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Old 03-28-2007, 04:57 PM   #7
NBA sixth man of the year
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 7,573
Default Re: Demetrius Hudson: A Basketball Story

I would also recommend taking down chapter 2 for right now so we can focus on chapter one. This way you can take what you learned and put it to the test while revising your second chapter.

But back to your story, I'll put your original text in bold and my input in aarow brackets next to it.

“Jarrell Hudson” said the Judge. <Add a comma after Huson but still inside the quotations. What is the judge's name? Try the Honorable George Hilton or any other name rather than just "judge". I am pretty sure that the defendant is also ordered to rise before the verdict is read which you may want to add, but I can't be 100% sure.>

Everyone now turning their attention to a 20 year old black man standing in at 6’4. <The verb you used, "turning", is in the wrong tense with the rest of the sentence. Describe Jarrell for us, not just as a young black man but his maneurisms as well. Is he looking at the floor in guilt? Crying or looking hopeful? Is he is handcuffs and an orange jumpsuit or a presentable blazer with slacks? Is he sitting or standing (see above), etc? Small details like these can really paint a picture for the reader are crucial for keeping us interested and engaged. I could go on with this but I'll keep it fairly basic for now.>

There was mass confusion as jury members are shuffling in and out of the courtroom as well as family members.<Once again, "was" is in the wrong tense and "are shuffling" should be relaced with simply "shuffle". More importantly however is the fact that this sentence just doesn't make sense. Why is there mass confusion? There is supposed to order in the court. Why are people moving around, especially the jury members? During a verdict, the courtroom is to be silent. And who's family members are shuffling around? I thought Jarrell had very little family and I doubt the victim's family would be trying to leave before the verdict is read.>

I could continue sentence by sentence if you would like, or you could take some of my advice and rewrite chapter one which I'd be more than happy to give more feedback on. Please post any questions or comments you have about my posts.

Last edited by Randy : 03-28-2007 at 04:59 PM.
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