Page 1 of 7 1234 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 15 of 97
  1. #1
    The Magical T-Mac HardwoodLegend's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2012
    Location
    The Rec Center
    Posts
    3,570

    Default Haha @ The Holy Bible

    Didn't know this was in there.

    Ezekiel 23:14-21 is hands down the funniest passage written. That n1gga God is hilarious.

    14

  2. #2
    (◣_◢) CoLa Loneshot's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    3rd Rock
    Posts
    2,803

    Default Re: Haha @ The Holy Bible

    Lol you just know some dude out of his mind or pissed after a break up wrote that passage. I wonder how many of them exactly it was that got together to write the bible, and how did they know so many would believe them about it being the gospel of some ultimate being.

  3. #3
    Greatest Of All Time Baller1986's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Land of 4 NBA titles
    Posts
    1,263

    Default Re: Haha @ The Holy Bible


  4. #4
    Lurker embersyc's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Detroit
    Posts
    4,459

    Default Re: Haha @ The Holy Bible

    Those damn donkey **** horse sperming Chaldeans did it again!

  5. #5
    kobeee!! JerryWest's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Posts
    1,422

    Default Re: Haha @ The Holy Bible


  6. #6
    Rivalries Never Die Faptastrophe's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    LV
    Posts
    2,883

    Default Re: Haha @ The Holy Bible

    That book is filled with funny stuff.

    You can look up the full verses here.

    1 Corinthians 11:14 (Men should not have long hair)
    1 Corinthians 14:34-35 (Women should remain silent in church)
    Deuteronomy 13:6-16 (Death penalty for Apostasy)
    Deuteronomy 20:10-14 (Attack city, kill all men, keep women, children as spoils of war)
    Deuteronomy 21:18-21 (Death penalty for a rebellious son)
    Deuteronomy 22:19-25 (Kill non-virgin/kill adulterers/rapists)
    Deuteronomy 22:28-29 (Pay virgin’s parents for raping her)
    Ecclesiastes 1:18 (Knowledge is bad)
    Exodus 21:1-7 (Rules for buying slaves)
    Exodus 35:2 (Death for working on the Sabbath)
    Ezekiel 9:5-6 (Murder women/children)
    Ezekiel 23:19-20 (A whore who had sex with men hung like donkeys)
    Galatians 5:2-4 (If you are circumcised, Christ has nothing for you)
    Genesis 1:3,4,5,11,12,16 (God creates light, night and day, plants grow, before creating sun)
    Genesis 3:16 (Man shall rule over woman)
    Jeremiah 19:9 (Cannibalism)
    John 3:18 (He who believes in Jesus is saved, he that doesn’t is condemned)
    John 5:46-47 (Jesus references Old Testament)
    1 Kings 7:23 (Pi equals 3)
    Leviticus 3:1-17 (Procedure for animal sacrifice)
    Leviticus 19:19 (No mixed fabrics in clothing)
    Leviticus 19:27 (Don’t trim hair or beard)
    Leviticus 19:28 (No tattoos)
    Leviticus 20:9 (Death for cursing father or mother)
    Leviticus 20:10 (Death for adultery)
    Leviticus 20:13 (Death for gay men)
    Leviticus 20:15 (Death for bestiality)
    Leviticus 20:18 (No sex with a woman on her period)
    Leviticus 21:17-23 (Ugly people, lame, dwarfs, not welcome on altar)
    Leviticus 25:45 (Strangers can be bought as slaves)
    Luke 12:33 (Sell your possessions, and give to the poor)
    Luke 14:26 (You must hate your family and yourself to follow Jesus)
    Mark 10:11-12 (Leaving your spouse for another is adultery)
    Mark 10:21-22 (Sell your possessions and give to the poor)
    Mark 10:24-25 (Next to impossible for rich to get into heaven)
    Mark 16:15-16 (Those who hear the gospel and don’t believe go to hell)
    Matthew 5:17-19 (Jesus says he has come to enforce the laws of the Old Testament)
    Matthew 6:5-6 (Pray in secret)
    Matthew 6:18 (Fast for Lent in secret)
    Matthew 9:12 (The healthy don’t need a doctor, the sick do)
    Matthew 10:34-37 (Jesus comes with sword, turns families against each other, those that love family more than him are not worthy)
    Matthew 12:30 (If you’re not with Jesus, you’re against him)
    Matthew 15:4 (Death for not honouring your father and mother)
    Matthew 22:29 (Jesus references Old Testament)
    Matthew 24:37 (Jesus references Old Testament)
    Numbers 14:18 (Following generations blamed for the sins of previous ones)
    Psalms 137:9 (Violence against children)
    Revelation 6:13 (The stars fell to earth like figs)
    Revelation 21:8 (Unbelievers, among others, go to hell)
    1 Timothy 2:11-12 (Women subordinate and must remain silent)
    1 Timothy 5:8 (If you don’t provide for your family, you are an infidel)
    Zechariah 14:2 (Women ravished when city is taken in battle)

  7. #7
    Alpha Tarheel rufuspaul's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    Charlotte
    Posts
    23,262

    Default Re: Haha @ The Holy Bible

    [QUOTE=HardwoodLegend]Didn't know this was in there.

