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Old 03-26-2007, 10:50 AM   #1
STelfair31
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Default Demetrius Hudson: A Basketball Story

ey i'm not tryin ta copy mah man Lakerz_Forever(love his story) but i'ma post a story soon......


A lil bit mo detailed and maybe a bit mo interesting.... not ta diss you Lakers_forever..... but that the story.......

Demetrius Hudson is a 10 year old who loves basketball and comes from the rugged neighborhood in Orlando Florida where money, drugs and power are the only that matters but to Demetrius basketball is what matters...after his father was killed and his brother has gone to prison and his mother is crack addict there is no one Demetrius can trust except the ball and his court.... This story is about a young kid using his ability to play basketball and help get him outta the ghetto and into a college and positive atomsphere and it doesn't end there possibly the ultimate dream fo ya young kid playing basketball to make it to the NBA.....
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Old 03-26-2007, 02:41 PM   #2
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Default Re: Demetrius Hudson: A Basketball Story

“Jarrell Hudson” said the Judge. Everyone now turning their attention to a 20 year old black man standing in at 6’4. There was mass confusion as jury members are shuffling in and out of the courtroom as well as family members. As Jarrell sat down waiting to hear the verdict, he looked back to see his little brother Demetrius sitting where he had sat during the entire trial front row first seat. No sign of his mother anywhere that was the story of their lives. He had no expression on his face which frightened him. He glanced back at the Judge. “Mr. Hudson is there anything you would like to say before the verdict is read.” Said the Judge. Jarrell stood up and said “No your honor.” The Judge motioned a jury member to the front of the courtroom. “On the charge of 1st degree murder we the jury find Jarrell Donte Hudson guilty.” This did not shock Demetrius he knew his brother was guilty after the police had came to question him. Jarrell just dropped his head as they lead him into the hallway. The thought of the guilty verdict angered Demetrius. From that day on he would not became another victim to the streets as his mother, father and brother he was destined to make it to the NBA.
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Old 03-26-2007, 02:41 PM   #3
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Default Re: Demetrius Hudson: A Basketball Story

That Was Chapter 1
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Old 03-27-2007, 12:39 PM   #4
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Default Re: Demetrius Hudson: A Basketball Story

CHAPTER 2: WELCOME TO THE 'HOOD

Demetrius walked out of the courthouse wondering who would be at the courts. As he continued to walk to his house he thought of his brother and his feelings suddenly changed. He did feel sad about what happened to Jarrell. He turned to his Avenue to find his friend dribbling the ball around his younger brother. "You can't touch me Dontrell!" said Jerome as he raced around him putting on moves. Dontrell stopped chasing Jerome and yelled as he saw Demetrius " D, what up?!" As he kept approaching them he began to smile "What Up Y'll?" he said. His Ave. was always busy most times during the night. In the day though everyone's bass was up to the new hits, kids outside playin ball and the older people sittin out on the stoops. "Anyone at the courts today 'Rome?" Demetrius asked. "Nah, just some of the old heads tryin ta kick out the young n1ggas." Jerome answered. "You forgot that Tyrell was their tryin ta run everythin." Dontrell cut in. "Yea, I hate that punk but everyone think he so good." said Jerome. In a rushed way Demetrius said "Yea, Yea y'll goin to the courts tonight? I'ma go eat I'll catch up wit y'll later." "Yea" they both responded. Demetrius walked away thinking of supper, but he had somethin else on his mind the condition of his mother.

END OF CHAPTER 2
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Old 03-28-2007, 12:23 PM   #5
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Default Re: Demetrius Hudson: A Basketball Story

if you read please feed!!!
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Old 03-28-2007, 04:16 PM   #6
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Default Re: Demetrius Hudson: A Basketball Story

Quote:
Originally Posted by STelfair31
“Jarrell Hudson” said the Judge. Everyone now turning their attention to a 20 year old black man standing in at 6’4. There was mass confusion as jury members are shuffling in and out of the courtroom as well as family members. As Jarrell sat down waiting to hear the verdict, he looked back to see his little brother Demetrius sitting where he had sat during the entire trial front row first seat. No sign of his mother anywhere that was the story of their lives. He had no expression on his face which frightened him. He glanced back at the Judge. “Mr. Hudson is there anything you would like to say before the verdict is read.” Said the Judge. Jarrell stood up and said “No your honor.” The Judge motioned a jury member to the front of the courtroom. “On the charge of 1st degree murder we the jury find Jarrell Donte Hudson guilty.” This did not shock Demetrius he knew his brother was guilty after the police had came to question him. Jarrell just dropped his head as they lead him into the hallway. The thought of the guilty verdict angered Demetrius. From that day on he would not became another victim to the streets as his mother, father and brother he was destined to make it to the NBA.

