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An imaginary interview with an imaginary sports expert

By Dennis Hans

What follows are excerpts from my (imaginary) interview with Rush Limbaugh for the August 2003 edition of "For Laker Lovers Only," the unofficial magazine of the Los Angeles Lakers. All of the words but none of the mentality have been changed, to implicate the guilty.

Editor's note: In case you somehow missed it, this is an imaginary interview. And any expressed or implied political views are not necessarily those of this website. Enjoy.

Dennis Hans: I understand you're an NBA fan.

Rush Limbaugh: Absolutely.

DH: Did the Magic Johnson "Showtime" Lakers of the Eighties thrill you as much as they thrilled me?

RL: Yes, but what you call "Showtime" I call "The Rambis Era." Kurt Rambis was the straw that stirred the Lakers' drink, my friend. He set the tone with his hustle and desire, and his nerd-style glasses were proof positive he was the smartest player on the court. Magic, when he wasn't fornicating with floosies, merely followed Kurt's lead.

DH: But Kurt wasn't a one-man gang. There was Cooper, Scott, Worthy-

RL: Worthy?! The only "worthy" players, besides Rambis, were Mark Landsberger and the Carolina Cager, Mitch Kupchak. Give me twelve Mitch Kupchaks and I'll never lose a game.

DH: You'd need a point guard.

RL: Not with 12 Mitch Kupchaks.

DH: Seems to me you're forgetting arguably the greatest center of all time, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

RL: Seems to me you're forgetting he was an average player puffed up by the pro-Muslim sports media.

DH: It's no accident Kareem's a proud possesser of six championship rings.

RL: The only thing I recall him possessing was that stash of pot when he was busted at the airport.

DH: But nothing came of it because he had a medicinal-marijuana prescription for chronic migraines. Surely you don't begrudge Kareem the use of a low-risk medicine to relieve severe pain.

RL: Doing dope is ALWAYS wrong - particularly if the fiend is a sports or media celebrity. We role models have a special obligation to the young people who worship us.

DH: Those headaches were intense.

RL: Your excuses don't change the fact that Kareem was a violent, deranged pothead who should have been locked up with Jesse Jackson years ago.

DH: Jesse Jackson isn't in prison.

RL: True, but most of the inmates look just like him.

DH: I don't think that's the case, but maybe one day you could find out for yourself.

RL: What's that supposed to mean?

DH: Merely suggesting a research project. Can we talk about the current Lakers?

RL: Let's do.

DH: They've been on a roll, taking three of the last four NBA titles. What's your opinion of the zen master, head coach Phil Jackson?

RL: The Marxist confidante of demonic Democrat "Dollar Bill" Bradley? You really think he had anything to do with those Laker championships?

DH: The record speaks for itself.

RL: Look, we all know the early years of the so-called "Shaq and Kobe Show" were a flop. But the man who came to the rescue was not Whacko Jacko. It was Michael Penberthy, the savvy sharpshooter who stretched the defense and drew triple-teams. That opened things up around the hoop for that underrated pillar of strength, Mark Madsen. Good ol' "Mad Dog" can score even better than he can dance.

DH: If you're interested, he gives lessons. Dance, that is.

RL: Unfortunately, the buttocks sprain that prevented me from fighting in 'Nam and winning that war singlehandedly keeps me off the dance floor, much to the dismay of Mrs. Limbaugh.

DH: I don't recall Penberthy or Madsen playing particularly significant roles on those title teams.

RL: Well, they did. And what made it so remarkable is that even though they played like all-stars, the refs would never grant them the leeway accorded other stars with, shall we say, better tans.

DH: You mean black players?

RL: My friend, do you think it's an accident that players with street-gang possés catch all the breaks? It's an ugly combination of intimidation and reverse discrimination.

DH: Is that your cellphone?

RL: Yes, sir. Probably ESPN. They're eager to sign me up to give their NFL pregame show the Rush it needs. Sunday mornings will never be the same.

Dennis Hans pens essays both straight and bent on a variety of topics, including hoops. He can be reached at HANS_D@popmail.firn.edu