Please review an essay I am doing for an internship

[Bandito]

I am applying for an internship in FogCreek (http://www.fogcreek.com/jobs/summerintern/) and they are asking for a reason of why they should choose me. Well I am not a writer and English is not my main language so I need all the help I can get. For now if you have any advice of what to add just tell it in a post, but I mostly need help with my grammar since I am not an English speaker. Please don't post idiotic comments or any insults without reason please.


I believe I have all the requirement needed to shine at the tasks the internship entails. I have 4 months of IT experience during my summer internships where I was exposed to networking and technical support duties. I was also given the task to develop an application that sorted and displayed in an organized matter the information that was in a database. Because of my outstanding performance I was invited to do another summer internship and gave me even more responsibilities.

During my last semester I was given the task to develop an Android app. Using NodeJS, Cordova as the server side framework and Ionic and AngularJS as the front end framework I developed a directory of recipes. The app offers easy recipes derived from the user choosing the ingredients that he or she has available to them. I used the Azure mobile services as the backend for the data storage in order to familiarize myself with these popular services.

I developed my English communication skills when I was on the Air Force from working with high ranking officers and noncommissioned officers in the Healthcare field. Coming straight from Puerto Rico I quickly grasped the English language could express myself in the native language or in Spanish which is an important asset to have in any field of expertise.





I edited the quote. Doing a CV pretty much.

[Patrick Chewing]

I'm not gonna read the whole thing, but the first sentence sounds very unprofessional. You do not want to label yourself as "that guy".

I would take that part out, and after the word "problem", I would write, "then look no further".

[stalkerforlife]

Your content may be good, but your grammar is poor.

[Akrazotile]

It's very cliche, and indeed the grammar is poor.

I would legit be willing to do a re-write for you in exchange for a $15 GoFundMe donation.

In all seriousness, too. Not at all trying to sound kidding or condescending. I'll make the thing sound quite nice, and obviously this is an important piece of writing. If it was just a few sentences I'd help you out for free, but that's kind of a long essay to do pro bono, es

[verylegit]

You gotta be more creative with your word play: "and helpdesk stuff" how about "and help desk tasks"

[DCL]

It's quite evident you're not a native speaker. Perhaps throw in some bullshit story that you only learned English two years ago.

Or pay someone to rewrite the whole thing for you.

The thing needs a lot of work. A LOT.

[stalkerforlife]

[QUOTE=Akrazotile]It's very cliche, and indeed the grammar is poor.

I would legit be willing to do a re-write for you in exchange for a $15 GoFundMe donation.

In all seriousness, too. Not at all trying to sound kidding or condescending. I'll make the thing sound quite nice, and obviously this is an important piece of writing. If it was just a few sentences I'd help you out for free, but that's kind of a long essay to do pro bono, es

[Patrick Chewing]

You gotta be more creative with your word play: "and helpdesk stuff" how about "and help desk tasks"


LOL yeah you definitely don't want to use the word "stuff".

[KevinNYC]

I am applying for an internship in FogCreek (http://www.fogcreek.com/jobs/summerintern/) and they are asking for a reason of why they should choose me. Well I am not a writer and English is not my main language so I need all the help I can get. For now if you have any advice of what to add just tell it in a post, but I mostly need help with my grammar since I am not an English speaker. Please don't post idiotic comments or any insults without reason please.
What do you know about Fogcreek?
Have used Trello or generic Kanban before? Fogbugz?

Have you read Joel's blog?

You may want talk about why you are picking Fogcreek.

[ArbitraryWater]

Just came here to say your English stinks.

[StephHamann]

Just came here to say your English stinks.

Is he black?

[ArbitraryWater]

Is he black?

oh no :roll: dont

[ISHGoat]

Is he black?

What does religion have to do with this?

[Velocirap31]

I'm at work on Christmas Eve so I'll spend my morning editing your essay. I'll post it when I'm finished. I'm not an English major, but my grammar is fine.

[nathanjizzle]

Wow, do you even know how to separate your paragraphs? your whole essay is one ****ing paragraph. Any interviewer would immediately think you are incompetent just by looking at your essay. Structure your essay in a readable format and people might consider enduring reading something your simple mind generated.

as a boss, i look for employees who have a passion and talent for what they are doing, are motivated and have a personal interest in contributing to the growth of the company and not just an employee who makes a paycheck. This is something an interviewer or a boss wants to hear and is a must to include the words passion, talent, contribute, growth. and also, include that you want to learn from experience as well. theres nothing more a turnoff than a know it all who wants to get hired, every job requires learning from experience no matter how tenured you are.

