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Old 04-26-2012, 03:05 AM   #1
Myth
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Default Not my best day.... (possibly a tl;dr for many)

I'm writing this in hopes of sorting out my own thoughts. I'm sure I will get a decent amount of immature posts (of which I will not be responding because it is a sensitive issue for me), but I appreciate those with serious comments and thoughts. I'm processing something that is bigger than I've ever had to think about before. About 48 hours ago, my girlfriend of nearly 6 years dropped something on me. I stewed on it for about 24 hours, and when I confronted her about the feelings I was having, an even bigger bombshell was dropped on me.

As many of you may know based on past posts, I have a few big changes coming my way. One is that I am moving to southern California in the summer (July is the plan). The other is that I am on a kidney transplant list, expecting to get the call any time, and am scheduled for dialysis if I don't have it by next month. My girlfriend and I have planned on getting married, and would have already been married if it weren't for health insurance screwing things up (if I get married in my current situation, I lose my insurance, this country is really f*cked up).

Well now, my girlfriend wants to stay in Oregon during that year so that she can "figure out" her own life. She initially phrased it as she wants to keep her job, but she suggested that even if her contract isn't renewed (she is a teacher and at the bottom of the seniority list with budget cuts coming, so a strong possibility), it isn't a given that she would come with me. In a lot of situations, I would be cool with that and try the long distance thing. However, she really pushed for California and that was a big consideration of where I would go. If I knew I was going alone, I certainly would have pushed more for Washington where I would have been a reasonable drive to my brother's and a long drive to my parents'. I feel a bit like I was coaxed into moving far away from everybody I knew, and then abandoned. Not only does that suck in general, but put on top of that the fact that I will be going through a lot of medical changes soon. I will be having a transplant and will not be allowed to do a lot of simple things like grocery shopping because of limits of how much weight I will be allowed to carry. If I can't carry my own groceries during recovery, I'm going to have to go through the pain of either ordering food all the time, having to pay for somebody to get my groceries, or have my mother quit her job (also a teacher) to fly to California as well to take care of me. Not to mention, it would be nice for peace of mind to have somebody there with me to make sure I don't have serious complications with the transplant, as well any emotional support that may be necessary as I recover. I don't know all the specifics of how it will be challenging to recover post transplant while living in an area where you know nobody, but I'm sure it isn't great. My initial reaction is, "How can I plan on staying with somebody who abandons me when I need them most?"

I probed into what she needs to figure out, and discovered what some of her doubts are. She gave me a small list of things that are not perfect in our relationship. (1) She wants to get rid of our dog that we got 7 months ago. She pushed for the dog, I eventually agreed. Now, I love that dog and she wants to get rid of it because it annoys her (he can be very energetic and he sheds a lot, but otherwise a super loving and obedient dog). (2) She hates that I am not the most clean person. This admittedly is my biggest flaw. I don't do laundry often and have 2 large overflowing laundry baskets of dirty clothes (I have lots of clothes, so I do laundry only about once a month). I'm also not as quick to do dishes or vacuum as much as I should (especially considering our dog sheds a lot). (3) She fears that my health will become a burden. Which it will in moments, but after I recover from my transplant, there is no reason I can't remain healthy another 20 years before having to go through it again. (4) She fears my debt. I have a lot of student loans because of finishing my doctorate in psychology. (5) She fears I won't want to quit jobs randomly to move to another country for another year here and there. My future job is likely to have summers off, so I'd be willing to go somewhere during that time, but she is right that I won't sacrifice my career to bounce from country to country. Though, I am willing to let her go off to another country here and there on her own or with a friend as long as it is not when I am ill and need her with me.

To make matters worse, she cheated on me. Now, this may sound extreme to a lot of people, but cheating can have a different affects on different people depending on circumstances. She said that she had never cheated on me until the last month and a half. She had been talking to this guy she knew through work on the phone fairly frequently. They apparently went for a drive and he pressured her do fool around with him. She said no, and he asked if he could just jerk off in her presence and she said yes...

...so that happened. She said that she has thought about leaving me to be with him, and it was a little more than just fantasizing about being with somebody else. She also said that this opened the door for her to the possibility of being with somebody other than me, because she had never seriously considered such a thing until recently. She then snuck out to meet with another guy (she told me she was meeting a friend, so blatantly lied to me). They spent a bit of time with each other at a park, then made out in his car for a bit. She told me this was also not just a sexual thing, but she also thought about the possibility of actually being with him. The not just being a sexual thing is big part to me. The idea of her lying to me to meet this guy who she wants to be with on some level is more hurtful to me than her making out with him. Some of you may have remembered a thread I made about a sexual deal the 2 of us were discussing, because we view love and sex as not interchangeable. We never did come to an agreement, so what she did broke our currently set boundaries, but as I said, more hurtful is the idea of leaving me, not the action of kissing (or watching a guy jack off.... but still, wtf).

