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Old 02-26-2009, 06:15 PM   #1
donsanchez306
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Default should i develop further??? (hip hop heads)

well i write ....i post these on facebook but no one really said anything at all.....should i continue to perfect it or am i wasting my time honestly. ( i don't want to rap battle kids at all i posted one on a thread but i think keyboard battles are wack)

the crumbs off the cookie crumbled into something a newman couldn't fig
the balls bounced funny is all i can tell you man it's rigged
my father said i couldn't give salutations to some pig
because he said he the law he.B White he authored it
it was like my praises were caught in charlottes web
did he have a death wish like charlton heston
i learned words like warrants and arrested
i knew he wasn't going anywhere foreign or interesting
all i knew he wasn't going to be important or invested
i learned it was due to popping more needles than dusty records
he changed habitats because of his habits he must be incorrected
he was smarter than the average man
he wasn't born with the heart of a savage man
something tore him apart from his canvas man
now that sharper man ran dull into brain damage
was he abused or viewed as obtuse and let him recluse
did gangs hang him on a noose started him to boost
as a baby did he see too much juice to set him loose
how do you rebuild around bridges burned to the ground
how do you turn around from getting turned down
apply what you learned now without getting burned down
your a concern now record checks get you firm frowns
the word is around mr. anti-x is what you earned now
how do you hurddle the ground the cream curddled now


now i'm not at mass here i can only preach the atmosphere
close ears are supposed to hear at most fears almost near
but the ghosts appear when the coast is clear and almost here
if you sin here your going to have to be more than sincere
so don't or you have been here and your brain interfered
seen education as a key to engineer proverty into the rear mirror
and those who don't well we're here.
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Old 02-26-2009, 06:16 PM   #2
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Default Re: should i develop further??? (hip hop heads)

this for my own senorita
who makes my soul breath easier
until we grey and old in leisure
you go and i'll lead ya
into a lifestyle of an old diva
so we can kick it like soccer your my goal keeper
never crap out because we roll deeper
because of you im tighter than rolled cheeba
before i was unbalanced like one speaker
fought each other and nobody won either
now its our kid with kobe logan and wannitta
almost sold out on alchol and couldn't come cheaper
would've definitely drowned in some ether
your so good you put me in some seizures
i was almost too dumb to not keep ya
now every 24 is more exciting than keifer's
and if you havent she's dope you gotta meet her
hotter than the sunspots i'm her heatseeker
me and her moms be puffin reefer
looking like we caught up in the sleeper
i can close my eyes and see her features
picture us on some beaches with our feet up
love hit me hard the champs looking beat up
come fly with us and buckle your seat up
hold out your hands and peace up
only eagles in the air can reach us
learned everything our pasts can teach us
now everythings passed can't wait to meet the preacher
lifes permantley altered only thing missing is the alter
embodiment of perfection its hard to fault her
like some gymnist i only want to vault her
all over her bones like a vulture
living our life i only walk away cultured
**** super im feeling ultra
so superstitious i'm throwin salt up
because i dont want this to falter
even this is not good enough feels like i insult her
so i put her on top like a halter
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Old 02-26-2009, 06:17 PM   #3
donsanchez306
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Default Re: should i develop further??? (hip hop heads)

If the monies funny the change is strange
it's running fame in my brain
famous name after name
hunger pain after pain
the coffe cup is empty again
in god we trust is the sayin
hell on earth money in flames
fire in my vain full of diet cocaine
my dream is hung up like hussien
my peers knew from which we came
phantoms of the opera we hide in shame
no two bits no ticket we ride this train
proverty can collide and rearrange
people into orangutans
child abuse is my fathers fame
i got scars from bills unpaid
so the dues were paid to my frame
decked the halls of shame
i pose' its all the same to the insane
the lame and untrained
i posses a tame resume'
sugar water instead of kool aid
clothes from last year on new school day
preppy kids have me drooling away
new jordans new ralph laurens
new tans from everywhere foriegn
noses are soaring
while i couldn't be more boring
higher state clothing has them snoring
i got bruises and black eyes for my decorum
they got blackberries pouring in
whatever i was born in forever we poor men
they have the belly of four men
me and money are warring
boom ba yay ali nobody cheering for me like george foreman
nobody follow we greatful dead touring
zombies from society we are forming
no a/c in the soup kitchens we are swarming
cooking in global warming
we will eat you thats a warning
take the newspaper from me
i'm making history while you read his story
what would you pay for my two cents
we nickel and dime bottles for some new tents
new age mutants view you as dense
our **** don't stink we couldn't smell ascent
ya a payroll would be decent
but the shallow couldn't buy the time we spent
on the deep end
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Old 02-26-2009, 06:19 PM   #4
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Default Re: should i develop further??? (hip hop heads)