[Bandito]

Thank you for all the ideas I got from you guys, directly and indirectly. (Specially about the struggle learning the language, I have a lot of stories about that)When I post things to review I am going to make sure it's put in shorter (4 sentences) paragraphs. I'll post an update later in the day.

[Bandito]

What do you know about Fogcreek?
Have used Trello or generic Kanban before? Fogbugz?

Have you read Joel's blog?

You may want talk about why you are picking Fogcreek.
Ok, I will do that. I read Joel's blog, that's how I found out about the internship. Was googling for "Comp Sci student graduate next steps" :lol

[Bandito]

Wow, do you even know how to separate your paragraphs? your whole essay is one ****ing paragraph. Any interviewer would immediately think you are incompetent just by looking at your essay. Structure your essay in a readable format and people might consider enduring reading something your simple mind generated.

as a boss, i look for employees who have a passion and talent for what they are doing, are motivated and have a personal interest in contributing to the growth of the company and not just an employee who makes a paycheck. This is something an interviewer or a boss wants to hear and is a must to include the words passion, talent, contribute, growth. and also, include that you want to learn from experience as well. theres nothing more a turnoff than a know it all who wants to get hired, every job requires learning from experience no matter how tenured you are.

Actually that's 6 paragraphs I have there. I copy pasted from a .docx so the formatting wasn't copy pasted too.

Main problem with me is grammar because I am not an English speaker. :)

[Bandito]

Just came here to say your English stinks.
Hi my very own stalker! It's been awhile my friend. How's the NBA forum?

Joking about the stalker thingy ;)

[Akrazotile]

I'm at work on Christmas Eve so I'll spend my morning editing your essay. I'll post it when I'm finished. I'm not an English major, but my grammar is fine.

If you only edit the grammar, the essay might appear more technically professional but it won't separate him as a candidate. The anecdotes are described in very cliche fashion and even with commas and correct use of conjunctions, it's still going to sound like it was written by a guy who hasn't been writing in English for very long. It needs more 'umph.' It needs more melody. It needs to sound like this guy is a step ahead of the other applicants.

OP, do you just want a grammatically-correct essay, or do you want a good shot at actually getting the internship?

Let me write the thing for you and it'll probably increase your chances by 50%. For a chance to get an internship you really want, seems like a worthwhile investment of 15 bucks to me.

[Velocirap31]

Why am I the best fit for the internship?

When I was in active duty for the United States Air Force, I built a strong reputation as someone who looked out for others and helped them with any problems. For example, there was a patient that had problems breathing and my co-worker asked me for help. His patient

[ISHGoat]

Why am I the best fit for the internship?

When I was in active duty for the United States Air Force, I built a strong reputation as someone who looked out for others and helped them with any problems. For example, there was a patient that had problems breathing and my co-worker asked me for help. His patient’s nurse wanted to help the patient via tracheal intubation and called the doctor in order to get the approval. I began to question why the patient’s oxygen saturation was so low when he had been fine a few hours earlier. Looking for an alternate solution to help the patient, I noticed that the Hi-Flow oxygen mask he was using had a humidifier connected to the circuit. This is a p since the humidifier quickly fills with water and clogs the small diameter oxygen tube. I changed the patient over to a high pressure ventilator mask and the patient quickly recovered. This solution saved the patient from having to undergo an invasive procedure with the tracheal intubation.

While in the military, I spontaneously began reading an O’Reilly Python book that dealt with computer programming. I was enthralled with the possibilities that programming offered and taught myself basic coding through reading and practice. After leaving active duty in 2013, I went to college in order to study computer science and further my abilities with coding.

The college primarily taught C++ and Visual Basic. Additionally, I learned C# in my free time in order to make an app for the Windows Mobile operating system. I developed an app that would generate a random quoted message from a website and display it every day at a time of the user’s choice. In addition to the courses I completed through college, I furthered my skills with C++ further by completing many exercises offered in programming literature. Coding is something that I enjoy so much, that I tend to spend a majority of my free time learning new things and improving my skills.

I was fortunate enough to be chosen for an internship with the Government Development Bank of Puerto Rico, where my tasks involved networking and the help desk. In one instance, my supervisor needed an app and I was given the chance to create it using whichever technology I wished. I chose a WPF application since most of our computers used Windows 7 and the 4.0 .Net Framework. The app requisite was to connect to a database that stored the application licenses for all the employees’ software and neatly arrange them into a table. I chose to take my supervisor’s app requirements a step further and added a search bar where it query by application name and user name. The following summer, I interned once again at this same bank. One of my tasks involved editing an outdated ASP.NET webpage and making it compatible with HTML5 tags.

