10. CRUELLA DeVIL
Just so we’re perfectly clear here, there’s only two ways that this woman could possibly have gotten the name “Cruella.” First, it could be her natural name which makes you wonder just how horrible of a baby she could have been. I mean, she already had the name “DeVil” and her parents went and saddled her with a name like “Cruella?” How evil was this baby anyway? Did she pop out, use her cord as a bungee, and bite the doctor in the balls?
The second way she could have gotten her name is if she went and changed it herself. I can see it now… her parents named her something cute and ironic like Angel DeVil and, when she came of age, she took a good look at her name and said, “**** that! I’m Cruella!” She’s a b!tch and she’s proud of it.
Forgetting for a moment the fact that this woman is already a “cruel devil” in your mind when you first hear her name, for God’s sake… this is a woman who was going to slaughter and skin over a hundred Dalmatian puppies so that she could look fashionable! I bet you money that b!tch has tsunami orphans working for 3 cents a day somewhere in Thailand!
She’s a b!tch, dahling!
9. EVIL LYN
Evil Lyn is a lot like The Baroness from GI Joe, only a lot more scary. There is a certain allure to her, but for some reason every fantasy I have about her ends with her pulling out my intestines and eating them.
So yeah, considerably less sexy than The Baroness with that manish voice and butch demeanor… at least now we understand the strange tension between her and Teela.
But what makes this raging bull-dyke a b!tch? Well, for one thing she’s almost the personification of evil in Eternia, cares nothing for her fellow man, and would fu
ck over Skeletor the first chance she got to take over his entire empire. You know, she’s such a b!tch that if she did take over Snake Mountain, I have a feeling that He-Man and the Masters of the Universe would be pretty much screwed.
The remake made her into an even bigger b!tch. I mean, for God's sake... this woman's name is Evil Lyn! There's no mamby pamby trotting around with a subtle name like "Cruella DeVil", when you hear the name Evil, you're not expecting this broad to bake you cookies and give you a foot massage like a normal woman should.
Toot is a hoot, but this witch is a b!tch, that’s for sure.
Every reality show has a b!tch and filling that role on Drawn Together is this veteran of the old black and white toons and Betty Boop knock off.
Toot’s one perverse pleasure is to turn everyone’s life upside down and to stuff her fat gullet with as much food as possible. In the first episode, she tells everyone at home that she’s going to be the series’ b!tch and that pretty much set the bar for her. I mean, to get a little high, she put poor little Ling-Ling through hell just so she could lick his back for a buzz.
I’m not sure how many of you guys will remember this b!tch, but near the end of Thundercat’s run, Luna and her fellow Lunattacks were brought in to replace the mutants as a more deadly enemy to Lion-O and his kin and essentially, all the Thundercat fans hated her and her whole pathetic lot.
Aside from the usual reasons for being a b!tch – evil, mean, sadistic. bossy, and not being in the kitchen – there was one glaring reason why Luna is one of the biggest b!tches we’ve seen in two-dimensional hand drawn glory.
What the sh!t is this? Yeah, she’s short… but she’s got two perfectly good legs on her and yet she feels like she has to ride on the back of a mentally retarded guy with a pituitary disorder? I don’t have the words. Seriously, I don’t have them…
You don't see Vern Troyer riding Big Show like a horse. The b!tch has no excuse.
It doesn’t take much to recognize the amount of b!tchery that this character has. Sweet and innocent to the grown-ups, but a tormentor and hag to other babies, Angelica is the ultimate two-faced harpy and the kind of kid you just want to strangle for a few hours.
Let's be frank here, kids, we all knew an Angelica when we were little and we all hated her. If you didn't know an Angelica when you were little... it was you.
This b!tch definitely put the rat in Rugrats.
5. MISS. PIGGY
I’m thankful that Miss Piggy was turned into a cartoon for Muppet Babies because, let’s face it, no list of famous b!tches would be complete without her.
Piggy is sort of like Angelica in that she’s two faced, but Miss Piggy is also a violent little sow repeatedly smacking the crap out of Gonzo and all but raping Kermit. Her short temper and the way she loses her cool makes her a dangerous individual and I'm surprised that Nanny allows her to stay in the nursery with the other babies alone!
Miss Piggy is definitely the destabilizing force in Muppet Babies and, if not for that bacony b!tch, I have a feeling that all of the little tykes would live in peace and harmony.
"Now shall you deal with ME, o Prince - and all the powers of HELL
Out of all of the b!tches to leave the House of Mouse, Maleficent remains the coldest and the scariest. You see, this is a b!tch who not only practices b!tchcraft, but has honed the fine art of b!tchery to a new degree.
Think about it. When she crashed the royal party at the beginning of Sleeping Beauty, she could have just killed the baby and been done with it, going home to watch Desperate Housewives or whatever single b!tches watch. Instead, Maleficent used her magnificent b!tch brain which was, no doubt, boiling over with B!tcha-Caritine – the chemical that makes women into b!tches – and put a curse on the baby to let her live for eighteen years and then kill her… letting everyone get very used to having her around, getting attached to her and all and then BAM! Death by spinning wheel, baby.
You’ve just got to appreciate the sheer amount of callous b!tchiness in that plan.
3. SHEILA BROVLOSKI
Welllllllllllllllllllllllllll, Kyle's mom is a b!tch, she's a big fat b!tch,
She's the biggest b!tch in the whole wide world
She's a mean old b!tch if there ever was a b!tch,
She's a b!tch to all the boys and girls
On Monday she's a b!tch, on Tuesday she's a b!tch
On Wednesday through Saturday she's a b!tch
Then on Sunday, just to be different,
She's a Super-King-Kamehameha Beeyatch
Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom,
She's the biggest b!tch in the whole wide world
She's a mean old b!tch and she has stupid hair
She's a b!tch, b!tch, b!tch, b!tch, b!tch, b!tch, b!tch,
b!tch, b!tch, b!tch, b!tch, b!tch, b!tch, b!tch, b!tch,
She's a stupid b!tch!
Kyle's mom's a b!tch, and she's just a dirty b!tch!
Kyle's mom...is a...biiiitch! Tchah!
Demona is a thousand years old and she spent every day of that thousand years hating humans and trying to think of new and interesting ways of killing them. Over the years, that hatred poisoned her like bad sushi until all those malevolent feelings boiled and bubbled inside of her.
Then, a few years later, she became an ultra-mega winged b!tch of the skies who would just as soon rip off your head and sh!t down your neck stump than look at you.
What makes Demona a true b!tch is her unwillingness to take responsibility for her own actions. You see, the chain of events that started her downfall into b!tchiness began when she betrayed the Gargoyles to the humans (causing their destruction) and, like a true b!tch, she blames everyone else for her own failures like Michael Eisner, Oliver Stone, and Uwe Boll.
I mean, true, it’s rare that a female will take responsibility for anything, but Demona’s been avoiding it for centuries so she’s got to be one of the biggest b!tches on Earth…
…Well, perhaps excluding my number one b!tch:
1. LUCY VAN PELT
Picture this: you have a football and you're playing with a little kid who looks like he's a cancer victim. Now, if you were a mammal like the rest of us, you would let this pathetic loser kick the ball and feel some kind of accomplishment in his poor excuse of a life, but if you're Lucy it's a different story.
Lucy is the biggest b!tch in cartoon and comics history. She's mean to everyone she meets with the exception of Schroeder who she hangs around with and flirts with just to piss him off. She's constantly threatening people and bossing them around, and her fear of germs keeps her from even enjoying the presence of a dog who freakin' dances for his supper. Did I mention that she should just let Charlie Brown kick the goddamn ball just once?
Even with all of her problems... the bossiness, the violence, the germophoblia, Lucy still has the gall to think that she, out of all of the peanuts, has her act together the most so that she can offer her services to the other children as a shrink and then... then, she still wants to take ten cents from them as a fee for her crappy advice.
Lucy Van Pelt can eat a d!ck, drink a bucket of AIDs, and die. She is cartoondom's biggest b!tch.