I have determined why Drew Gooden has such wildly inconsistent games even moreso lately than ever. It’s because a midget has secretly moved into Gooden’s giant beard. Even Drew doesn’t know he’s there. And sometimes, before games, the midget takes a nap, forgets to sneak out before tipoff, and has to stay hidden in there during the game, weighing Gooden down and causing him to play badly. But when the midget sneaks out before the game, Gooden is lighter, more agile and puts up big stats.

Gooden was fairly inconsistent in the past, and I have no secret explanation for that.