sometimes words are so upity and i'm so ugly
disturbs thier cup of tea
it's an abusive relationship we are bad company
i knock them out like the ninth symphony
but they come back to me like a beaten puppy
katt williams flow it's pimpin pimping
they want to believe like david duchovny
chopping them up my pen is cutlery
cleaning house oh so butlery
words just wanna play like rudy
so this sheriff shot his deputy
we good buddies like chucky
it's childs play like duffy
penalized ten bars for roughing
****! game misconduct for cussing
good artists borrow great ones steal
so from picasso im brushing
suited for the chase i am flushing
words smoking like constantine
coming to party like a confident teen
but our chemistry is an imcompetent team
yes! the doctrines mean
but the doctor in me needs surgery
kurtis is curtains currently
words circulating like currency until the bury me
hung me up and pulled the chair from me
psycho like evan bates wearing me
got flow? i do marry me
no! i freestyle so sparingly
so don't bother getting air from me
jeckyl and hide is how you compare to me
looking in the mirror i say stop staring
but they say show and tell you share with me.
putting these lines together is like mental tetris
i'm addicted like cigarettes
mind tight in excess growing like an absess
pen writes whatever they adresss
my dendrites are forever a mess
all work and no play like jack nicholas
big cheif in this kookoo's nest
coming off the books like psycho les
beating my own best is a process
it's the secret annex
my thoughts are anne frank in the darkness.....
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Old 02-26-2009, 06:20 PM   #5
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Default Re: should i develop further??? (hip hop heads)

in dreams:

blind eyes seen the scene
deaf ears become keen
dumb lips finally scream
wheelchairs carry no knees
no ghetto no fiends no nicotine
poor kids have wii's
the ease of no disease
life beyond the teens
a second before suicide god intervenes
you have no enemies
armless armory in every army
hell becomes empty
while heaven is bursting at the seams
clogged arteries become clean
left undone becomes achevied
wisdom in every breath i breathe
until i become one with me and everything


in nightmares:

moments of zen become ingorance of men
garbage dumps become play pens
no one ever stay friends
wake up when the day ends
because of the mourning and the praying
predators are preying
and life is just decaying
from birth to slaying
bullets are spraying where kids are playing
no ones worth saving
art is not worth portraying
and the rest is not worth saying.
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Old 02-26-2009, 06:21 PM   #6
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Default Re: should i develop further??? (hip hop heads)

the lions strecth in africas best shade
and the jackals wait for it's fresh made
the prey drinks the well while the alligator awaits
as the horizon changes it's shape
the snakes hiss and the bat shrieks
the tier below are blind until they see under the teeth
the chief is not with the steel but the first to the meat
the fire dosen't seek but can make all meek
they all leave the strong and take the weak
they all die if one doesn't eat.

*scratching*
"it's a funny thing killing....*scratch*....you take all hes got and all he's gonna get" clint eastwood as william munny

* "i don't deserve this" gene hackman " deserve has got nothing to do with it" c.e as w.m *

* "i seen the angel of death....the river....he's got snake eyes ....i seen maggie" (*) " that's good will" morgan freeman " she had worms all over her face ...i'm so afraid of dying" * c.e as w.m


the sand is a mirror as the sun hits it right
the hot air captures their minds sight
moisture and oxygen tangle like a scorpion fight
don't believe the hype
h20 is precious even to a cactus's life
that oasis turns to a dune in the bitter cold night
every grain like water in the wind
the last in a hour glass could be a final action
pulling you under with no traction
the waves in a storm bury you with satisfaction
the camal on your smoke pack will be the only thing laughing.

*scratching*
"it's a funny thing killing....*scratch*....you take all hes got and all he's gonna get" clint eastwood as william munny

* "i don't deserve this" gene hackman " deserve has got nothing to do with it" c.e as w.m *

* "i seen the angel of death....the river....he's got snake eyes ....i seen maggie" (*) " that's good will" morgan freeman " she had worms all over her face ...i'm so afraid of dying" * c.e as w.m


time stared at picasso and said draw
like it was the last thing you saw
because one day that will be all.
it said to einstien count
add up all the amounts
you'll find from then and now
im as relative as the noun.
smiled upon you
from the first breath you drew
poor or exeptional
when its time to go you might not have clue
time killed hate, love, war, and peace too.