I am currently developing and learning NodeJS, Angular 1 & 2 for front end and Typescript/JavaScript. Most of my coding is done with javascript, but I am looking to add typescript to my web programming because of the strong typing capabilities it brings to any platform. In my GitHub, I have two examples of codes I made using NodeJS in visual studio. One is a webpage and the other is an app made using the Cordova framework and AngularJS.

The name of the webpage is Bagua, which was made for a class, and uses the Bootstrap 3 framework for the UI. The page’s intention is to present information to adults involving conservation of the sea while also presenting the information in a child-friendly format. The homepage had two lists, one with a summary and links of recent news and the other with a list of blogs dedicated to the theme. There were additional tabs such as a video tab showing a list of YouTube videos, an about page, and a form page where the user was intended to register for a recurring newsletter.

The android app was made using Cordova and was called Cibum. This app was developed for another class and is a directory of simple recipes aimed at kids. The app offers easy recipes derived from the user choosing the ingredients that he or she has available to them. I used the Azure mobile services as the backend for the data storage in order to familiarize myself with these popular services. The app worked as expected.

In conclusion,

In conclusion, OP owes a portion of every one of his paycheques to you :roll:

Merry Christmas OP, enjoy Velocirap's gift to you

[West-Side]

I'm not going to read that entire thing, but it's not good when I notice a grammatical error within the first two sentences.

Proper way to start the 2nd sentence is as follows; "When I was on active duty..."

The thing I learned about these applications is you have to analyze the 3-4 most essential skills and tailor your letter around them, like a story. Make sure to use words they use in the job description and use many action words.

The first thing you should do is completely digest what is in the job ad.
I could post you a cover letter that landed me a job in KPMG, and you can see how structured my cover letter. It's not the same thing as a letter of interest, but it's similar.

The formatting is key though, your essay will be thrown in the garbage bin in 2 seconds if they actually see that's how you formatted it.

You can't just create one cluster **** of a paragraph dude.
But it's okay, you say English isn't your first language so I understand.

Perhaps try to get some resources to help you create the letter?
Like the career development office, job center etc.

I highly doubt you will get this internship with this current letter, unless you have very strong marks, references and personal brand [networking].

[West-Side]

[QUOTE=Velocirap31]Why am I the best fit for the internship?

When I was in active duty for the United States Air Force, I built a strong reputation as someone who looked out for others and helped them with any problems. For example, there was a patient that had problems breathing and my co-worker asked me for help. His patient

[Velocirap31]

Take my edited version and continue from it. I don't know much about computer programming, but I'd avoid explaining too much since it takes up too much space and I'm sure your reader knows more than you do about it.

[Velocirap31]

Pretty sure that's not right.
Shouldn't it say, when I was on active duty? :oldlol:

I don't know anything about the military either :lol

[West-Side]

I don't know anything about the military either :lol

Well, pretty sure in active; means you aren't on duty. "Inactive".
So being on active duty, you're actually apart of the service.

Just sounds off to me, but I'm no master with the English language either.

[Bandito]

Well, pretty sure in active; means you aren't on duty. "Inactive".
So being on active duty, you're actually apart of the service.

Just sounds off to me, but I'm no master with the English language either.
I think you are right. Now that I think about it my retired peers always say "When I was on active duty..."
Also trust me when I say the formatting looks way better on a .docx file. Formatting doesn't translate to the web for obvious reasons.


@Velociraptor: thanks man!!! I am actually rewriting it but I will take a lot of things you wrote and put it there. I will just make a shorter version of it.

Will post the updates later...

[Velocirap31]

Well, pretty sure in active; means you aren't on duty. "Inactive".
So being on active duty, you're actually apart of the service.

Just sounds off to me, but I'm no master with the English language either.

Oh, I see what you mean. That should be reworded for sure. No wonder English is hard to learn.

[Velocirap31]

I think you are right. Now that I think about it my retired peers always say "When I was on active duty..."
Also trust me when I say the formatting looks way better on a .docx file. Formatting doesn't translate to the web for obvious reasons.


@Velociraptor: thanks man!!! I am actually rewriting it but I will take a lot of things you wrote and put it there. I will just make a shorter version of it.

Will post the updates later...

Merry Christmas and good luck! :cheers:

[Velocirap31]

A few things I would change in bolded.....

Remove that second further, you already stated you furthered your skills.

Remove that comma, you do not want a pause right there, makes no sense.

Add something like Flawlessly, that sentence seems too short and bland for describing how your app turned out.

Velocirap did a good job fixing everything here tho, awesome job :cheers:

:cheers: Thanks. I tend to get carried away with commas.