Just as a warning, I am offering you constructive criticism, and though it may seem harsh I by no means am aiming to offend. I am more educated in film making and film narravitve and far from being an expert on literature, but they are very similar in structure so I'll help with what I can. If anyone can correct or criticize my advice, please do so as well.

Just a few questions first:
Is this intended to be a short story (chapters are extremely short)?
Who is your focus audience?
How old are you and what is your writing background/experience?

One quick comment: he is only supposed to be 10? Much too young for this story IMO, he uses words like n1gga (which is inappropriate in itself) and appears to be self sufficient without a guardian. Just seems very unfitting for the character's situation.

Ok, with that aside, the most obvious glaring problem is strucutre. As a a potential reader just by looking at the paragraph, I do not want to read it, it looks like a big blob of words. I know this is only a message board but you need to break this down, right now it is one paragraph with no breaks, despite the shift in character focus, speech, narrative etc. Punctuation is also very lack, missing commas

It would take way too long to disect the entire chapter so let's start with the first three senteces, so restructured correctly should look like this:

“Jarrell Hudson” said the Judge.
Everyone now turning their attention to a 20 year old black man standing in at 6’4. There was mass confusion as jury members are shuffling in and out of the courtroom as well as family members.


Notice the break after the speech, a new indented paragraph should begin after the last spoken sentence. Ex.:

"Where is Paul?" he demands through his twitching red mustache.
Knowing full well what will happen to Paul if I tell, I can only shake my head. "I haven't seen him."

"When you do, tell him to report to my tent immediately!"

And remember, the first word to every new paragraph needs to be indented, even though we are unable to do so on this message board.

Last edited by Randy : 04-05-2007 at 04:32 PM.
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Old 03-28-2007, 04:57 PM   #7
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Default Re: Demetrius Hudson: A Basketball Story

I would also recommend taking down chapter 2 for right now so we can focus on chapter one. This way you can take what you learned and put it to the test while revising your second chapter.

But back to your story, I'll put your original text in bold and my input in aarow brackets next to it.

“Jarrell Hudson” said the Judge. <Add a comma after Huson but still inside the quotations. What is the judge's name? Try the Honorable George Hilton or any other name rather than just "judge". I am pretty sure that the defendant is also ordered to rise before the verdict is read which you may want to add, but I can't be 100% sure.>

Everyone now turning their attention to a 20 year old black man standing in at 6’4. <The verb you used, "turning", is in the wrong tense with the rest of the sentence. Describe Jarrell for us, not just as a young black man but his maneurisms as well. Is he looking at the floor in guilt? Crying or looking hopeful? Is he is handcuffs and an orange jumpsuit or a presentable blazer with slacks? Is he sitting or standing (see above), etc? Small details like these can really paint a picture for the reader are crucial for keeping us interested and engaged. I could go on with this but I'll keep it fairly basic for now.>

There was mass confusion as jury members are shuffling in and out of the courtroom as well as family members.<Once again, "was" is in the wrong tense and "are shuffling" should be relaced with simply "shuffle". More importantly however is the fact that this sentence just doesn't make sense. Why is there mass confusion? There is supposed to order in the court. Why are people moving around, especially the jury members? During a verdict, the courtroom is to be silent. And who's family members are shuffling around? I thought Jarrell had very little family and I doubt the victim's family would be trying to leave before the verdict is read.>

I could continue sentence by sentence if you would like, or you could take some of my advice and rewrite chapter one which I'd be more than happy to give more feedback on. Please post any questions or comments you have about my posts.

Last edited by Randy : 03-28-2007 at 04:59 PM.
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Old 04-03-2007, 01:21 PM   #8
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Default Re: Demetrius Hudson: A Basketball Story

read this
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Old 04-05-2007, 04:31 PM   #9
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Default Re: Demetrius Hudson: A Basketball Story

I gave you a ridiculous amount of feedback, what else are looking for?
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