*scratching*
"when i come out nobody shoot, or i won't kill just you, i'll kill your wife, kids, and anybody who called you friend". "
** ".....i'll come back and burn this town down" c.e as w.m

(not word for word qoutes from unforgiven gotta watch it again)
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Old 02-26-2009, 06:23 PM   #7
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Default Re: should i develop further??? (hip hop heads)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i hear U.M.C like common pharrell
i move crowds for no common wealth
i only come and help
the thirsty to a common well
living like a preacher calm in hell
hoping the amens prevail
never taken back like a promise failed
choked up like a bong inhaled
i'm so gone on detail
like a premadonna's fingernail
fight or flight i do both like an armored shell
fawk tall you wouldn't stand at all rather harm yourself
trying to look pretty you only charm yourself
rather starve than farm yourself
yes i do know karma well
may come a day when i'll have to arm myself
i'll bet it all and burn the barn myself
never wipe the crumbs out
the side of your mouth
outside of your house
just outside of a drought
the starving homeless will put you south
have you turned around like a round-a-bout
treat your face like salutations and pound it out
talking about beef and grinding they already ground it out
they don't talk money they just sound it out
catch you jokers clownin around
asking why so serious and frownin around
have you like kanye and cam'ron down and out
lights out
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Old 02-26-2009, 06:55 PM   #8
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Default Re: should i develop further??? (hip hop heads)

It's alright.. work on it.. I wouldn't call it good right now
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Old 02-26-2009, 06:57 PM   #9
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Default Re: should i develop further??? (hip hop heads)

give up do you know how many other little poser wannabe rappers with no flow there are out there? Then there is the huge amount of extremely talented rappers who don't even get record deals. Clearly you are not talented, and not very good, if you do it for a hobby and fun just keep doing it, but serious don't expect to make anything out of it.
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Old 02-26-2009, 06:59 PM   #10
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Default Re: should i develop further??? (hip hop heads)

Quote:
Originally Posted by lilmarcgasol
give up do you know how many other little poser wannabe rappers with no flow there are out there? Then there is the huge amount of extremely talented rappers who don't even get record deals. Clearly you are not talented, and not very good, if you do it for a hobby and fun just keep doing it, but serious don't expect to make anything out of it.

Your cold you god damn Mayo-groupie. If you know somethin' about flow, swagga, etc. You have to come up with something better than this guy did, I know it's not that good, but being this cold, YOU must be a fucking god at this shit.
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Old 02-26-2009, 07:11 PM   #11
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Default Re: should i develop further??? (hip hop heads)

Quote:
Originally Posted by lilmarcgasol
give up do you know how many other little poser wannabe rappers with no flow there are out there? Then there is the huge amount of extremely talented rappers who don't even get record deals. Clearly you are not talented, and not very good, if you do it for a hobby and fun just keep doing it, but serious don't expect to make anything out of it.
LOL im not trying to make money i don't even rap i plan to make my money like a man GUILE. thank you i just wanted to know if i could develop this ****ty work into something alot better ..... suggestions, help with flow, etc.
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Old 02-26-2009, 07:14 PM   #12
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Default Re: should i develop further??? (hip hop heads)

Quote:
Originally Posted by J000
It's alright.. work on it.. I wouldn't call it good right now
thank you for input.....i just need help with this because i want a reallllly goooooood mark in english in terms with poetic writing and my teacher is like too supportive like THIS IS REALLY GOOD and im smarter than that.
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Old 02-26-2009, 07:20 PM   #13
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Default Re: should i develop further??? (hip hop heads)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kyle Lowry
keep writing. the more you write the better yer writing will get.
cool , i try to write to keep improving ... i just have people who tell me it's REALLY GOOD (in a way i know is like fake)


this is like the roughest drafts and i want to be at least above average in poetry after working harder.......so if anyone knows how to improve me ...please say something
anything even if it's like lilmarcgasols' comment *( i don't even care if you suck at writing just pitch me something)*
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Old 02-26-2009, 09:59 PM   #14
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Default Re: should i develop further??? (hip hop heads)

if you want to take it to another level you have to keep writing and start freestyling.

that being said, i read half of the first rhyme and imo you need to get some style. those sound like raps for a 10th grade english class. the most important thing i'd say to you is stop trying so hard, a lot of the lines sound really forced.
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Old 02-27-2009, 11:08 AM   #15
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Default Re: should i develop further??? (hip hop heads)

Quote:
Originally Posted by hito da god
if you want to take it to another level you have to keep writing and start freestyling.

that being said, i read half of the first rhyme and imo you need to get some style. those sound like raps for a 10th grade english class. the most important thing i'd say to you is stop trying so hard, a lot of the lines sound really forced.
taken into consideration. i will look at what you said strongly as i try to improve.
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