For the married guys/those in real (good) relationships

[joe]

I am pretty sure I have a really twisted view of relationships. I will spare you the whys and ask you the question I have.

Did you get the girl you have by being caring towards her, nurturing towards her emotions, being there for her, being honest, loving, caring, etc.

I feel I am decent enough with going after random hook ups. I am not a pro or anything. But when it comes to girls I actually like, I get confused. Should I just express the way I feel, the way I want the relationship to actually be? Should I be caring towards her how I want to be?

For some reason a voice in my head says I need to be somewhat distant. I need to play my cards close to my vest. I need to make her think I am not totally invested. I understand the degree of not wanting to seem desperate... but when it comes to just honestly expressing emotions. I am not sure how to do it, if I should do it.

And yeah, I am coming to this damn forum of all places to ask this question. Trust me, I am asking other people and pondering it myself. But since I know some of you are married, I want to know what you think of this.

[KevinNYC]

You being hesitant and not willing to put yourself out there are probably going to picked up on by most women, they may not understand why you are acting like that , but they probably will be able to feel it and feel it as a negative emotion. Now if someone is holding back like that, would you want to tell her you love her? It would probably make you think twice.

It seems that buried in your question, is the question: how can I put myself out there and not get hurt. And the answer is, you probably can't. You have to risk it. If you never risk it, you'll never feel the reward.

[~primetime~]

You being hesitant and not willing to put yourself out there are probably going to picked up on by most women, they may not understand why you are acting like that , but they probably will be able to feel it and feel it as a negative emotion. Now if someone is holding back like that, would you want to tell her you love her? It would probably make you think twice.

It seems that buried in your question, is the question: how can I put myself out there and not get hurt. And the answer is, you probably can't. You have to risk it. If you never risk it, you'll never feel the reward.

Naw he is asking "if I put myself out there will it push her away or bring her closer?"

And the answer is it depends on the girl, they are all different. Some want that stuff and some don't. You have to feel them out a little first.

[Timmy D for MVP]

Being someone who prides himself on being clinical, and scientific about stuff, I surprisingly have the most cliched answer to your question (assuming I understood it right).

But for me I too tried to think through everything. I wasn't reluctant to put myself out there, but my personality is one where I live a lot in my own head, and I don't express myself well when it comes to my emotions.

When my gf came along, at the beginning I still tried to be intellectual about it. It didn't flip until I just let it go and expressed myself honestly and fully with her. And luckily she liked what I have to offer. 4 years later we continue to grow together. It's such cliche stuff but it just kinda feels right, I have a hard time quantifying what it is.

When it comes to someone you like, the hang up with you seems to be should you rise putting yourself in a position where you'll express yourself honestly. Like KevinNYC said, YOU can tell when someone is reluctant, so why wouldn't they? At some point you'll have to put yourself out there fully with someone in order to start building a solid relationship. And to be honest, you might fail a couple times, and that will suck. But if that's what you're looking for the process will be worth it when you hit.

Another thing to keep in mind is that it's okay to not want that. Like... there's so much pressure in our society to settle down with someone and find THE one. That's such bullsh!t. If you rush into just cause it won't work and you'll just get frustrated.

[Magic731]

Naw he is asking "if I put myself out there will it push her away or bring her closer?"

And the answer is it depends on the girl, they are all different. Some want that stuff and some don't. You have to feel them out a little first.

Probably this. My first girlfriend back in high school who I was with for a while really drove everything. I wasn't really interested at first and she told me later on she found it really difficult to get to know me. This almost made her give up on me. At the same time though she liked the sort of mysterious and unknown factor. The fact that she found it difficult to get to know me just intrigued her even more. Obviously this is far from marriage but our relationship did last a while.

Overall though I would say its best to put yourself out there, show your true colours. That way they know exactly what they are getting.

[GimmeThat]

I'll be honest with you, and I think this statement applies to myself as well to a certain extense.

you are probably screwed with girls that are of your peer or the same age of you.

girls that are either older than you or younger than you probably have the best shot of seeing through all your BS.



try to be scientific and critical about being dumb, good luck with that brah.

[Myth]

Pretend to be somebody you are not and you will attract those interested in the fake you.

Be yourself and you will attract those interested in the real you.

Many go for the first option hoping it will get more girls interested in them, but rarely does that lead to a better relationship.

[joe]

Naw he is asking "if I put myself out there will it push her away or bring her closer?"

And the answer is it depends on the girl, they are all different. Some want that stuff and some don't. You have to feel them out a little first.

Yeah that is the heart of my question. Not even just put myself out there, but the specifics of who Myself might be. I want to be nice, I want to be supportive, I want to be enthusiastic, I want to be positive natured.

I have this thought in my head that guys like that will lose to guys who are just out for themselves. For years I acted (and thought I was) one of those guys, but over time I realize that isnt who I am. But now that I actually like someone, see a potential relationship with them, I do not know how to react. One side says be yourself. The other side says that will cause her leave for someone like I used to be.