She still says she does not know what she wants to do, though said she would still move down to Cali with me (but on some level it feels like she says this because she knows the timing is so bad that I could be royally screwed). The deceit hurts, but the idea that she even considered leaving me when I will need her most is the most painful. She says she still loves me, but knows she has to figure some of her own shit out. In the mean time, I now have to decide if this is a person I want to stay with. I'm sure many will say "leave the b*tch" or something similar, but when you have loved somebody so much for so many years, that is a lot to throw away after only a month and a half of doubt on her end and only 24 hours of doubt on my end.
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Old 04-26-2012, 03:10 AM   #2
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Default Re: Not my best day.... (possibly a tl;dr for many)

Sounds complicated. But, honestly dude . . that's too much shit to be putting on you. She betrayed your trust at a critical junction in your life.

Break that shit off.

Consider yourself lucky she did this before you got married and/or had kids.
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Old 04-26-2012, 03:12 AM   #3
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Default Re: Not my best day.... (possibly a tl;dr for many)

My brothers wife left him to hook up with some dude in another country and my brother asked if he should take her back?

I told him that I would punch him in the face if he took her back and I will tell you the same thing man. Drop that chick, sure it is going to hurt, but on the long run it is going to be better for you.

If a chick cheats on you....time to bump her, no questions asked!

I feel for you bro and can understand the hard time that is coming up for you, but sticking out with a chick like this is only going to make you more miserable.

Bump and run. If she really loved you she wouldn't be doing this sh!t, you know why? Cause you won't be doing the same sh!t if the situation was reversed.

Last edited by Solidape : 04-26-2012 at 03:14 AM.
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Old 04-26-2012, 03:16 AM   #4
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Default Re: Not my best day.... (possibly a tl;dr for many)

Do men do this shit? This like, "I just don't know anymore! I thought I understood my feelings, and then.. I thought about something and now I don't know anymore!"

It's a win-win situation for her, really. You get to be there for her to "help her figure her out" and then either she gets to keep you or she figures out she doesn't want to be with you and she dumps you.

You don't deserve to be put in that position. If she dumps you, its going to feel awful. She's already screwed around on you, what, twice? Put yourself in the position of power and kick her to the curb. She doesn't deserve you.
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Old 04-26-2012, 03:16 AM   #5
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Default Re: Not my best day.... (possibly a tl;dr for many)

1) She cheated on you, she lies to you, she thinks about cheating on you
2) She made a LIST of things you have to do in order for her to stay in the relationship

Honestly man, the best thing is to move on, this chick is definitely sketchy.
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Old 04-26-2012, 03:22 AM   #6
Myth
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Default Re: Not my best day.... (possibly a tl;dr for many)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Solidape
If a chick cheats on you....time to bump her, no questions asked!

I feel for you bro and can understand the hard time that is coming up for you, but sticking out with a chick like this is only going to make you more miserable.

Bump and run. If she really loved you she wouldn't be doing this sh!t, you know why? Cause you won't be doing the same sh!t if the situation was reversed.

I used to feel the same way, but I had been re-evaluating what my deal breakers were the last few months as it is. It is a good possibility that this is what I will do. One of the tough parts of calling it quits is that doing so just like that doesn't give us the chance of even seeing if things are just in a temporary rut. I don't want to abandon our relationship on a haste decision without having time to figure out what I want to do. Lots of relationships have a major challenge at some point and some make it after that point and some don't. This is our first major challenge in 6 years, and I don't want to leave without at least considering my options. But as I said, the option very well may be to leave her. So far, I've only had a chance to consult with one of my close friends, so more of that will be occurring tomorrow.
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Old 04-26-2012, 03:29 AM   #7
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Default Re: Not my best day.... (possibly a tl;dr for many)

Sorry you have to go through all that. She sounds like she already has one foot out the door and I don't know how you can trust someone like that long term. This situation is something that could completely undermine your relationship eventually down the road, so it would be best to try to end things before you move down here. I know it's incredibly hard to walk away from someone you seriously thought about marrying, but the sacrifices you may have to make after your surgery may not be as bad as prolonging an already badly damaged relationship. Take the dog too.
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Old 04-26-2012, 03:29 AM   #8
Myth
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Default Re: Not my best day.... (possibly a tl;dr for many)

Quote:
Originally Posted by AirTupac
1) She cheated on you, she lies to you, she thinks about cheating on you
2) She made a LIST of things you have to do in order for her to stay in the relationship

Honestly man, the best thing is to move on, this chick is definitely sketchy.

#2 is incorrect. Those are things she had questioned and made her doubt our future, but they weren't demands of what I need to get rid of. She has been on me about cleaning for many years, and we both know that changes in those habits will be minimal at best based on my past attempts to improve. I also told her no f*cking way I am getting rid of the dog. Last thing I'm going to do is get rid of the dog and then have her leave me anyway. However, with my move to Cali, we have had difficulty finding affordable places that allow large dogs (he weighs about 85lbs). So even before it was a possibility that my parents keep the dog for a year. If we do still move to California together, we may not have the dog anyway, giving us more time to evaluate our shit.

