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Old 11-28-2006, 04:55 PM   #1
schyza
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Default Joke / Picture of the day!

I know there have been a few joke threads but I thought it would be nice to have one for funny jokes or pictures. I know myself and others post from work and itís always nice to have a little comic relief during the day so with that said here is a list of some funny questions.


If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I went to the bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash is hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill him self, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley famer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

(if you have funny jokes or pics or anything comical please post here so we can all get a good laugh I will try to keep this thread going as long as possible)
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Old 11-28-2006, 05:00 PM   #2
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wow you have a lame sense of humor
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Old 11-28-2006, 05:36 PM   #3
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hahahahahahahahahahahahaha
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Old 11-28-2006, 05:55 PM   #4
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i've seen these years ago
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Old 11-28-2006, 06:38 PM   #5
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Kind of a dead start to this thread, so here's my lame attempt to make it better:

I'm sorry if I offend you.

What does a fat white woman and a brick have in common?
They both get laid by Mexicans.

What's the most confusing day in Harlem?
Father's Day.


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Old 11-28-2006, 06:38 PM   #6
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theres an actor..an out of work actor looking for some work, when out of the blue, his agent rings him up and says "come in i might have some work for you",

so the man goes in and his agent tells him theres a role in a new play and he should go for the audition

...several hours later the gentleman returns home and tells his wife the great news, that hes got a role in a new play, the wife smiles with joy and says " is it a speaking role" and the man says "no i play the husband"
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Old 11-28-2006, 06:58 PM   #7
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Well sorry the 1st post didnít strike you as funny I was trying to make the 1st post a little PC to gauge peopleís offence level. So here is one a little less PC.

A 10 yr old boy dragging a dead frog on a string walks in to a brothel. The madam at the counter asks if he needís help. The boy replied I need a prostitute. The madam looked down at the little boy and said youíre too young. The boy slapped down $500 and said again I need a prostitute. This time the madam looked around to make sure it wasnít a set up then said OK down the hall 2 door on the left. The 10 yr old boy replied dose she have any diseases? The madam replied NO; the little boy said I want one with diseases. The madam said all our girls are clean.

The boy slapped down another $500 and said I want 1 with diseases. The madam paused then said OK 3rd floor the last door on the right the kid starts walking down the hall to the stairs when the lady said WAIT whatís with the dead frog on the string? The boy replied I tell you when Iím leaving.

He goes upstairs and comes back down about 3 minutes later and as he is walking out the door the madam stops him and said OK you said you were going to tell me about the dead frog on the string. The boy said OK when I get home I have a baby sitter coming over tonight and Iím going to have sex with her. Then when my parents come home my Dad is going to driver her home and then heís going to have sex with her. Then my Dad is going to come home all horney from the baby sitter and he is going to have sex with my Mom. Then tomorrow my Dad will leave for work and my Mom will have sex with the milk man

AND THAT IS THE MOTHER ****** THAT KILLED MY FROG.
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Old 11-29-2006, 09:50 AM   #8
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Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.

The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".

The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order".

The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded.

The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on lawyers".

The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why.

The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable".
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Old 11-29-2006, 03:37 PM   #9
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the best thing before sliced bread was bread!!!! =] =]
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Old 11-30-2006, 12:21 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by schyza
Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.

The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".

The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order".

The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded.

The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on lawyers".

The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why.

The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable".

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Old 11-30-2006, 10:35 AM   #11
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Default RE

Local Cuisine:

A tourist has been visiting Cuba for a week. He is leaving the next day and he still hasn't tried the food.

He goes to a restaurant and sits down to order and then sees what the man next to him has. It looks very tasty.

The waiter comes to take his order and the tourist tells him he wants what the other man beside him is having. The waiter says there is no more left.

The tourist then asks him what the meal is and the waiter replies that it is the testicles from the bull that lost the bullfight earlier that morning. He tells the tourist that if he comes back tomorrow he'll save this meal for him.

The tourist thinks, "What the heck, it'll be my last day here," so he comes back the next day and the waiter has his food prepared for him when he comes.

The man eats the meal and thinks it is delicious. But he is confused about one thing. He calls the waiter over and asks him why his meal looked smaller than the meal the other man had the day before.

The waiter replies, "Oh, sorry sir, sometimes the bull wins."

Hell:

Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the
punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to
select his first punishment.

First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The
new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room. The next
room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire.

The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has an
really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a
gorgeous blonde.

The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room.

The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder
and says "okay, you can stop now. You've been relieved".
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Old 11-30-2006, 03:17 PM   #12
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^^^^

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a San Francisco State University graduate from an upper-crust family; well-bred, well-connected and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Texas A & M. Go figure.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word “Timbuktu.”

The San Francisco State graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

“'Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination -- Timbuktu.”

The audience went wild! How, they wondered if the redneck could top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

“Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu”
__________________________________________________ ____________

Three fans are walking to Fenway Park for the Red Sox-Yankees playoff series, when they see a foot sticking out of some bushes. An inspection revealed a dead-drunk naked woman. One man placed his Orioles baseball cap on her right breast. The Red Sox fan placed his cap on her left breast, and the Yankee fan put his over her crotch. They then called the police.
The cop lifted up the Orioles cap, and made a few notes. He then lifted the Red Sox cap and made more notes. Then he lifted the Yankees cap, put it down, lifted it again and put it down. When he lifted it the third time the Yankee fan said, ''What are you doing? Are you some kind of pervert, or what?'' The cop said, I was just confused, usually when I see a Yankee cap, there's an A$$hole under it.''

(IT'S A JOKE SO DONT GET ALL OFFENDED YANKEE FANS)

Last edited by schyza : 11-30-2006 at 03:20 PM.
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Old 12-01-2006, 02:02 PM   #13
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Q. Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A. It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.

Q. What did the blondeís left leg say to her right leg?
A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money

Q. Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A. Because that's where your supposed to wash vegetables.

Q. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof?
A. More leg-room!

Q. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A. Frosted Flakes

Q. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A. An airbag.

Q. What do you call a zit on a blondes ass?
A. Brain tumor.

Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q. What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?
A. Artificial intelligence.

Q. What do you call a blond with a brain?
A. A golden retriever.
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Old 12-01-2006, 03:04 PM   #14
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Default bar joke

ok so , two guys walk into a bar right....

the third one ducks.
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Old 12-01-2006, 04:52 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Timmeh
Kind of a dead start to this thread, so here's my lame attempt to make it better:

I'm sorry if I offend you.

What does a fat white woman and a brick have in common?
They both get laid by Mexicans.

What's the most confusing day in Harlem?
Father's Day.


holy sh-t that's funny.
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