[Swaggin916]

Pretend to be somebody you are not and you will attract those interested in the fake you.

Be yourself and you will attract those interested in the real you.

Many go for the first option hoping it will get more girls interested in them, but rarely does that lead to a better relationship.

Yup.

If you are a relationship guy, don't try to hide it. It hurts more to be phony in the long run than it does to be real. When your ego is strong enough to accept rejection for being who you are, then it's just a matter of time before you get what you want.

[joe]

You being hesitant and not willing to put yourself out there are probably going to picked up on by most women, they may not understand why you are acting like that , but they probably will be able to feel it and feel it as a negative emotion. Now if someone is holding back like that, would you want to tell her you love her? It would probably make you think twice.

It seems that buried in your question, is the question: how can I put myself out there and not get hurt. And the answer is, you probably can't. You have to risk it. If you never risk it, you'll never feel the reward.

I think not wanting to get hurt is a big part of it. My social group and my family influences led me to treating girls badly. The idea was to just go for sex, play them before they can play you. Dont care too much about them because then they have all the power. All we did was go for sex or hook ups.

That was easy because you never really have to care. If a girl doesnt like you, you just laugh it off and say whatever, on to the next one. If a girl falls for you, you never fall more than her. You never have more to lose than her.

And the thing is, it has been years since those times.. but those influences are still such a part of my brain. They are ingrained in me.

I got some great advice from a friend earlier. Basically saying, do not compare your way of handling relationships to someone elses. You have to do what feels right for you. Do not let the thoughts you held in the past control you.

I think that is good advice that I will follow.

[BlazerRed]

You should be you.. but more confident. No point starting a relationship based on a false persona you can't keep up forever.

[joe]

In the beginning you have to game her. You guys dunno each other, but you know you want to get to know her. So you game her, you utilize your dating skills to attract her. As time progresses and you two get to know each other, you will both mutually game less and become more sincere. This is when the gaming and dating phase ends, typically less than a month, and the relationship- the sincere you and her begin.

Girls need the dramatics. They need to feel the magic. To ensure they feel the magic you have to game them, attract them and during that process they decide whether or not they like you. If we acted on our instincts alone and just put it all out there, girls don't respond well to it. They require patience.

I don't agree that gaming is putting out a false sense of who you truly are. The day and age we live in requires us to act the way we do. I didn't act different during the gaming phase, but I didn't give her the full package. You have to always leave them wanting more while dating in the beginning, whereas when you're in a relationship with them they get the real you the full package all the time.

It's easy for us to look at a total stranger of a chick and be like, oh yeah she's the one, after one kick ass conversation. Females on the other hand are not so easily swayed even if they loved the kick ass conversation too. As stated previously, they require patience.

Are you in or have you gotten into a good relationship with this tactic?

I think gaming is definitely putting out a false sense of who you are, by definition. You are purposely acting differently because you want this girl to feel a certain way about you. If you didnt care how she felt, you wouldnt act that way. So how is it not putting out a false sense of who you are?

By the way, I have done it, so I am not implying that you are a demon for feeling this way. But I just feel sickened at the thought of continuing to do it. Your post honestly made me sad because there is a deep part of me that says you are right. But I am hoping that is my social training talking, and not some fundamental human truth that we are all born with.

[GimmeThat]

no matter what you do, don't believe that there are actually people worth waiting for.

if you do, you're going to fail at gaming for the rest of your life.

[GimmeThat]

Your post honestly made me sad because there is a deep part of me that says you are right. But I am hoping that is my social training talking, and not some fundamental human truth that we are all born with.

memories might make immaturity tolerable

after all, growth separates people

[Magic731]

Damn.....this thread is kinda just what I needed....I was witht his girl who was introduced to me through a friend, and this girl worked with my sister and got along really good with her, which was a huge turn on for me because family is huge to me, especially my sister. Anyways we went out a few times, each time was great, constant convo and we were always laughing and smiling. Then one night texting with her, I tell her how much I like her and how I cannot wait to see her again, and when we are going to be able to see each other again.....no answer.......couple hours later I send her another text, asking her "so?" and no answer......few hours later I send another text "so I guess no time soon" and she responds "sorry, I dont feel any romantic connection with you. You are a funny and good guy, but I only see us being friends, sorry" Instantly I started kicking myself cause I felt like I was pushing too hard I actually pushed her away. A lot of these responses have started to change my mindset in dating and girls. I am pretty confident and see myself as a attractive guy, but my game is not the best, something I def need to work on.

It's a balancing act. Wanting to get their attention but not over doing it. I generally go with not talking enough. I'll send one text and if they don't respond I will leave it generally until the next day at least. This is largely due to the fact I'm so paranoid of coming on too strong. I would just hate it if I sent a "?" text and it turned out she legitimately didn't have a chance to respond.