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The Magical T-Mac
Haha @ The Holy Bible
Didn't know this was in there.
Ezekiel 23:14-21 is hands down the funniest passage written. That n1gga God is hilarious.
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(◣_◢) CoLa
Re: Haha @ The Holy Bible
Lol you just know some dude out of his mind or pissed after a break up wrote that passage. I wonder how many of them exactly it was that got together to write the bible, and how did they know so many would believe them about it being the gospel of some ultimate being.
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Greatest Of All Time
Re: Haha @ The Holy Bible
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Lurker
Re: Haha @ The Holy Bible
Those damn donkey **** horse sperming Chaldeans did it again!
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kobeee!!
Re: Haha @ The Holy Bible
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Rivalries Never Die
Re: Haha @ The Holy Bible
That book is filled with funny stuff.
You can look up the full verses here.
1 Corinthians 11:14 (Men should not have long hair)
1 Corinthians 14:34-35 (Women should remain silent in church)
Deuteronomy 13:6-16 (Death penalty for Apostasy)
Deuteronomy 20:10-14 (Attack city, kill all men, keep women, children as spoils of war)
Deuteronomy 21:18-21 (Death penalty for a rebellious son)
Deuteronomy 22:19-25 (Kill non-virgin/kill adulterers/rapists)
Deuteronomy 22:28-29 (Pay virgin’s parents for raping her)
Ecclesiastes 1:18 (Knowledge is bad)
Exodus 21:1-7 (Rules for buying slaves)
Exodus 35:2 (Death for working on the Sabbath)
Ezekiel 9:5-6 (Murder women/children)
Ezekiel 23:19-20 (A whore who had sex with men hung like donkeys)
Galatians 5:2-4 (If you are circumcised, Christ has nothing for you)
Genesis 1:3,4,5,11,12,16 (God creates light, night and day, plants grow, before creating sun)
Genesis 3:16 (Man shall rule over woman)
Jeremiah 19:9 (Cannibalism)
John 3:18 (He who believes in Jesus is saved, he that doesn’t is condemned)
John 5:46-47 (Jesus references Old Testament)
1 Kings 7:23 (Pi equals 3)
Leviticus 3:1-17 (Procedure for animal sacrifice)
Leviticus 19:19 (No mixed fabrics in clothing)
Leviticus 19:27 (Don’t trim hair or beard)
Leviticus 19:28 (No tattoos)
Leviticus 20:9 (Death for cursing father or mother)
Leviticus 20:10 (Death for adultery)
Leviticus 20:13 (Death for gay men)
Leviticus 20:15 (Death for bestiality)
Leviticus 20:18 (No sex with a woman on her period)
Leviticus 21:17-23 (Ugly people, lame, dwarfs, not welcome on altar)
Leviticus 25:45 (Strangers can be bought as slaves)
Luke 12:33 (Sell your possessions, and give to the poor)
Luke 14:26 (You must hate your family and yourself to follow Jesus)
Mark 10:11-12 (Leaving your spouse for another is adultery)
Mark 10:21-22 (Sell your possessions and give to the poor)
Mark 10:24-25 (Next to impossible for rich to get into heaven)
Mark 16:15-16 (Those who hear the gospel and don’t believe go to hell)
Matthew 5:17-19 (Jesus says he has come to enforce the laws of the Old Testament)
Matthew 6:5-6 (Pray in secret)
Matthew 6:18 (Fast for Lent in secret)
Matthew 9:12 (The healthy don’t need a doctor, the sick do)
Matthew 10:34-37 (Jesus comes with sword, turns families against each other, those that love family more than him are not worthy)
Matthew 12:30 (If you’re not with Jesus, you’re against him)
Matthew 15:4 (Death for not honouring your father and mother)
Matthew 22:29 (Jesus references Old Testament)
Matthew 24:37 (Jesus references Old Testament)
Numbers 14:18 (Following generations blamed for the sins of previous ones)
Psalms 137:9 (Violence against children)
Revelation 6:13 (The stars fell to earth like figs)
Revelation 21:8 (Unbelievers, among others, go to hell)
1 Timothy 2:11-12 (Women subordinate and must remain silent)
1 Timothy 5:8 (If you don’t provide for your family, you are an infidel)
Zechariah 14:2 (Women ravished when city is taken in battle)
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Alpha Tarheel
Re: Haha @ The Holy Bible
[QUOTE=HardwoodLegend]Didn't know this was in there.
Ezekiel 23:14-21 is hands down the funniest passage written. That n1gga God is hilarious.
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*****
Re: Haha @ The Holy Bible
Originally Posted by HardwoodLegend
That n1gga God is hilarious.
Almost as funny as the passage itself. The bible was written by humans.
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kobeee!!
Re: Haha @ The Holy Bible
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Very good NBA starter
Re: Haha @ The Holy Bible
Originally Posted by ace23
Almost as funny as the passage itself. The bible was written by humans.
Most of the world's christians get this. America is unique as we have all these non denominational and independent christian churches that don't have the tradition and history that the orthodox or catholic churches have, so they rely 100% on just the bible. They take it literally.
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The Magical T-Mac
Re: Haha @ The Holy Bible
The Bible was written by humans. Very smart, eloquent, organized and sometimes horny/misogynistic humans.
As a Christian growing up, I was raised to believe that each word was inspired by "God's touch" though and that the book was protected from sabotage and rogue human interference under his care.
No longer being Christian, clearly I do not believe that any more. Some of these men had their sex-deprived agendas as motivational fuel for their words.
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NBA Legend and Hall of Famer
Re: Haha @ The Holy Bible
Slightly OT, but it looks like the show about the bible on the History Channel tried to make the devil look like Obama. Anyone else see this?
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/nati...icle-1.1291615
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Very good NBA starter
Re: Haha @ The Holy Bible
Originally Posted by HardwoodLegend
The Bible was written by humans. Very smart, eloquent, organized and sometimes horny/misogynistic humans.
As a Christian growing up, I was raised to believe that each word was inspired by "God's touch" though and that the book was protected from sabotage and rogue human interference under his care.
No longer being Christian, clearly I do not believe that any more. Some of these men had their sex-deprived agendas as motivational fuel for their words.
raised catholic. Went to catholic school for 8 years. They taught us that the bible was written by normal people, and that it has constantly been changed and revised. That its full of stories that people wrote on how they thought the world came to be, or how things worked, and that you shouldn't take the bible literally, but just appreciate the lessons it teaches. We were taught it is a holy book, but its supplementary to the religion, not the definitive word.
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Very good NBA starter
Re: Haha @ The Holy Bible
Originally Posted by Sarcastic
i'm a dem and i think that's awesome.
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talk less, say more
Re: Haha @ The Holy Bible
Slightly OT, but it looks like the show about the bible on the History Channel tried to make the devil look like Obama. Anyone else see this?
Yeah I watched most of it yesterday. What an odd series. Anyone catch Kevin Garnett conquering Jericho?
And why on earth is the series called "The Bible"? That's goofy. It's the Christian narrative of salvation history. It's contained in a bunch of books that were codified into a definitive collection around 300 AD or so. We call that the Bible because it means "book" in Greek. That title doesn't tell you anything about the story.
Yeah, the Obama Satan was funny. So was the "big black guy with dreds" Samson. So was pretty much everything, actually.
You have to keep in mind that this series is basically a cash cow aimed at midwestern Evangelicals, so the devil resembling Obama is ho-hum.
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