth father, and that's something you probably have to respect

[SpecialQue]

That's some tough shit right there. I'm of the mind that sooner rather than later is the best approach. If you tell her now it'll be difficult for her, but at least she can begin to understand and put any resentment behind her. If you keep delaying it you're only increasing the chance of her hating that you took so long. As long as you're a good father and she knows that you love her, it should help ease the pain that this kind of revelation is going to bring.

[Bandito]

I think you should tell her. If she somehow finds out in the future is not going to be pretty.

[TheMarkMadsen]

yes, when she gets older she will respect you for being upfront and honest about it

she'll love you either way, you raised her.

[zoom17]

http://rumorsontheinternets.files.wordpress.com/2011/01/notthefatherp1.gif
Hopefully your daughter doesn't have that reaction
:oldlol:

[9erempiree]

I wouldn't tell her myself.

Like I said, it is the mother's job.

If they wait till she is all grown up, just blame everything on the mother.

Here are some excuses to think about when she starts to resent you as a father. Something to remember:

"I wanted to tell you but your mother didn't want me to."

"Your mother cheated on me and I found you were not my real child but I still love you."

"Your mother was in a love triangle. As soon as she got pregnant, he left. I thought you were mine but you weren't. I still loved you and raised you."

Like I said, you will never look bad in the situation. It is the mother. Pretty much the mother doesn't care what happens because she is married now. The daughter will resent the mother. OP can pretend he thought he was the real father of the baby.

[Smoke117]

A father is someone who raises their children. This other guy is a sperm donor. She may not have your DNA, but you've loved her as if she was your own daughter, took care of her, fed her...you are her father. I'd say wait till she's 18 and an adult and then tell her.

[9erempiree]

It is no longer about "should he tell her" it is about how bad of a mother she is and to be 2 months pregnant and hooking up with another person so soon afterwards, should say a lot.

OP was the meal ticket. Not financially but he was a meal ticket for being the father of her child. Big dap to the OP for taking care of the child as his own and big dap to him for wanting to tell the truth but it is really not his job.

OP should be questioning the integrity of his wife.

[Myth]

A father is someone who raises their children. This other guy is a sperm donor. She may not have your DNA, but you've loved her as if she was your own daughter, took care of her, fed her...you are her father. I'd say wait till she's 18 and an adult and then tell her.

Actually, the term father refers to the biological donor of sperm, the term dad refers to the person who assumes responsibility.

[9erempiree]

A father is someone who raises their children. This other guy is a sperm donor. She may not have your DNA, but you've loved her as if she was your own daughter, took care of her, fed her...you are her father. I'd say wait till she's 18 and an adult and then tell her.

They need to do the right thing.

I don't see any danger in telling her now but I do see consequences in the future if they wait so late or even tell her at all. Which I don't see how they can live with themselves for not doing so.

Look, if the OP is listening, if he was to tell her and the mother is scared to do so, tell her this...

"I know that your mother was 2 months pregnant with you and your biological father left. Knowing all of this, I loved you and your mother so much that I wanted to start a family with you two. So we got married. I don't see you as someone's daughter but mine. I knew I was getting involved with 2 people here and that is with you and your mother."

Easy as that.

[dkmwise]

First off mad props brooks. Takes a big man to do something like that, no joke.

For anyone out there who doesn't have kids and questions if in this situation you would feel like this kid is really yours, I can tell you that if you raise a child from the time they are born and are active in raising them, it wouldn't matter if you found out they weren't biologically yours, they are still your kids the same.

Now for the question about telling her. You have to tell her, it's just a matter of when. Not sure if anyone else mentioned this but at some point she's going to need to know her biological parents medical history and it will have to come out then. I think you're right that it will mess with her a little bit wondering why her 'father' wouldn't stick around but thats just somethign will have to deal with. I think if you wait too long like till she's 18 she might get upset and feel like you lied to her. No great answer but at this point probably sooner than later is best.

[Rojogaqu11]

I would definitely do some research on the topic, testimonies, etc.

I don't know you very well OP but from I've read, you seem like a great father.
Because of that I'm leaning towards advising you to tell her as soon as possible.