    Ezekiel 23:14-21 is hands down the funniest passage written. That n1gga God is hilarious.

    14

  8. #8
    ***** ace23's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Location
    Houston, TX
    Posts
    8,817

    Default Re: Haha @ The Holy Bible

    Quote Originally Posted by HardwoodLegend
    That n1gga God is hilarious.
    Almost as funny as the passage itself. The bible was written by humans.

  9. #9
    kobeee!! JerryWest's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Posts
    1,422

    Default Re: Haha @ The Holy Bible


  10. #10
    Very good NBA starter DukeDelonte13's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Posts
    8,784

    Default Re: Haha @ The Holy Bible

    Quote Originally Posted by ace23
    Almost as funny as the passage itself. The bible was written by humans.

    Most of the world's christians get this. America is unique as we have all these non denominational and independent christian churches that don't have the tradition and history that the orthodox or catholic churches have, so they rely 100% on just the bible. They take it literally.

  11. #11
    The Magical T-Mac HardwoodLegend's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2012
    Location
    The Rec Center
    Posts
    3,570

    Default Re: Haha @ The Holy Bible

    The Bible was written by humans. Very smart, eloquent, organized and sometimes horny/misogynistic humans.

    As a Christian growing up, I was raised to believe that each word was inspired by "God's touch" though and that the book was protected from sabotage and rogue human interference under his care.

    No longer being Christian, clearly I do not believe that any more. Some of these men had their sex-deprived agendas as motivational fuel for their words.

  12. #12
    NBA Legend and Hall of Famer
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Posts
    23,214

    Default Re: Haha @ The Holy Bible

    Slightly OT, but it looks like the show about the bible on the History Channel tried to make the devil look like Obama. Anyone else see this?

    http://www.nydailynews.com/news/nati...icle-1.1291615



  13. #13
    Very good NBA starter DukeDelonte13's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Posts
    8,784

    Default Re: Haha @ The Holy Bible

    Quote Originally Posted by HardwoodLegend
    The Bible was written by humans. Very smart, eloquent, organized and sometimes horny/misogynistic humans.

    As a Christian growing up, I was raised to believe that each word was inspired by "God's touch" though and that the book was protected from sabotage and rogue human interference under his care.

    No longer being Christian, clearly I do not believe that any more. Some of these men had their sex-deprived agendas as motivational fuel for their words.

    raised catholic. Went to catholic school for 8 years. They taught us that the bible was written by normal people, and that it has constantly been changed and revised. That its full of stories that people wrote on how they thought the world came to be, or how things worked, and that you shouldn't take the bible literally, but just appreciate the lessons it teaches. We were taught it is a holy book, but its supplementary to the religion, not the definitive word.

  14. #14
    Very good NBA starter DukeDelonte13's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Posts
    8,784

    Default Re: Haha @ The Holy Bible

    Quote Originally Posted by Sarcastic
    Slightly OT, but it looks like the show about the bible on the History Channel tried to make the devil look like Obama. Anyone else see this?

    http://www.nydailynews.com/news/nati...icle-1.1291615


    i'm a dem and i think that's awesome.

  15. #15
    talk less, say more Clifton's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Posts
    2,942

    Default Re: Haha @ The Holy Bible

    Slightly OT, but it looks like the show about the bible on the History Channel tried to make the devil look like Obama. Anyone else see this?
    Yeah I watched most of it yesterday. What an odd series. Anyone catch Kevin Garnett conquering Jericho?

    And why on earth is the series called "The Bible"? That's goofy. It's the Christian narrative of salvation history. It's contained in a bunch of books that were codified into a definitive collection around 300 AD or so. We call that the Bible because it means "book" in Greek. That title doesn't tell you anything about the story.

    Yeah, the Obama Satan was funny. So was the "big black guy with dreds" Samson. So was pretty much everything, actually.

    You have to keep in mind that this series is basically a cash cow aimed at midwestern Evangelicals, so the devil resembling Obama is ho-hum.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •