Bluto (AKA Brutus) is the epitome of the bully, large, crude, and Neanderthal-like. Of course, merely being a bully doesn’t get you on this list… Bluto is the kind of guy who will go and try and steal your girlfriend every time even if she’s an ugly skinny chick with no rack at all. What’s worse, he loves to pick on the guy he’s stealing said bimbo from and, of course, in his mind when a woman says no, it means "take me, I’m yours."
Thankfully, Bluto’s a bastard but not a bright one as he never once thought of eating spinach and beating the **** out of Popeye every now and again.
Jerry reminds me of a little brother. Yeah, the big brother may start the confrontation every now and again, but the little brother does nothing but fan the flames and makes things worse because he knows that his parents aren’t going to let the big brother kick the **** out of him even when he sorely deserves it.
Generally, Jerry wouldn’t be on this list except for the fact that there are plenty of times that Jerry starts fights with Tom for no good damn reason. Jerry steals Tom’s food, bed, or girlfriend (which is sick in of itself) and when Tom tries to stop him, Tom gets bashed in the head and then kicked out by that fat black woman who always takes Jerry’s side, leaving the little vermin to spread bubonic plague and drop mouse feces wherever he goes.
Little brothers are bastards and so is that ****ing mouse.
Skeletor was not only a bastard, but he was a grade-A ******* as well. He was mean to his henchmen, abused his powers, and even though he had a whole ****ing mountain to himself, he wanted to take the Sorceress’ castle too.
Let’s not forget, this is the same guy who made He-Man think that he killed an innocent person just to mindrape him (see PoT, THAT
is how it is done).
In many ways, Skeletor reminded me of this bastardly boss that I had once. Our office would make $30,000 one month and he’d throw a fit because it wasn’t $45,000. We’d work our asses off and make $45,000 the next month and he’d throw a fit because it wasn’t $65,000. Skeletor is that bastardly boss that wants more but isn’t grateful for what he has.
He’s got his own sorceress, he’s got a freakin’ Beast Man as a minion, and best of all, he doesn’t have Orko or anyone else retarded enough to call themselves Ram-Man!
But nooooooo, Skeletor has to continue to be a bastard and want more and more for himself. If that’s not enough, I think he was gay too. How could you have a hot piece of ass like Evil-Lynn sitting next to you all day and continually obsess about He-Man? Supergay.
7. David Xanatos
Xantos is the slick kind of bastard that I aspire to be one day. Rich, good-looking, and charismatic… he lived in an ancient castle he moved brick-by-brick to New York and then placed on top of the world’s tallest skyscraper just to get in with and screw over a bunch of Gargoyles.
Xanatos is another example of a bastard who wanted just a little bit more, but unlike Skeletor, Xanatos was slick about it only adding to his level of bastardliness. He knew what he wanted and it was immortality and he wasn’t going to let anyone get in his way. I mean, for God’s sake, he turned his faithful right-hand man’s right hand into stone just to test to see if one of his schemes worked or not. That, my friends, is bastardly behavior.
Xantos’ bastarditude fueled the show and, after his dramatic and slow change over to the side of good, Gargoyles turned into a pile of ostrich ****.
A testament to the true power of Xanatos’ bastardliness, or just something else this awesome bastard had planned from the beginning? You be the judge.
6. Mr. Burns
It pains me to put Burnsey on the list, because despite his bastardliness, I love the old fart. His presence brightened up even the lamest Simpsons episode.
I mean, what other 104 year-old would go out of his way to skin puppies for a coat or steal the sun from an entire town? How would you feel if you worked for a boss for over 20 years and he couldn’t remember your name? (I know that most of you are going to be spared this humiliation because you’ll probably be destined to work a job with your named embroidered on a shirt, but let me tell you… the pain cuts deep!)
I love you, C. Montgomery Burns (not in a Smithers way), but you are a bastard… a magnificent bastard, but a bastard none the less.
5. Stewie Grifin
Stewie is, perhaps, the most bastardly baby in the known universe. With his eyes set on global domination and with killing the woman who gave birth to him, one must shudder at the very real threat that this toddling asstard poses to the world.
The thing with Stewie is that this little bastard has cuteness on his side and that cuteness blinds many people to the level of bastardicity that he actually exudes.
With his lust for power, penchant for murder, and his bastardly ability to get away with it all, Stewie will forever go down in the annals of cartoon history as one of the most vicious bastards of all time!
4. Lex Luthor
With the Lex of Superman the Animated Series and Justice League Unlimited, there aren’t any pansy-ass schemes to take over the world by using a team made up of a monkey and a retard who leaves clues so that the good guys can catch him, there isn’t a fat pig-squealing sidekick or idiotic nephew, and there ain’t no high school rich-boy angst. Lex is a no-nonsense businessman, a power hungry egomaniac, and a bastard through and through.
The thing about Lex Luthor that makes him such a bastard is the fact that people love him. I mean, he could fire nuclear missile up Superman’s ass and have him crash into a orphanage for crippled war children and the public would still eat him up. I mean, for God’s sake, he went to prison, made a supervillan out of himself, and still almost won the presidency of the United States. I hear that Lex was originally scripted to win the election, but George W. Bush's lawyers threatened to sue for copyright infringement.
3. The Grinch
Do you honestly need a more thorough explanation for this bastard? I mean, this little fuzzy green hunk of crap actually tried to steal Christmas! I don’t mean that figuratively, either kids, I mean this asshat actually rode into town, impersonated Santa Claus, and committed multiple acts of home invasion and burglary on Christmas Eve – stealing gifts, decorations, and food – simply because he found one day out of the entire year annoying.
I mean, even your grade-A bastards will tolerate a lot more than that before they start acting overly bastard-like, but not the Grinch, oh no! He doesn’t even do the normal bastardly things like filing noise complaints or trying to get city ordinances or court orders going like those annoying Aethists do every Christmas, this bastard decided to go in and physically take Christmas away from the Whos and throw all of their holiday spirit into a canyon!
Now, I know what you’re saying, “Duh, but didn’t he reform at the end?” Well, yeah… but it wasn’t permanent as we thought it was as he returned to torment the poor Cat in the Hat for no good damn reason and then terrorized Whoville yet again on Halloween. Some reform that was!
The Grinch is a bastard and once a bastard, always a bastard. What’s next, Grinch? Are you going to steal Arbor Day? You can take my sapling when you pry it out of my cold dead hands, you cheese-eating dick monkey!
2. Eric Cartman
This one is simple. Cartman is a spoiled only child of a mother who smothers him with attention and food, he’s a greedy manipulative pig of a human being, he’s a smartass and a foul-mouthed little prick. Cartman is vindictive and shallow, he’s a liar, a cheat, a smug winner, and a backstabber.
I love this little bastard.
And now, the number 1 bastard in cartoons/comics...
1. Michael Eisner
Yeah, so he’s not a cartoon character. ****er’s still a bastard, though.
Over the last ten years or so, I believe that Michael Eisner has single-handedly caused more damage to the animation world than any other man who has ever existed on the planet. There’s the obvious reason that he’s a bastard in that he was instrumental in killing classic 2-D animation at Disney when sub-par Disney films like Brother Bear and Home on the Range failed to make any money. Instead of blaming a shoddy product, Eisner felt that cell animation is just dead and moved accordingly to stamp it out.
With Disney stock falling and the theme parks getting fewer and fewer visitors thanks to his micromanaging, Eisner was called on to leave his position by Walt Disney’s nephew, but he continued to hang on like a tick sucking the life blood out of his company. Finally, the bastard left and there were few tears.
The failure of Valiant and the other ****ty CGI movies goes to prove that, like so many other things, Eisner was wrong about cell-animation being dead and I only hope that the next person to fill his shoes undoes the damage he’s done to the industry and to Disney in general.
Yeah, he may not be a cartoon, but Michael Eisner is the biggest bastard in cartoons/comics none the less.