Each and every year, I joyfully celebrate Christmas is the most abstract and enigmatic fashions. Once when I was around nine years old, I dressed up as Santa, climbing on the roof of my house accidently falling down the chimney breaking my legs trying to be St. Nick himself. Christmas time for me is always bliss, except for this year. I finally found out why they call it "X"mas.
Last weekend, I really wanted to go to this rave party. Problem is, the rave was in the big city and I was stuck out here in BFE (that's bum fuc
k Ethiopia for those who are acronymic challenged). I can't drive, b/c last weekend I lost my license due to getting my third MWD (m@sturbating while driving). This rave was extremely important, b/c my ex was going to be there. She told me if I come to the rave and give her some X pills she'll take me back and let me put my face in her muff.
Hitchhiking was really my only option, so I said what the hell. So it's about 9:30, freezing and dark as Bernie Mac. As I'm walking down the highway towards the big city, I'm awaiting someone to give me a lift. I keep seeing headlights and my thumb is out as far as far can be, yet no one will pick me up. I know if I was driving, I wouldn't pick up strangers either. I began to think this was a hopeless idea and started to ponder the possibility of just turning back and going home.
Suddenly, someone came to my rescue. They pulled over and rolled down their window. It was just one fruitcake all by himself. This guy was rockin' a pink sweater looking like the next best thing to Mr. Rogers. I really didn't want to ride with this freak, but I needed to get to this rave even more. He asked if I needed a ride, and I said yes going to the big city. He told me to hop on in.
As we're driving down the road, this freak is sucking on a sucker very obtuse and perverted like. I knew this guy was a freak, I just knew it. He pulled the sucker out of his mouth and said "why you headed to the big city silly toots"
... very standoffishly I said to a rave party. He said "OOOOO I love raves!"
... I didn't respond. A few minutes later he asked if I like rap music. I said sometimes. He put on a Vanilla Ice CD. Ice Ice Baby of all things.
So we're jamming on our way to the big city when I see a sign that says "BIG CITY 13 MILES" ... I was pretty happy to see that sign... almost there. The guy driving looked at me with this meddlesome stare and said "big city here we ... c_u_m"
... I thought please Jesus just get us to the rave already! Out of nowhere a few minutes later we see blue lights behind us. This is when things really started to get sticky.
The guy driving says "what does this little piggy want... I wasn't speeding!"
... I didn't say anything ... I just knew I was going back to jail b/c I was already on probation and had eight X pills on me. I just knew I was doomed. Only a miracle could have saved me from this perfidious hole I had gotten myself into. Suddenly, the Mr. Rogers freak yells "OMG!!! OMG!!! I bet they recognize my car... I'm wanted in three different states for sexually assaulting old people helpless in their wheel chairs!"
... I just shook my head in disbelief.
I told him to just go ahead and pull over, it's all over. He said "Nu-ugh honey child, I ain't going back to jailz"
... I told him fuc
k it then, out run this pig and get us the hell out of here. I pull the X pills out of my pocket. The driver asked me what those where... I said X pills I'm going to throw them out the window. He then pulled out a gun from the driver side door and pistol whipped my ass. He put that clock in my face and said "no way mutha-fucka, you gonna eat that shit fool"
... I said eat it? It'll kill me! He said if I throw it out the window, they'll find them.
At this point, I really couldn't tell if he was serious or not. He then put the gun to the side of my dome and said "DID YOU NOT HEAR MY QUEER INSANE ASS TELL YOU TO EAT THAT ISH MUTHA-FUCKA!?!? ... EAT IT!!!"
... I said OK OK, just don't blast me, god. So I ate them, all of them. The thought of suicide was disregarded as I swallowed them whole. I was choking on them... I needed something to flush them down with. The driver then hands me a bottle of Aquafina.. and said "here you go sugar titz, this should help"
... in a very calm and cool tone... like he snapped awhile ago then suddenly changed back.
All the while this cop is still on our tail. The driver told me to grab the wheel for a second. He then puts half of his body out the window sitting on the door ... then takes off his pink Mr. Rogers sweater and twirls it around his head (Petey Pablo style) for a few seconds then releases the sweater as it lands on the cop car's windshield. The cop goes off the side of the road and lands in a very deep ditch. A few seconds later we hear a loud BOOM! and see a big explosion behind us. We then ^ 5ed each other.
Now we see a sign that says "BIG CITY 3 MILES AHEAD" ... so I smile... but then I realize I don't have any more rolls to give my ex... and I say damn it! hitting the dash board really hard. I tell the driver my story and how I'm now all out of X pills. He told me she'll probably still take me back, but I knew deep within she wouldn't believe my story and she'd probably never talk to me again.
As we're getting closer and closer to the big city... I begin to feel very, VERY tingly inside. I was already rolling off a few X pills before I left the house, but I had never done so much at one time. The thought of a fatal overdose crossed my mind as well. The driver then puts in a Jay Z CD... Vol. 2 Hard Knock Life to be exact...
As we're getting closer and closer to my destination my XTC trip is really beginning to kick in. I'm feeling things I've never felt before... and my vision is beginning to become extremely blurry. Beyond disoriented, I still notice the driver drove right past the rave club. I said "Hey man... "
... no response... I said again a little louder "Hey man... you missed my spot"
still nothing... so as I slowly turn my head towards the driver I begin to almost black out my eyes about to close indefinitely.
As I find the strength and will to open my eyes and confront the driver... I suddenly open them amazed and scared shi
t-less at what I was seeing. It was that damn gorilla from my reoccurring dreams! He had on that red bandana all thugged out ... leaning back gripping the steering wheel with one hand, had a King Cobra 40 in the other looking all liquored up and ill.
He said in a gorilla voice "Hey mutha-fucka... you like this song?!"
... scared to death... I said "what song?"
... he said "you know... # 5"
... I said what's that?"
... then I hear the chorus ... JIGGA WHAT!? ... JIGGA WHO?! ... the gorilla then throws the 40 in the backseat ... then grabs my head and smashes it throw the windshield ... glass shatters everywhere but I don't feel anything cause I'm rolling my ass off... from what I can remember... it was a pretty good feeling but I had blacked out.
I was in a coma for a few days...
When I woke up yesterday, the doctors had told me my X overdose had actually saved my life. Had something to do with the nerve transmitters being blocked or something after the impact. They said there was no report of a gay driver or thugged out gorilla. They said they found me in the bathroom with the mirror busted all to pieces. The police report had said they thought it was an attempted case of suicide by getting doped up on X and then running into the bathroom mirror head first.
I wonder what really happened? I guess now I know why they call it "X"mas.