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Old 03-18-2013, 02:09 AM   #1
HardwoodLegend
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Default Haha @ The Holy Bible

Didn't know this was in there.

Ezekiel 23:14-21 is hands down the funniest passage written. That n1gga God is hilarious.

14 “But she carried her prostitution still further. She saw men portrayed on a wall, figures of Chaldeans[a] portrayed in red, 15 with belts around their waists and flowing turbans on their heads; all of them looked like Babylonian chariot officers, natives of Chaldea.[b] 16 As soon as she saw them, she lusted after them and sent messengers to them in Chaldea. 17 Then the Babylonians came to her, to the bed of love, and in their lust they defiled her. After she had been defiled by them, she turned away from them in disgust. 18 When she carried on her prostitution openly and exposed her naked body, I turned away from her in disgust, just as I had turned away from her sister. 19 Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt. 20 There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. 21 So you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when in Egypt your buttocks were caressed and your young breasts fondled.




In the New Life version, the end of verse 20 is changed to "whose flesh was like those of donkeys and whose flow was like that of horses".

Flesh and flow. Brilliant.
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Old 03-18-2013, 02:16 AM   #2
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Default Re: Haha @ The Holy Bible

Lol you just know some dude out of his mind or pissed after a break up wrote that passage. I wonder how many of them exactly it was that got together to write the bible, and how did they know so many would believe them about it being the gospel of some ultimate being.
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Old 03-18-2013, 05:15 AM   #3
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Default Re: Haha @ The Holy Bible

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Old 03-18-2013, 05:27 AM   #4
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Default Re: Haha @ The Holy Bible

Those damn donkey **** horse sperming Chaldeans did it again!
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Old 03-18-2013, 05:29 AM   #5
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Old 03-18-2013, 06:52 AM   #6
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Default Re: Haha @ The Holy Bible

That book is filled with funny stuff.

You can look up the full verses here.

1 Corinthians 11:14 (Men should not have long hair)
1 Corinthians 14:34-35 (Women should remain silent in church)
Deuteronomy 13:6-16 (Death penalty for Apostasy)
Deuteronomy 20:10-14 (Attack city, kill all men, keep women, children as spoils of war)
Deuteronomy 21:18-21 (Death penalty for a rebellious son)
Deuteronomy 22:19-25 (Kill non-virgin/kill adulterers/rapists)
Deuteronomy 22:28-29 (Pay virgin’s parents for raping her)
Ecclesiastes 1:18 (Knowledge is bad)
Exodus 21:1-7 (Rules for buying slaves)
Exodus 35:2 (Death for working on the Sabbath)
Ezekiel 9:5-6 (Murder women/children)
Ezekiel 23:19-20 (A whore who had sex with men hung like donkeys)
Galatians 5:2-4 (If you are circumcised, Christ has nothing for you)
Genesis 1:3,4,5,11,12,16 (God creates light, night and day, plants grow, before creating sun)
Genesis 3:16 (Man shall rule over woman)
Jeremiah 19:9 (Cannibalism)
John 3:18 (He who believes in Jesus is saved, he that doesn’t is condemned)
John 5:46-47 (Jesus references Old Testament)
1 Kings 7:23 (Pi equals 3)
Leviticus 3:1-17 (Procedure for animal sacrifice)
Leviticus 19:19 (No mixed fabrics in clothing)
Leviticus 19:27 (Don’t trim hair or beard)
Leviticus 19:28 (No tattoos)
Leviticus 20:9 (Death for cursing father or mother)
Leviticus 20:10 (Death for adultery)
Leviticus 20:13 (Death for gay men)
Leviticus 20:15 (Death for bestiality)
Leviticus 20:18 (No sex with a woman on her period)
Leviticus 21:17-23 (Ugly people, lame, dwarfs, not welcome on altar)
Leviticus 25:45 (Strangers can be bought as slaves)
Luke 12:33 (Sell your possessions, and give to the poor)
Luke 14:26 (You must hate your family and yourself to follow Jesus)
Mark 10:11-12 (Leaving your spouse for another is adultery)
Mark 10:21-22 (Sell your possessions and give to the poor)
Mark 10:24-25 (Next to impossible for rich to get into heaven)
Mark 16:15-16 (Those who hear the gospel and don’t believe go to hell)
Matthew 5:17-19 (Jesus says he has come to enforce the laws of the Old Testament)
Matthew 6:5-6 (Pray in secret)
Matthew 6:18 (Fast for Lent in secret)
Matthew 9:12 (The healthy don’t need a doctor, the sick do)
Matthew 10:34-37 (Jesus comes with sword, turns families against each other, those that love family more than him are not worthy)
Matthew 12:30 (If you’re not with Jesus, you’re against him)
Matthew 15:4 (Death for not honouring your father and mother)
Matthew 22:29 (Jesus references Old Testament)
Matthew 24:37 (Jesus references Old Testament)
Numbers 14:18 (Following generations blamed for the sins of previous ones)
Psalms 137:9 (Violence against children)
Revelation 6:13 (The stars fell to earth like figs)
Revelation 21:8 (Unbelievers, among others, go to hell)
1 Timothy 2:11-12 (Women subordinate and must remain silent)
1 Timothy 5:8 (If you don’t provide for your family, you are an infidel)
Zechariah 14:2 (Women ravished when city is taken in battle)
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Old 03-18-2013, 07:27 AM   #7
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Default Re: Haha @ The Holy Bible

Quote:
Originally Posted by HardwoodLegend
Didn't know this was in there.

