rufuspaul
06-12-2014, 03:42 PM
http://screamer.deadspin.com/the-hater-s-guide-to-the-2014-world-cup-1588867715
Some of these are hilarious.
GROUP A(ssholes)
Brazil: The home team. Land of thongs and garbage heaps! It's amazing that we're about to waste a month of everyone's time on this tournament when it's just gonna end with Brazil hoisting up the trophy and grinning like the entitled ***** that they are. What a letdown. Why even bother? To get to the average World Cup game, you will have to slalom through a harbor strewn with bloated corpses and fight off sentient armies of giant flying cockroaches that have evolved to feel real emotion. It's not worth it.
And yes, Brazil has its charms. People are naked there ALL THE TIME, and you can get hot meat carved for you in many different locations. But that meat will give you the wet beriberi. We're talking serious war diarrhea. And that gorgeous lady grinding against you at the local street fair? Turns out she's a diehard Catholic and won't let you feel her boob until you've met all 90 of her family members. Also, spiders. Brazil is a beautiful lie.
GROUP B(itches)
Spain: Defending champs and the people responsible for $300 prix fixe restaurants where you sniff a burning twig of rosemary before biting into a gummi bear that turns out to be a cube of beef broth. There are many good reasons to hate Spain. They speak Spanish with a terrible lisp. They will torture you using a testicle press if you do not proclaim undying fealty to the Catholic Church (I think this is still true there). They hate any portion of food that actually satisfies your appetite. And, worst of all, they live well. They eat lots of cured ham and drink lots of wine and take naps every day. And you wonder why half that nation is out of work. YOUR WORK ETHIC REPULSES ME, SPAIN.
England: AHAHAHAHAHA YOU HAVE NO SHOT. None. Zero. You are the Knicks of soccer. If only your national team could make like your EPL teams and import legitimately talented players from nations that aren't populated exclusively with ginger albinos who have a moping complex. Instead, you get the corpse of Wayne Rooney. Is David Beckham still on this team? David Beckham was ****ing terrible. "Oh, but he was so good at corner kicks!" Well, that's brilliant. A player who excels only when the opposing team is dumb enough to accidentally boot the ball behind its own net. WHAT AN ASSET.
Let's talk briefly about England as a whole, because England is Ireland without the fun. English people like mayonnaise, lawn bowling, maintaining an antiquated class system, and ABBA, in that order. It's a relative's home that you dread visiting.
Some of these are hilarious.
GROUP A(ssholes)
Brazil: The home team. Land of thongs and garbage heaps! It's amazing that we're about to waste a month of everyone's time on this tournament when it's just gonna end with Brazil hoisting up the trophy and grinning like the entitled ***** that they are. What a letdown. Why even bother? To get to the average World Cup game, you will have to slalom through a harbor strewn with bloated corpses and fight off sentient armies of giant flying cockroaches that have evolved to feel real emotion. It's not worth it.
And yes, Brazil has its charms. People are naked there ALL THE TIME, and you can get hot meat carved for you in many different locations. But that meat will give you the wet beriberi. We're talking serious war diarrhea. And that gorgeous lady grinding against you at the local street fair? Turns out she's a diehard Catholic and won't let you feel her boob until you've met all 90 of her family members. Also, spiders. Brazil is a beautiful lie.
GROUP B(itches)
Spain: Defending champs and the people responsible for $300 prix fixe restaurants where you sniff a burning twig of rosemary before biting into a gummi bear that turns out to be a cube of beef broth. There are many good reasons to hate Spain. They speak Spanish with a terrible lisp. They will torture you using a testicle press if you do not proclaim undying fealty to the Catholic Church (I think this is still true there). They hate any portion of food that actually satisfies your appetite. And, worst of all, they live well. They eat lots of cured ham and drink lots of wine and take naps every day. And you wonder why half that nation is out of work. YOUR WORK ETHIC REPULSES ME, SPAIN.
England: AHAHAHAHAHA YOU HAVE NO SHOT. None. Zero. You are the Knicks of soccer. If only your national team could make like your EPL teams and import legitimately talented players from nations that aren't populated exclusively with ginger albinos who have a moping complex. Instead, you get the corpse of Wayne Rooney. Is David Beckham still on this team? David Beckham was ****ing terrible. "Oh, but he was so good at corner kicks!" Well, that's brilliant. A player who excels only when the opposing team is dumb enough to accidentally boot the ball behind its own net. WHAT AN ASSET.
Let's talk briefly about England as a whole, because England is Ireland without the fun. English people like mayonnaise, lawn bowling, maintaining an antiquated class system, and ABBA, in that order. It's a relative's home that you dread visiting.