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  1. #1
    Alpha Tarheel rufuspaul's Avatar
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    Default A Sorority Girl Lashes Out At Her Sisters

    From deadspin.com

    "WE ****ING SUCK SO FAR": A Sorority Girl Lashes Out At Her Sisters
    I always like to picture sororities as places where college girls stage elaborately decorated mixers and then spend the rest of the week gouging out each other's eyes. And thankfully, the remarkable email you're about to read proves all of my theories correct. From reader Erik: "This is from the University of Maryland. Apparently, this is from the chair of a 'lower tier, very awkward sorority' that's been matched up with a 'pretty good frat' for Greek Week."

    If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you're sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough ****ing ride.

    For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this chapter, we have been ****ING UP in terms of night time events and general social interactions with Sigma Nu. I've been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so ****ing AWKWARD and so ****ing BORING. If you're reading this right now and saying to yourself "But oh em gee [first name redacted], I've been having so much fun with my sisters this week!", then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don't have to ****ing find you on campus to do it myself.

    I do not give a flying ****, and Sigma Nu does not give a flying ****, about how much you ****ing love to talk to your sisters. You have 361 days out of the ****ing year to talk to sisters, and this week is NOT, I ****ing repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. This week is about fostering relationships in the Greek community, and that's not ****ing possible if you're going to stand around and talk to each other and not our matchup. Newsflash you stupid cocks: FRATS DON'T LIKE BORING SORORITIES. Oh wait, DOUBLE ****ING NEWSFLASH: SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE ****ING SUCK, which by the way in case you're an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE ****ING SUCK SO FAR.

    This also applies to you little shits that have talked openly about post gaming at a different frat IN FRONT OF SIGMA NU BROTHERS. Are you people ****ing retarded? That's not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you're mentally slow so I can make sure you don't go to anymore night time events. If Sigma Nu openly said "Yeah we're gonna invite Zeta over", would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn't, so WHY THE **** WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN'T be post gaming at other frats, I don't give a **** if your boyfriend is in it, if your brother is in it, or if your entire family is in that frat. YOU DON'T GO. YOU. DON'T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do ****ing NOT convince other girls to leave with you.

    "But [first name redacted]!", you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, "I've been cheering on our teams at all the sports, doesn't that count for something?" NO YOU STUPID ****ING ASS HATS, IT ****ING DOESN'T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW ****ING WHY?!! IT DOESN'T COUNT BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN ****ING UP AT SOBER ****ING EVENTS TOO. I've not only gotten texts about people being ****ing WEIRD at sports (for example, being stupid shits and saying stuff like "durr what's kickball?" is not ****ing funny), but I've gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team. The opposing. ****ing. Team. ARE YOU ****ING STUPID?!! I don't give a SHIT about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A SPORTS GAME? ARE YOU ****ING BLIND? Or are you just so ****ing dense about what it means to make people like you that you think being a good little supporter of the Greek community is going to make our matchup happy? Well it's time someone told you, NO ONE ****ING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY OUR ****ING MATCHUP. I will ****ing **** punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don't give a **** if you SOR me, I WILL ****ING ASSAULT YOU.

    "Ohhh, I'm now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad". Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little asswipe that stands in the corners at night or if you're a weird shit that does weird shit during the day, this following message is for you:

    DO NOT GO TO TONIGHT'S EVENT.

    I'm not ****ing kidding. Don't go. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I've mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you're unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS CHAPTER. I would rather have 40 girls that are fun, talk to boys, and not ****ing awkward than 80 that are ****ing ******s. If you are one of the people that have told me "Oh nooo boo hoo I can't talk to boys I'm too sober", then I pity you because I don't know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don't ****ing show up unless you're going to stop being a goddamn **** block for our chapter. Seriously. I swear to ****ing God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner at tonight's event, I will tell you to leave even if you're sober. I'm not even kidding. Try me.

    And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don't give a ****. Go **** yourself.

    -[Last name redacted]
    She had me at "**** punt."
    That phrase is cvnt punt. Hilarious
    Last edited by rufuspaul; 04-18-2013 at 04:18 PM.

  2. #2
    Decent college freshman
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    Default Re: A Sorority Girl Lashes Out At Her Sisters


  3. #3
    Your King OhNoTimNoSho's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Sorority Girl Lashes Out At Her Sisters

    That was intense

  4. #4
    ______________________ Balla_Status's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Sorority Girl Lashes Out At Her Sisters

    This is like real life Mean Girls.

  5. #5
    Perfectly Calm, Dude KevinNYC's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Sorority Girl Lashes Out At Her Sisters

    Quote Originally Posted by rufuspaul
    That phrase is cvnt punt. Hilarious
    I am going to produce this as one-woman show.

  6. #6
    werewolfdolphin Dolphin's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Sorority Girl Lashes Out At Her Sisters

    Trying too hard, but would still hit it then quit it cause she probably is a freak in the sack.

  7. #7
    Alpha Tarheel rufuspaul's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Sorority Girl Lashes Out At Her Sisters

    Quote Originally Posted by KevinNYC
    I am going to produce this as one-woman show.

    C[COLOR="Black"]u[/COLOR]nt punting was an intramural sport back in my undergrad days.

  8. #8
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    Default Re: A Sorority Girl Lashes Out At Her Sisters

    eh sounds like my old frats monthly rant section.

  9. #9
    NBA All-star Derka's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Sorority Girl Lashes Out At Her Sisters

    Quote Originally Posted by rufuspaul
    C[COLOR="Black"]u[/COLOR]nt punting was an intramural sport back in my undergrad days.
    And there it is. We men had to put our cockfeet to good use with all c*ntpunting that had to be done.

  10. #10
    The Love B-Low B-Low's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Sorority Girl Lashes Out At Her Sisters

    This would be so much better if we knew what she looked like

  11. #11
    Perfectly Calm, Dude KevinNYC's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Sorority Girl Lashes Out At Her Sisters


  12. #12
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    Default Re: A Sorority Girl Lashes Out At Her Sisters

    Quote Originally Posted by B-Low
    This would be so much better if we knew what she looked like
    She's probably the ugly bossy one while all the other ones inviting the other fraternities, not giving a ****, and cheering for the wrong team are the hot ones.

    She needs to get laid

  13. #13
    The Love B-Low B-Low's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Sorority Girl Lashes Out At Her Sisters

    Quote Originally Posted by falc39
    She's probably the ugly bossy one while all the other ones inviting the other fraternities, not giving a ****, and cheering for the wrong team are the hot ones.

    She needs to get laid
    Right. The abslute PANIC in her voice just screams "guys dont pay attention to me"

    "THEY'RE NOT GONNA LIKE US IF WE'RE BORING!!!!!!! THEY WON'T WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US! HELLOOOO THEY'RE BOYS!!! FOCUS B*TCHES!!! DON'T BLOW THIS!!"

  14. #14
    NBA Legend DeuceWallaces's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Sorority Girl Lashes Out At Her Sisters

    Quote Originally Posted by KevinNYC
    That person is a terrible human being.

  15. #15
    The Love B-Low B-Low's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Sorority Girl Lashes Out At Her Sisters


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