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Not-so-serious Predictions

 


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| Nov. 4, 2006

The 2006-07 season has begun. Here are my not-so-serious predictions:

The Sonics will be traded to the WNBA for Margo Dydek: The Sonics, evidenced by their lackadaisical play and horrendously ineffective management, have apparently taken an apathetic approach to winning. While this is a bold strategy, surprisingly, it doesn't work. Eventually, Stern will come to the realization that the Sonics aren't a real team, but instead, a clever ploy by advertisers to put their names on something that doesn't cost too much. They will then be traded to the WNBA (where advertisers act similarly) in exchange for Margo Dydek.

Shaq, having run out of excuses for poor play, will finally skip the formalities and just check into rehab for an addiction to Twinkies: Hurt foot, bruised ego, Dollar Menu, Kobe – look, dude, we aren't buying it! And I'm not buying the "I like other people, besides myself! I swear!" act either. You don't really like Wade as a person; you like the fact that he takes attention away from the fact that you shoot a negative percentage at the free-throw line. You like the fact that his amazing highlights can, by comparison, turn your little charity stripe act into a comedy routine. Just sit back and enjoy the ride to a second-round exit. If you try to get up, you run the risk of stubbing your toe again.

Mark Cuban will draw minimal crowds on his 2007 NBA CITY STEREOTYPE REMARK TOUR: After a positive response to his discussion of San Antonio's River Walk (calling it an "ugly-ass, muddy-watered thing"), Cuban will attempt to achieve similar effects with other NBA cities. Detroit will be purported to be manufacturing vehicles with the durability of a Donn Nelson defense. Los Angeles will be called traitors for "hedging their bets" with two NBA teams, and shortly thereafter the Scientologists will remove all record of Cuban's comments. New York, once home to Time Square, will now also include "some tall buildings and a few blocks of the ugliest people I have ever seen in my entire life." New Jersey, home to the harmless regular-season fodder Nets, will be referred to as "New York's partially-deformed conjoined twin," and Chicago's Sears Tower will be compared to recent NBA acquisition Margo Dydek.

Fantasy owners will finally get the hint: For his career, Grant Hill averages 20.6 points per game, 1.5 steals, 5.6 assists, 7.3 rebounds, and 1.4 knee operations per season. While these stats may look intriguing, owners must also note that last season he played in only 21 games. He was listed as questionable so many times that the Magic, realizing this was now an assumed status, started using "(it'll happen eventually)" in its place.

LeBron James will be the first MVP to be named before the All-Star break: Eventually, the NBA will make the distinction between which player is most valuable to his team, and the league's best player. But first, those two names need to stop being the same person. The outcome of the MVP race is becoming so much of a cliché that yesterday I used it as an icebreaker. I saw a fairly attractive woman standing by herself so I walked up, "So, who's going to win MVP this year?" "Well," she responded, "I don't know. They said it might rain today, but I don't see a cloud in the sky. It is a bit chilly, though."

Kevin Garnett will officially be recognized as the "Best player to ever ALMOST have a team completely fall apart around Him:" If they want KG to have any kind of lasting legacy, the T-Wolves need to make up their minds: either they are going to be bad, or they aren't. It's getting frustrating. Right when Garnett is close to having a reason to complain, the Wolves go out and get Ricky Davis, propelling them back into contention for the worst pick in the draft lottery.

Yao Ming will form a facial expression: I swear, this is the year. I can feel it coming.

Stern will ban Eva Longoria from all NBA arenas in an attempt to promote a "clean image:" I'll leave that one how it is.

The Suns will finally give a valid reason to stop predicting them for the Finals: While technically they do still have a good team, I feel that the decision to allow Amare to play last year is indicative of much worse decisions to come.

The San Antonio Spurs are going to win the Championship: And not only are they going to, but they need to. This team is getting so old that Robert Horry had to put Tony Parker in his will.



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