[Akrazotile]

Why am I the best fit for the internship?

When I was in active duty for the United States Air Force, I built a strong reputation as someone who looked out for others and helped them with any problems. For example, there was a patient that had problems breathing and my co-worker asked me for help. His patient’s nurse wanted to help the patient via tracheal intubation and called the doctor in order to get the approval. I began to question why the patient’s oxygen saturation was so low when he had been fine a few hours earlier. Looking for an alternate solution to help the patient, I noticed that the Hi-Flow oxygen mask he was using had a humidifier connected to the circuit. This is a problem since the humidifier quickly fills with water and clogs the small diameter oxygen tube. I changed the patient over to a high pressure ventilator mask and the patient quickly recovered. This solution saved the patient from having to undergo an invasive procedure with the tracheal intubation.

While in the military, I spontaneously began reading an O’Reilly Python book that dealt with computer programming. I was enthralled with the possibilities that programming offered and taught myself basic coding through reading and practice. After leaving active duty in 2013, I went to college in order to study computer science and further my abilities with coding.

The college primarily taught C++ and Visual Basic. Additionally, I learned C# in my free time in order to make an app for the Windows Mobile operating system. I developed an app that would generate a random quoted message from a website and display it every day at a time of the user’s choice. In addition to the courses I completed through college, I furthered my skills with C++ further by completing many exercises offered in programming literature. Coding is something that I enjoy so much, that I tend to spend a majority of my free time learning new things and improving my skills.

I was fortunate enough to be chosen for an internship with the Government Development Bank of Puerto Rico, where my tasks involved networking and the help desk. In one instance, my supervisor needed an app and I was given the chance to create it using whichever technology I wished. I chose a WPF application since most of our computers used Windows 7 and the 4.0 .Net Framework. The app requisite was to connect to a database that stored the application licenses for all the employees’ software and neatly arrange them into a table. I chose to take my supervisor’s app requirements a step further and added a search bar where it query by application name and user name. The following summer, I interned once again at this same bank. One of my tasks involved editing an outdated ASP.NET webpage and making it compatible with HTML5 tags.

I am currently developing and learning NodeJS, Angular 1 & 2 for front end and Typescript/JavaScript. Most of my coding is done with javascript, but I am looking to add typescript to my web programming because of the strong typing capabilities it brings to any platform. In my GitHub, I have two examples of codes I made using NodeJS in visual studio. One is a webpage and the other is an app made using the Cordova framework and AngularJS.

The name of the webpage is Bagua, which was made for a class, and uses the Bootstrap 3 framework for the UI. The page’s intention is to present information to adults involving conservation of the sea while also presenting the information in a child-friendly format. The homepage had two lists, one with a summary and links of recent news and the other with a list of blogs dedicated to the theme. There were additional tabs such as a video tab showing a list of YouTube videos, an about page, and a form page where the user was intended to register for a recurring newsletter.

The android app was made using Cordova and was called Cibum. This app was developed for another class and is a directory of simple recipes aimed at kids. The app offers easy recipes derived from the user choosing the ingredients that he or she has available to them. I used the Azure mobile services as the backend for the data storage in order to familiarize myself with these popular services. The app worked as expected.

In conclusion,

Props to Velocirap for doing this. Very generous on his part.

It still has issues. I wouldn't go to the Air Force card right off the bat. Answer the question right away. "Why are you the best fit for the internship?"

"Well, when I was in the Air Force, I..."

Don't talk about the past. Tell them about the future first. WHY are you the best fit for the internship? What are you gonna bring from the second you get there? Then back it up with examples from the past, what you did in the military, etc.

Also, I'm not even angling for the 15 bucks here. You can fix that part of it up yourself. Give it more umph. You sound like you're trying really hard to convince them to pick you, almost begging. Tell them why they're out of their minds if they DONT pick you. Not that overtly, obviously. But make it clear that you're the right choice and you're gonna have options whether they pick you or don't, because someone IS gonna make the right choice and pick a difference maker like you.

Your essay is simple and sounds beta. Not your fault, obviously, because it's hard to confidently write in a language you're not native to. That's why you should either have me do it, or hell, hire someone else who does that kind of thing.

But if you really want a chance at getting hired, you need to make it more persuasive.

