Any Writers Here?

[DonDadda59]

I know Zen and a couple of others here are wordsmiths. Anyone interested in doing an informal writer's collective here? I recently started getting into writing screenplays (mostly shorts and a pilot). I'd like to get some feedback on it and all the people I know IRL are degenerate potheads/drunks who can barely tie their own shoes let alone read.

It could be anything- short stories, screenplays, poems (looking forward to spare of the moment part deux), creative trolling, etc.

You phags interested? :confusedshrug:

[BasedTom]

Yes.

[SugarHill]

Yes

[Suguru101]

I'm in.

[Draz]

Yes.

[Theoo]

me

[Im Still Ballin]

Look don

I've had my people look over the contract

It's a generous amount

I'm in.

[ZeN]

I have stuff or can create stuff.

[Im Still Ballin]

My manager has specifically mentioned the Tivo clause in the contract,

Anything less than a 1080p HD 24/7 Tivo service is unacceptable

If it's no Tivo, it's no me.

[Im Still Ballin]

http://33.media.tumblr.com/4b6f2901c0022b3d2ee9176c4d1eed5e/tumblr_nb3s5gYdrI1qgkz8qo3_400.gif

[DonDadda59]

http://d22zlbw5ff7yk5.cloudfront.net/images/cm-23138-050624abe3a9e6.jpeg

Post away. I'll kick it off with episode one of a show that will most likely never see the light of day:

https://www.stage32.com/sites/stage32.com/files/assets/screenplay/373449/screenplay_373449_184656_1432008024.pdf


I have stuff or can create stuff.

All stuff is welcome here, brother.

[gts]

I've been writing (in my head) the same book for 4 years when i go to bed... it's how i fall alseep :lol

one of these days i'll put it down but i wouldn't know where to start.. good story too :lol

[ZeN]

'A Fiery Furnace to Acquire Absolution'


Fire used to purify..

The flames they consequently consume

Cauterizing the compulsions

Incineration to an everlasting fume


Fire cremation to attain tranquility

The flames divulge and they unveil

A new perpetual prosperity

A burning condition.. liberation of the frail



- ZeN

[SugarHill]

'bounce'


bounce



- Sugarhill

[Jailblazers7]

Yeah sure, I'll participate and give feedback. I write off and on (mostly short stories or just random essays) but it's hard to stay consistent without sharing with people who have a common interest. I probably won't be on ISH much this week because I'll be on site with a client for work but this weekend I'll check back in and take a look at what has been posted.

I used to want to write poetry but then I actually read some of the greats (Whitman, Shelley, Blake, etc) and realized I could never write anything remotely good.

[ZeN]

:yaohappy:
'Ghetto Haiku '

That movie sucked
Bad Boys 2
F*ck Michael Bay

-ZeN

[DonDadda59]

'A Fiery Furnace to Acquire Absolution'


Fire used to purify..

The flames they consequently consume

Cauterizing the compulsions

Incineration to an everlasting fume


Fire cremation to attain tranquility

The flames divulge and they unveil

A new perpetual prosperity

A burning condition.. liberation of the frail



- ZeN


I don't know much about poetry, but I like it. :applause:




'bounce'


bounce



- Sugarhill

I know a lot about real nigguh shit, and I fux with this. :pimp:

[oarabbus]

:yaohappy:

lets see your poetry

[Akrazotile]

"Accused"

I am not.
Alone.

I am with.
She and I are.

Together.

In a hotel room in Colorado.

I hear.
I hear.

The word no.
But I say.

The word Yes.

Shaq does it. So can I.

If I am caught.
I will snitch.

I line up my Money Shot.
But I miss.
I am 6/24.

[DonDadda59]

"Accused"

I am not.
Alone.

I am with.
She and I are.

Together.

In a hotel room in Colorado.

I hear.
I hear.

The word no.
But I say.

The word Yes.

Shaq does it. So can I.

If I am caught.
I will snitch.

I line up my Money Shot.
But I miss.
I am 6/24.

http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m7jgmuOb8z1rpya30.gif

[JEFFERSON MONEY]

Can be a grammarian/idea generator guy

[highwhey]

Can be a grammarian/idea generator guy
What bothers me about you is that youre a mfing poet but it's like you don't realize it or care for it.

The coolest thing you've done(that you showed me) is appear in that music video on YouTube, yet you could be writing some legit material that would be published and communicated to a mass of people.

[L.Kizzle]

I mess wit that pen and paper.