Ezekiel 23:14-21 is hands down the funniest passage written. That n1gga God is hilarious.

14 “But she carried her prostitution still further. She saw men portrayed on a wall, figures of Chaldeans[a] portrayed in red, 15 with belts around their waists and flowing turbans on their heads; all of them looked like Babylonian chariot officers, natives of Chaldea.[b] 16 As soon as she saw them, she lusted after them and sent messengers to them in Chaldea. 17 Then the Babylonians came to her, to the bed of love, and in their lust they defiled her. After she had been defiled by them, she turned away from them in disgust. 18 When she carried on her prostitution openly and exposed her naked body, I turned away from her in disgust, just as I had turned away from her sister. 19 Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt. 20 There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. 21 So you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when in Egypt your buttocks were caressed and your young breasts fondled.




In the New Life version, the end of verse 20 is changed to "whose flesh was like those of donkeys and whose flow was like that of horses".

Flesh and flow. Brilliant.


Are you sure Bladers didn't write that?
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Old 03-18-2013, 07:37 AM   #8
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Default Re: Haha @ The Holy Bible

Quote:
Originally Posted by HardwoodLegend
That n1gga God is hilarious.
Almost as funny as the passage itself. The bible was written by humans.
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Old 03-18-2013, 07:39 AM   #9
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Old 03-18-2013, 08:00 AM   #10
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Default Re: Haha @ The Holy Bible

Quote:
Originally Posted by ace23
Almost as funny as the passage itself. The bible was written by humans.


Most of the world's christians get this. America is unique as we have all these non denominational and independent christian churches that don't have the tradition and history that the orthodox or catholic churches have, so they rely 100% on just the bible. They take it literally.
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Old 03-18-2013, 10:30 AM   #11
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Default Re: Haha @ The Holy Bible

The Bible was written by humans. Very smart, eloquent, organized and sometimes horny/misogynistic humans.

As a Christian growing up, I was raised to believe that each word was inspired by "God's touch" though and that the book was protected from sabotage and rogue human interference under his care.

No longer being Christian, clearly I do not believe that any more. Some of these men had their sex-deprived agendas as motivational fuel for their words.
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Old 03-18-2013, 10:45 AM   #12
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Default Re: Haha @ The Holy Bible

Slightly OT, but it looks like the show about the bible on the History Channel tried to make the devil look like Obama. Anyone else see this?

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/nati...icle-1.1291615


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Old 03-18-2013, 10:50 AM   #13
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Default Re: Haha @ The Holy Bible

Quote:
Originally Posted by HardwoodLegend
The Bible was written by humans. Very smart, eloquent, organized and sometimes horny/misogynistic humans.

As a Christian growing up, I was raised to believe that each word was inspired by "God's touch" though and that the book was protected from sabotage and rogue human interference under his care.

No longer being Christian, clearly I do not believe that any more. Some of these men had their sex-deprived agendas as motivational fuel for their words.


raised catholic. Went to catholic school for 8 years. They taught us that the bible was written by normal people, and that it has constantly been changed and revised. That its full of stories that people wrote on how they thought the world came to be, or how things worked, and that you shouldn't take the bible literally, but just appreciate the lessons it teaches. We were taught it is a holy book, but its supplementary to the religion, not the definitive word.
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Old 03-18-2013, 10:51 AM   #14
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Default Re: Haha @ The Holy Bible

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarcastic
Slightly OT, but it looks like the show about the bible on the History Channel tried to make the devil look like Obama. Anyone else see this?

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/nati...icle-1.1291615



i'm a dem and i think that's awesome.
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Old 03-18-2013, 11:41 AM   #15
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Default Re: Haha @ The Holy Bible

Quote:
Slightly OT, but it looks like the show about the bible on the History Channel tried to make the devil look like Obama. Anyone else see this?
Yeah I watched most of it yesterday. What an odd series. Anyone catch Kevin Garnett conquering Jericho?

And why on earth is the series called "The Bible"? That's goofy. It's the Christian narrative of salvation history. It's contained in a bunch of books that were codified into a definitive collection around 300 AD or so. We call that the Bible because it means "book" in Greek. That title doesn't tell you anything about the story.

Yeah, the Obama Satan was funny. So was the "big black guy with dreds" Samson. So was pretty much everything, actually.

You have to keep in mind that this series is basically a cash cow aimed at midwestern Evangelicals, so the devil resembling Obama is ho-hum.
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