In any case, I wish you luck and do hope you get the gig :cheers:

[Bandito]

I believe I have all the requirement needed to shine at the tasks the internship entails. I have 4 months of IT experience during my summer internships where I was exposed to networking and technical support duties. I was also given the task to develop an application that sorted and displayed in an organized matter the information that was in a database. Because of my outstanding performance I was invited to do another summer internship and gave me even more responsibilities.
During my last semester I was given the task to develop an Android app. Using NodeJS, Cordova as the server side framework and Ionic and AngularJS as the front end framework I developed a directory of recipes. The app offers easy recipes derived from the user choosing the ingredients that he or she has available to them. I used the Azure mobile services as the backend for the data storage in order to familiarize myself with these popular services.




This is for the same job but I wrote it as a cover letter. Tried to summarize it as best as I could judging from what the employer asked. Did it as a cover letter and not an essay.

BTW didn't check the formatting as it was made on WORD. It is double spaced and stuff like before.

[Bandito]

Props to Velocirap for doing this. Very generous on his part.

It still has issues. I wouldn't go to the Air Force card right off the bat. Answer the question right away. "Why are you the best fit for the internship?"

"Well, when I was in the Air Force, I..."

Don't talk about the past. Tell them about the future first. WHY are you the best fit for the internship? What are you gonna bring from the second you get there? Then back it up with examples from the past, what you did in the military, etc.

Also, I'm not even angling for the 15 bucks here. You can fix that part of it up yourself. Give it more umph. You sound like you're trying really hard to convince them to pick you, almost begging. Tell them why they're out of their minds if they DONT pick you. Not that overtly, obviously. But make it clear that you're the right choice and you're gonna have options whether they pick you or don't, because someone IS gonna make the right choice and pick a difference maker like you.

Your essay is simple and sounds beta. Not your fault, obviously, because it's hard to confidently write in a language you're not native to. That's why you should either have me do it, or hell, hire someone else who does that kind of thing.

But if you really want a chance at getting hired, you need to make it more persuasive.

In any case, I wish you luck and do hope you get the gig :cheers:


I believe I have all the requirement needed to shine at the tasks the internship entails. I have 4 months of IT experience during my summer internships where I was exposed to networking and technical support duties. I was also given the task to develop an application that sorted and displayed in an organized matter the information that was in a database. Because of my outstanding performance I was invited to do another summer internship and gave me even more responsibilities.

During my last semester I was given the task to develop an Android app. Using NodeJS, Cordova as the server side framework and Ionic and AngularJS as the front end framework I developed a directory of recipes. The app offers easy recipes derived from the user choosing the ingredients that he or she has available to them. I used the Azure mobile services as the backend for the data storage in order to familiarize myself with these popular services.

I developed my English communication skills when I was on the Air Force from working with high ranking officers and noncommissioned officers in the Healthcare field. Coming straight from Puerto Rico I quickly grasped the English language could express myself in the native language or in Spanish which is an important asset to have in any field of expertise.





This is a CV...what do you think?

[Akrazotile]

This is a CV...what do you think?

I believe I have all the requirement needed to shine at the tasks the internship entails. I have 4 months of IT experience during my summer internships where I was exposed to networking and technical support duties.

Well the first sentence. I would say something like,

"I've worked extremely hard to refine a skill set which I believe is very well suited to this internship. During four months of summer IT work, I gained valuable familiarity with networking and technical support. I'm eager to continue strengthening those foundations, as well as expand beyond them."

Etc.

Just be more affirmative. Tell them you got the goods, and you're still hungry for more.

[Bandito]

Just be more affirmative. Tell them you got the goods, and you're still hungry for more.

Got it. I am a reserved person so maybe it shows in my written expressions...

[Akrazotile]

Got it. I am a reserved person so maybe it shows in my written expressions...


Yeah, it takes some getting used to. And it's even harder when you're trying to write assertively in a language you're not as familiar with as your native one.

But just tell them straight up. This is what I've been busting my ass over, and I know what I'm doing. Don't sound demanding or entitled of course, but let them know you're the candidate to beat. You might even try writing another version that's a bit more forceful, and then ask someone you trust, "Hey, do I sound confident and competent here, or just like a jackass?"

It's not like what you have is bad, and you seem to have good experiences and qualifications. But there are many others out there who will as well. If you get to an interview stage you'll get to separate yourself in person from a few other candidates. At this stage you've got a whole slew of people out there with similar levels of experience and qualifications trying to get past the first step. You have to separate yourself from enough of them in writing to at least get called for an interview.

[Bandito]

Got it. I have until Feb 1 so I am going to try and get this to sound better.

[Akrazotile]

Got it. I have until Feb 1 so I am going to try and get this to sound better.


Good luck :cheers:

Veloci did do a nice job, but the material in general he had to work with was just a lil too disney. Just gotta pack a lil more chatzpuh and be more emphatic about distinguishing yourself. But once you get that to come through a bit clearer youll be in good shape.