[pauk]

We need to get Theoo in on this shit!

[JEFFERSON MONEY]

What bothers me about you is that youre a mfing poet but it's like you don't realize it or care for it.

The coolest thing you've done(that you showed me) is appear in that music video on YouTube, yet you could be writing some legit material that would be published and communicated to a mass of people.

Gonna punish myself in the gym and drop about 6 addictions. Thanks for being the Affleck to my Damon. Although gotta keep that music video thing a secret.

[highwhey]

Gonna punish myself in the gym and drop about 6 addictions. Thanks for being the Affleck to my Damon. Although gotta keep that music video thing a secret.
I only want you to best that you can be. And of all the posters, you have the most potential. Seriously Ash, you're tenfold talented as everyone on here. If you ever want to visit AZ, you've a place to stay
. I'll take you out to the desert and show you how these native americans lived.

[riseagainst]

i write erotic short stories and post them on online forums. Any requests?

[RedBlackAttack]

I was a newspaper reporter for almost 10 years. That included a good bit of feature writing, though I'd have no idea where to start on a screenplay. I can help you with AP Style. lol

[DonDadda59]

http://cdn.makeagif.com/media/5-19-2015/Q_mmUu.gif

I said creative trolling... man


I was a newspaper reporter for almost 10 years. That included a good bit of feature writing, though I'd have no idea where to start on a screenplay. I can help you with AP Style. lol

I've never taken any sort of formal writing class so anything you told me, I'd probably believe it :lol

[triangleoffense]

Literature/philosophy minor. Ended up majoring in "hard sciences" (physical therapy).Quite an interesting undergraduate career.

[Lebron23]

:oldlol: :oldlol: :oldlol:

[DonDadda59]

:oldlol: :oldlol: :oldlol:

:confusedshrug:

[Lebron23]

:confusedshrug:


Wrong Thread. I thought I was posting in the Simon Thread.

[Jasi]

I used to write poems and short stories until a few years ago.
In Italian though.
Not sure if I can help.

[DonDadda59]

Alarming lack of talent on this site.

[DonD13]

i spit dat 19th century spiritual russian existentialist reality shit

**** with me

[Akrazotile]

Alarming lack of talent on this site.


^ That aint no "breakin news", foo!

Next time youre out in LA hit me up and lets shoot some vids.

[BigBoss]

I write love letters to girls in prison.

[Batzman]

Got this joke about 40s porn.

[Suguru101]

Little one that deals with a pretty common problem amongst young people.


I want it all, but not now…


You are quitting. Your motivation is dozing off. You say you don’t enjoy it anymore, that you had fancied yourself something you are re not.

But that’s not the reason, isn’t it?

The way you walk shouts it; your words make dirt look transparent. You do want to be a writer; you want to be one of the greats.

Yet you are running from the dirty work, the typing, the thinking.
You would love to imagine something, and have it instantly edited and ready to sell. To say “that could be better”, and have the words switch to suit your taste.

You are a sloth with high aspirations. You want a kingdom, but even sitting a throne would be too harsh an accommodation.

-HP

[DonDadda59]

[QUOTE=Suguru101]Little one that deals with a pretty common problem amongst young people.


[B][SIZE="2"]I want it all, but not now

[Jailblazers7]

http://d22zlbw5ff7yk5.cloudfront.net/images/cm-23138-050624abe3a9e6.jpeg

Post away. I'll kick it off with episode one of a show that will most likely never see the light of day:

https://www.stage32.com/sites/stage32.com/files/assets/screenplay/373449/screenplay_373449_184656_1432008024.pdf



All stuff is welcome here, brother.

Reading it now and taking stream of consciousness notes as I go:

1. Cigar seems kinda out of place for a mid 20s dude at the beginning. I'd probably go with a cigarette. A cigar and a cigarette have certain impacts on a character on screen, especially in an opening scene like this. I think a cigarette would work better for the character.

2. Loreana and Cam convo makes them too charicatury I think. I think it would help if Cam's dialogue was a little shorter and more vague so his dissatisfaction with the banality of his relationship is subtext. For example, instead of the "You've said nothing of value" part of the convo Cam could say something like "Gossip and interesting conversation are not the same thing" and that's it. As if trying to explain why she is uninteresting is already a lost cause.

