OK, so for the first time IN MY LIFE... I'm approached by this smoking hot blonde babe in the food court at the mall who asks me my name as I'm just about to order some BK. As my jaw drops she grins and says "well, what's your name fine sir?" ... I finally closed my mouth and told her my name. She then told me her name and told me I should walk around the mall with her after I eat. I said... OK and cheesed like a mutha fuc
Well, I was at the mall alone, so I got my food and went over by the windows to eat by myself. She went back to her group of friends and they were all sitting at a table somewhere around 52 feet away from me. I could see them, and they could see me. I know they could see me because the smoking hot blonde was pointing over at me and waiving blowing kisses and **** like that at me. The whole time, I was just cheezin like crazy.
So, I just chillin looking out the window at cars going by as I ate my Whopper Jr. Then I glanced over at the girls again... and now two of her other friends are blowing kisses at yours truly too. I thought I must be dreaming, so I grabbed my nuts and squeezed them to make sure I wasn't dreaming. I have blue balls now, I guess I wasn't.
I wanted to make sure I was looking good before I finished my BK and headed over to their table. I was nervous and kind of excited. I thought to myself, what am I going to say and how am I going to act when go over and see them. I didn't want to be a dork and end up stuttering in front of them like I always do when I try and talk to the ladies.
So, I went to the restroom really quick to get my head together. I look in the mirror... lick my fingers slicking back my eyebrows telling myself I'm a stud praising Jesus no more fat bitc
hes for me! Then, this little boy comes in the restroom. He walks over towards the urinals to get ready to piss I guess. I think nothing of it.
Just as I'm ready to get out there and holla at dem hoz ... the little boy is grunting almost like he's in pain. As I'm just about to push the door open and leave I look back at the little kid. He's looking at me, then he says "Mr. help me, it's stuck" ... I think for a second, hey no big deal... I'll just help the little guy then I can get back to business.
So I walk over to the little guy and say let me have look at that see if I can help you out. He says "thank you Mr. I have to go really really bad!" ... so being the helpful citizen I am, I try to get this little boy's zipper unstuck. After a couple of nudges and jiggles I actually end up making it worse than it was. "Now it's really stuck" the little boy said ... so I'm thinking what a rude little fu*ker for telling me that after I'm trying to help him.
I said "look kid, I'm trying to be nice by helping you, don't be such a little smart ass" ... he then looks at me with this evil look as I'm still trying to nudge this guy's zipper loose... I said if you can't be nice I'll just leave you alone and you can piss all over yourself for all I care... he then said "I'll piss in your mouth!" ... so I was like "fine, if you don't want me unzipping your pants I'll just leave!" ... just as I said that... someone walked in the restroom.
The man who walked in said, "what did you just say" ... I started to explain myself thinking everything was just fine... but then the man said "did you just say you are finished trying to unzip his pants!?" ... I said "yes, but he was asking me to" ... the man said "you sick bastard, he's just a kid" ... I was like "yeah, an uncooperating little fu*k too!" ... the man then yelled for the mall police.
This just turned into one big mess. The mall cops got there in a flash, and the man told them I was trying to molest this little kid! I was like WTF!!! I told them I was just trying to unzip his pants so he can piss. I told them to ask the little kid, so they did. You know what that little fu*ker said...?
He told the cops I wanted to unzip his pants so I can touch him in the "no no zone" ...
Now I'm locked up.
They told me I get one phone call... I told them to let me use their computers so I can post a message instead. I need help you guys. My bail is 3 g's. Help a brotha out.