#1... yes. I can't deny having thoughts of wanting to bang the shit out of other girls too, lol. But the actions that specifically took place over the last month or so are harder to get over, even when I do have more relaxed views regarding sex than other people.
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Old 04-26-2012, 03:36 AM   #9
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Default Re: Not my best day.... (possibly a tl;dr for many)

Quote:
Originally Posted by chazzy
Sorry you have to go through all that. She sounds like she already has one foot out the door and I don't know how you can trust someone like that long term. This situation is something that could completely undermine your relationship eventually down the road, so it would be best to try to end things before you move down here. I know it's incredibly hard to walk away from someone you seriously thought about marrying, but the sacrifices you may have to make after your surgery may not be as bad as prolonging an already badly damaged relationship. Take the dog too.

One of my life philosophies is that people should choose every day to be with each other. Even if she didn't have one foot out the door, there is always that possibility with any relationship, and it can be devastating in any relationship. Therefore, if she leaves me now, or in 1 month, or in 6 months, or if I leave her at any of those times, it doesn't make a big difference to me (well, except for the kidney transplant timing). If I wake up a week from now and she has decided she wants to be with me and I am over what she had done to me, then all that matters is that we both decided to stay together. If I can't handle what she had done to me and it continues to wear on me, then I'll end it. I think a lot of people put too much emphasis on who ended it with who. In the end, all that matters is: are you together or not, so I'm not going to make a decision just to avoid being dumped if I decide my ultimate goal is to be with her.
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Old 04-26-2012, 03:41 AM   #10
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Default Re: Not my best day.... (possibly a tl;dr for many)

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Originally Posted by The Macho Man
Damn, that's a lot of shit to deal with. Keep your head up, homie.

Going behind your back is definitely fvcked up but her not being committed to be there while you're recovering is worse.

And the dog thing just seems immature.

Just a whole bunch of bullshit you shouldn't have to be dealing with when your about to get a new kidney and shit.




And the jerking off thing Who even requests that shit?

Yeah. I think I'm dealing with it ok. Better than I would have anticipated if somebody told me this shit would go down last month. I think the jerking off guy is a little younger and more immature. I don't think the issue though is who the guy is, but that she is looking at others as possible people to be with. My initial reaction to him jerking in front of her was more WTF than anger when she told me. I probably had the exact same face as:

shortly followed by
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Old 04-26-2012, 03:41 AM   #11
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Default Re: Not my best day.... (possibly a tl;dr for many)

I think she's trying to get you to dump her. She doesn't want to be the **** that dumped her boyfriend of 6 years a month before he had a kidney transplant.

I agree with reppy, it's better you found out now than 5 years from now when you're married with kids.

You sound like a good dude, so keep your chin up and soldier on through it. You'll be a better man for it when you come out on the other side.
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Old 04-26-2012, 03:46 AM   #12
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Default Re: Not my best day.... (possibly a tl;dr for many)

Watch the movie 50/50 and then apply whatever u take from it to your life
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Old 04-26-2012, 03:47 AM   #13
Myth
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Default Re: Not my best day.... (possibly a tl;dr for many)

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Originally Posted by bmulls
I think she's trying to get you to dump her. She doesn't want to be the **** that dumped her boyfriend of 6 years a month before he had a kidney transplant.

I've wondered this. If I do break up with her though, I'm pretty sure she is still the one that comes out looking bad. Making her look bad isn't my goal though. As of right now, I don't hate her, in fact I still love her.... which of course is what makes it difficult. Not that I'm a vengeful person, but if I were, I even know how to get my revenge: Convince her to quit her job (the only one she has ever liked) and move to Cali, then dump her. But as I said, I would not intentionally do this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bmulls
I agree with reppy, it's better you found out now than 5 years from now when you're married with kids.

100% agree.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bmulls
You sound like a good dude, so keep your chin up and soldier on through it. You'll be a better man for it when you come out on the other side.

Probably a better psychologist too, lol.
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Old 04-26-2012, 03:49 AM   #14
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Default Re: Not my best day.... (possibly a tl;dr for many)

Quote:
Originally Posted by macmac
Watch the movie 50/50 and then apply whatever u take from it to your life

I saw it about a month ago, but the sequence of events escapes me. Did his ex cheat on him before or after the cancer diagnosis?

Also, one part I will not apply is how terrible his therapist was. Though, my girlfriend and I did talk about seeing a couples therapist.
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Old 04-26-2012, 03:58 AM   #15
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Default Re: Not my best day.... (possibly a tl;dr for many)

IMO, you should never get "revenge".. because it suddenly "justifies" the person for treating you badly. "Yeah, I cheated on him.. but look at what he did to me when he found out! He deserved to be cheated on!"

Best advice I've heard on getting "revenge" after a bad break up? Don't talk to the girl anymore. Don't be spiteful or anything.. just don't talk to 'em. Drives 'em nuts for some reason.

And then.. you gotta forgive the girl. She doesn't have to know. But you can't harbor anger or hate in your heart because it harms you in other ways.
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