This is my reasoning:

-You are already thinking about it. It seems that there may be something you haven't mentioned that is making you think about revealing that truth. It may very well be something implicit.

-Your daughter is at the age where sexual awareness is becoming real for her, and she is the product of a less than ideal sexual encounter.
If you and your wife tell her the truth, she will probably develop a strong value against that type of sexual encounters IF you and your wife's marriage is a strong example what she wishes to strive for.

-In that sense, opening up to her will bring more positives than negatives. Because it will not only contrast the worth and truth between your relationship with her mother, and her deadbeat biological father's relationship with her mother, but it will also affirm the trust and love you have for your daughter as you see her growing into an adult.

-As long as you are now in a place where your daughter is completely sure of your love for her, her mother and siblings, then even if the initial reaction is emotional, she will grow more grateful as time goes on. If your daughter has any small doubts of that love, your affection is lacking in some way, or she is currently dealing with a different difficulty, I would advise to first bring your WHOLE family to a place where they are ALL ready to embrace the truth in love.

-This is a situation where both you and your wife have to be responsible. Your wife has to be the one explaining the details of her experience as she found love in a tough situation. She should be the one lifting you up in your daughter's presence as a husband and father. After that, then you will be the one to express your love for your wife in front of your daughter. That way she will know that even though the past was not ideal, you are grateful to have this family as it is now. That you did not blame anyone or reject her mother because of her (your daughter), but you were ready to take on the challenge because of love.

That is what's important in this situation. Disclosing the truth should only work to strengthen the love that is already there. It can only build your daughter's character as she grows into a woman. And then your daughter will most likely grow to see herself with a man with the values that you both taught her and the character and love that you as a man has firmly established.

Your interaction may change slightly, but the love and trust, even if they seem no longer innocent, will grow broader and tougher to break.

Just an opinion.

[jdiaby]

It is no longer about "should he tell her" it is about how bad of a mother she is and to be 2 months pregnant and hooking up with another person so soon afterwards, should say a lot.

OP was the meal ticket. Not financially but he was a meal ticket for being the father of her child. Big dap to the OP for taking care of the child as his own and big dap to him for wanting to tell the truth but it is really not his job.

OP should be questioning the integrity of his wife.

Pretty Much This!!! The OP shouldn't be saying anything, its the wife's job and he should be supporting her. OP if you care for her like you say, then you should encourage for her to know the truth because there is whole other side to her genetic make up(family of the biological father) whether the biological father is involved or not. Maybe the biological father has had a change of heart, who knows, but OP you are NOT THE FATHER, you helped raise her but she will always wonder about her "real" dad and his side of the family, you were just temporary solution to ease the mother's shame till "your" daughter was able to find out the truth, sorry....

[9erempiree]

I asked my wife about it again today and she doesn't have the desire to tell her. She said if our daughter asked about it she would tell her the truth, but other than that she sees no reason to. So I guess it's settled then. :cheers:

-Brook
:facepalm

Not settled at all.

If she asks? She never knew bro.

If you value her like your own then you tell her. Secrets like this is not good to keep.

I think your wife is looking out for her (wife) best interest here. The two of you seem scared to deal with the consequences. Actually her, since you have the notion to think about telling your daughter the truth.

Like I mentioned earlier, you have nothing to worry about because your wife should be propping you up like a Captain Save 'Em or a King and evidently she should, considering what you have done.

[Godzuki]

ignorance is bliss~

[Draz]

She has the right to know honestly don't rob her of that. But you are the father. And she will love you even more. Good job.

[niko]

Actually, the term father refers to the biological donor of sperm, the term dad refers to the person who assumes responsibility.
The term dumbass refers to 90% of the posters in this thread.

[flipogb]

4 good times:

1. When they're so young they just accept it.
2. When they ask why they don't look like you (if it notices).
3. When they're out of college.
4. If the scumbag shows up and tries to get back in the picture.

and unfortunately in this case, i think #1 doesn't apply anymore by age 12. something like 6 or 8 would have been better i think.

[cuad]

exciting dilemma.