3. Wedding scene. I think it'd help build the character a little to have Cam sort of standing alone as Sunshine approaches (probably from behind) where he gives a small smile/smirk looking at the slow dancing couple. Basically to express the fact that he is happy to see a couple in love before trashing marriage. That way it sort of expresses the fact that he believes in the validity of intimacy and relationships but doesn't think marriage isn't important symbolically.

4. I liked the Achilles joke a lot. Actually made me laugh out loud.

5. I imagine Chopper talking with a sort of controlled rage when talking about the severity of the situation but I think it could go either way. Probably one of those things that gets sorted out over a couple takes if it were being shot. I think I like the idea of Chop being more scared than angry tho because it's a nice play on the naivete of youth that Cam blows off his concerns to a degree.

6. I'd probably add a little more stage direction for Spider. Some pacing the room or something during the conversation.

7. I like the Demo and Milo. A show like this would need a couple myopic degenerate type who exist on the periphery of actual organized crime. I think they have a nice balance between them too with Demo being the loose canon and Milo being a more introspective character.

8. Close of the episode was strong.

[DonDadda59]

Reading it now and taking stream of consciousness notes as I go:

1. Cigar seems kinda out of place for a mid 20s dude at the beginning. I'd probably go with a cigarette. A cigar and a cigarette have certain impacts on a character on screen, especially in an opening scene like this. I think a cigarette would work better for the character.

Gotta be a cigar :no:

The inspiration for that scene came when I was researching the red camera when it first came out. I stumbled on a youtube vid of DiCaprio shot by Fincher using the red.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rLxQiI8c1Bs

Gotta be a cigar.

On a semi-related note, last Friday I was celebrating a friend's birthday and after some drinking we snuck into the Forest Hills Tennis Stadium at night. That's my ideal setting for that shot now.


2. Loreana and Cam convo makes them too charicatury I think. I think it would help if Cam's dialogue was a little shorter and more vague so his dissatisfaction with the banality of his relationship is subtext. For example, instead of the "You've said nothing of value" part of the convo Cam could say something like "Gossip and interesting conversation are not the same thing" and that's it. As if trying to explain why she is uninteresting is already a lost cause.

That ain't a word I ever hear of :crazysam:

But I get what you're saying. I think I made him out to be sort of a too-honest 'asshole' as she calls him.


3. Wedding scene. I think it'd help build the character a little to have Cam sort of standing alone as Sunshine approaches (probably from behind) where he gives a small smile/smirk looking at the slow dancing couple. Basically to express the fact that he is happy to see a couple in love before trashing marriage. That way it sort of expresses the fact that he believes in the validity of intimacy and relationships but doesn't think marriage isn't important symbolically.

That's an idea.


4. I liked the Achilles joke a lot. Actually made me laugh out loud.

:D


5. I imagine Chopper talking with a sort of controlled rage when talking about the severity of the situation but I think it could go either way. Probably one of those things that gets sorted out over a couple takes if it were being shot. I think I like the idea of Chop being more scared than angry tho because it's a nice play on the naivete of youth that Cam blows off his concerns to a degree.

Yup, that's what I was going for. Chopper's a low level associate, and he's happy with that position. Like with the story he told about his friend during his youth- he's not a guy who wants 'more' than he has. He's a pragmatist and has been around long enough to see what happens to guys like Spider, and those around them that are affected by their actions.


6. I'd probably add a little more stage direction for Spider. Some pacing the room or something during the conversation.

Pointless pacing is one of those 'indicator' pet peeves that irks me as an actor. No different than cliches like wringing hands or the 'woe is me' hand on forehead gesture. But I'm not overly concerned with stage direction unless its necessary for plot/the characters.


7. I like the Demo and Milo. A show like this would need a couple myopic degenerate type who exist on the periphery of actual organized crime. I think they have a nice balance between them too with Demo being the loose canon and Milo being a more introspective character.

I agree.


8. Close of the episode was strong.

That's what they call a bookend :pimp:

Appreciate you taking the time to give nice feedback. :cheers:

Definitely will go back and do another draft or two. Already onto episode 3. The traditional drama is 45 pages I think but I keep my page count low, in the 20-25 range, because I think it might be better suited as a web series.

[Jailblazers7]

Yeah I totally made up that word lol. The cigar thing makes more sense since it has a specific inspiration.

No problem to go through and give some feedback. Always interesting to see someone trying to exercise some creativity. :cheers:

[andgar923]

I used to write play scripts as part of my old job, Im not expert tho and most of them were skits and whatnot.

I do shy away from pretentious shit tho.

I don't like it when dudes try uber hard to be laureates, just write man.